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I’m in such a horrible state of mindfuck right now. I’m not sure if it’s because the music I’m listening to is all wrong, or everything I thought I knew is all about to change (eh, Bostonians?! EHHH!?) but what it really is the kicker of the whole bit is that I’ve tangled myself up in a little mind web of guilt, regret, and complicated feelings.

I would also like to point out that the Urban Express messengers walk around like zombies. At least I think they’re UE… they prowl up and down 1st ave (why, I’m not quite sure… how many businesses are there in East Village that use a messenger service – we RARELY do) like they’re out of fucking thriller or something (yeah, more Michael Jackson references in our everyday lives is what we need right now) and kind of even do this great little growly/slobbery thing.

Had a really wonderful evening last night… I think the only way I stayed awake is by refusing to drink at the Broadway show “Rock of Ages” which serves beer DURING THE SHOW IN THE AISLES LIKE A FUCKING BASEBALL GAME. It was completely appropriate for this show, and the show was completely inappropriate for anyone under the age of 13. Maybe 14. Maybe 18. It was pretty risque, but campy and fabulous and blah blah blah I’d see it again.

After that I jetted back to Brooklyn and after parting with my father and brother (who moseyed back to my apartment), I met up with Matt and a group of photogs (Nicole, Noah, and Danny) at Huckleberry. Matty and I have been going excruciating periods of time away from each other (not like our first summer where I saw him EVERY DAY) and we often lose track of what’s going on in each others lives. I’ve reached a ridiculous crossroads (yesterdays reference to the “fork”) and needed his input. I also need Stef’s input, but I’m not getting that until our brunch on Sunday. I’m in a pickle. A nutshell. A New York State of Mind. Do you see where I’m going with this? I’m clearly manic and slightly disoriented and I’m not sure if I want to just go home and sleep or if I want to lock myself in my bathroom in a tub full of ice and try to teach myself how to harvest my own organs so I can maybe afford to do something really fun and expensive this month.

Matty and I talked for awhile. It’s weird that I’m kind of going through this parallel relationship evolution with Matt as I am with my Mom. I’m finding the more open and willing I am to be perfectly honest, the more sincere support and advice I receive. What Matt said kind of worked against the few hours of therapy I’ve had over the past few weeks, but GOD it was refreshing to have someone see another side of it. I’m just so used to “You’re wrong. You need to grow out of this. You will learn. We can fix you.” and Matt was sort of saying “Well maybe you need to listen to yourself for once and deal with this baggage properly.” I could tell he could feel what I’m feeling… I honestly wasn’t expecting what I heard from him, and while what I heard wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear, it was probably the truth, in plain English, instead of all this “how are you projecting this on others” and “how do you really feel?” bullshit. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the answers… that’s why I’m constantly asking other people. I want their answers. I’m tired of pretending like I know what I’m doing. I really don’t. Not even close. What’s worse is I’m terrible at following directions.

I saw a pretty girl in a white summer dress almost get hit by a bike the other day on Metropolitan. I noticed her because she looked like a girl who came to see my apartment (not the crazy one!) Its witnessing shit like that girl that becomes reason number 4 why I don’t own a bike (numbers 1,2, and 3 being “I probably wouldn’t ride it enough,” “it’s too expensive,” and “where the fuck is it going to live in my apartment”.) Some guys walking on the street behind me saw it to – she was completely oblivious – riding through a red light in front of a cab and a semi, while, what looked like, texting on her iphone. Talk about asking to get hit by a car. The guys behind me started talking about it and I chimed in to their conversation.
“Some people are idiots.” One guy said.
“She was almost gonna be dead on the road.” The other guy said.
“That white dress was gonna be blood red if that cabby hadn’t been paying attention.” I said.
“That was so fucking poetic.” The first guy said. He was completely serious.
“Well it’s true.” I said.
“I just bought a bike helmet.” The other guy said.
(”I like turtles.” I wanted to say.

Today, I leave you with “Obsessions” by Marina and the Diamonds, so you can get a better idea of how my brain is working today.

Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette.
Last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable in my bed
Silk sheet, blue dawn, Colgate, tongue warm
Won’t you quit your crying? I can’t sleep
One minute I’m a little sweetheart
And next minute you are an absolute creep

We’ve got obsessions
I want to wipe out all the sad ideas that come to me when I am holding you
We’ve got obsessions
All you ever think about are sick ideas involving me, involving you

Supermarket, what packet of crackers to pick?
They’re all the same, one brand, one name, but really they’re not
Look, look, just choose something quick
People are staring, time to come quick in
Cheeks are on fire; just choose something, something, something
Pressure overwhelming
Next minute I am turning out of the door, facing one week without food
A day, a day when things are pretty bad
Don’t let it make you feel sad, the crackers were probably bad luck anyway
Can’t let your cold heart be free
When you act like you’ve got an OCD

We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week
We’ve got obsessions
You never tell me what it is that makes you strong and what it is that makes you weak.

We’ve got obsessions
I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.
We’ve got obsessions
You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak
Makes you weak, makes you weak, make you weak, make you weak, make you weak
Make you…

Sunday, wake up, give me a cigarette
Last night’s love affair is looking vulnerable again

Yikes.

This is the 4th time I’ve started this post and I’m really starting to believe that I shouldn’t be writing today.

Quick shout out to my mother, who gets to start reading the blog today. Watch out, Mom. I use a lot of bad words and sometimes I’m “vulgar,” but it’s honest, and if there’s anything I know I can be with you, it’s completely honest. Welcome

Dad and lil Bro are in town until Saturday morning. Last night, I already abused their stomachs by bringing them to Fette Sau where we binged on meat and beer way too late in the evening for it to be healthy. Today they’re off to the Guggenheim and MoMa – it’s Brobro’s first time in NYC, so I hope he’s gettin the full happy meal on this one… it’s certainly not his last time here…

I have one particularly annoying crisis going on. I can’t talk about it. I won’t talk about it. I have talked about it, and i realized it gets me nowhere. I have to shelf it, and look at it when the time comes. I know one of my greatest flaws is worrying about things before they happen. I think of the worst possible results (remember “worst case scenario”?) and stress out about how I am going to deal with it. I feel like this issue wouldn’t be there if I knew what my “dream scenario” was. If I knew exactly what I wanted, I would go after it, and this wouldn’t be a problem. But this is a serious fork in my road. A really fucking big fork. We’re talking like a serving fork – like one with two giant prongs that you use to hold a roast still or turkey or something while you slice it up with a big knife. I’m missing the knife; I’m missing the risk. I just have to wait until it slaps me in the face… I’m going to have to think on my toes, make an instinctive decision, and accept the consequences as a part of life.

Oof. See? Now I’m too far in. This is what I was trying to avoid. But I can’t start this post over AGAIN because my hands are starting to hurt and I have to pee. I know if I leave my computer, I’ll lose what I was thinking and then I’m effed. Have to finish now.

Okay, in conclusion, my brain hurts, I’m gonna be playing with pops and bro this week, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I love my Mom.

That is all. For now.

I Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer

I just wrote a really lengthy post about something I said I would never really discuss online again. I learned my lesson several years ago that regardless of how much of an “open book” I let myself be in writing, that there’s a line I can’t cross. There are things I can’t say and people I can’t out. There’s a line that I learned not to cross the hard way.

But this I will say:

I am not a fan of the long distance relationship. I have only seen one successful relationship come from it, and that’s because there was an endgame… and I think that’s the trick. If ultimately A knows they’re going to move to be with B, then this is a long distance relationship that might work. If A doesn’t want to move for B or B doesn’t want to move for A, but they want to continue traveling to meet up and/or maintain a digital relationship, that ain’t gonna cut it. Your relationship will die. Without a conclusion in sight, everyone is treading water.

Without someone making a sacrifice, the relationship is pointless. It’s a friendship where you fuck occasionally, and that is kind of ridiculous in the long run.

Maybe it doesn’t work for me because of how I function in relationships. Over the past few months, I’ve kind of clicked in to how finding chemistry with someone affects me and how my priorities ALWAYS change when I’m in a relationship. I think this is the longest I’ve been single in about 6 years. At times, it’s kind of nice, and also, it can be really lonely. Up until incredibly recently, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and that I was going to make the sacrifices to make it happen… I was going to put my disdain aside and move back to LA. This by no means would solve any problem, but it would slightly improve it. It’s half assing it, really, but in my mind it was pushing for an endgame… a resolution.

I’m not sure if I can do it anymore. I think I’ve reached my breaking point.

Did that final puzzle piece get found under the couch? Have I put it in the puzzle and realized I’d been wasting my time pounding together pieces of cardboard? Why am I wasting my time on something that might not matter in the slightest? I can’t stand the thought of looking back on my twenties and wish I’d done it differently. If I’m going to regret anything in my life, I hope it’s because I’m happy, and I wish I had done more to make myself happy now, not if I’m unhappy and I wish I hadn’t made the wrong choices and ended up that way. I’ve seen that happen to too many people too many times…

I suppose my biggest failure will come to light in my August writing project, currently entitled “The Untitled August Writing Project.” I think I’ve reached a point in that piece where I realize what a bubble I was in when I started, and now I’m removed enough away from it that I can almost tune in and point out a giant list of mistakes. I told my mother about it via email today… I knew that when I started writing it that I would have to tell her before I published it, because if it ever got back around to her, or if she ever read it without being informed, there was a possible chance of devastation. My mother doesn’t deserve that in the slightest. I sincerely hope she’s excited for me and my personal progress… she’s always been my biggest fan of my professional successes. I’m ready for her to read something I write and want her to tell other people about it. I’m not sure if this project is the platform for it, but it’s a start. I hope she’s pleasantly surprised.

This post was kind of ridiculous. I talked about too many “DO NOT TOUCH” issues in one very vague, yet cryptic, post. I really hope that none of it is misinterpreted and that if anyone were to feel like I was speaking to them, they bring it to me instead of assuming the worst. It is likely that none of this is about you. It never is.

Here We Go

I haven’t heard this song in forever and it just came on my itunes and I had this intense fashback while I was sitting in my office trying to get work done.

Get a grip, Natalie.

Jon Brion – Here We Go
You’ve gotta hope
That there’s someone for you
Strange as you are
Who can cope
With the things that you do
Without trying too hard

‘Cause you can bend the truth
Till it’s suiting you
These things that you’re wrapping all
around you
Never know what they will amount to
If you’re life is just going on without you
It’s the end of the things you know
Here we go

You’ve gotta know
That there’s more to this world
Than what you have seen
‘Cause we all
Have a limited view
Of what it can be

As we move along
With our blinders on
Each one of us feels a little stranded
And you can’t explain or understand it
Each one of us is on a different planet
Amidst all the to and fro
Someone can say hello
Here we go

Feeling that someone really gets you
Well it’s something that no one should
object to
It could happen today so I suggest you
Skip your habit of laying low
It’s the end of the things you know
Here we go

Someone can say hello
You old so and so
Here we go

There Will Be Tears

There will be tears I’ve no doubt, there may be smiles but a few
and when the tears have run out, we’ll be numb and blue
i cant be there with you but i can dream
i still dream
oh no
i stubbed my toe
crack comes the pain like a bullet
but at least it goes
not like us
(happiness came and went; we had a little tear and now the tears are spent)
we were trying to move forward love, but it’s tricky thru a brick wall love
what the fuck are we doing love?
How the hell do we move forward love?
Had you had a little drink?
Did you have a little think?
Did you have a little walk along the beach and have a think?
Ignorance was so much bliss thanks.
It was bliss but then came the kiss.
My boy drove me all the way home, he said
“Son, it’s a situation. Whatever you do, there will be tears.”

“There Will Be Tears” – Mr. Hudson

Explosions in the Sky: A Lesson in Debauchery

On a scale of one to absolutely ridiculous, this weekend was definitely above and beyond the spectrum. It was completely unexpected and effortless (for the most part) and had some serious surprises.

Friday.

Glenn and I had a wonderful afternoon reunion. I’d forgotten how absolutely wonderful that girl is and how we’re sometimes so similar it’s scary. I don’t mean to say that I’m a wonderful person, I’m saying that we see eye to eye on most things… I consider myself to have a pretty intense moral code, and Glenn seems to believe in similar things. I’m SO glad she’s spending her summer here… I was in desperate need of some amazing BK girlfriends

We went grocery shopping and picked up all of the ingredients for the cupcakes we planned on making for the 4th of July, and while at Sunac, decided to try a whole bunch of those cool looking natural drinks and blog about it. We spent the whole day baking and laughing our asses off. What a simply wonderful way to spend the day.

That night we met up with some friends of Glenn’s (super cool people) out in Bushwick, grabbed some dinner, and set some fireworks off on the roof.

I like that Glenn moves to town, I start having the time of my life, and she introduces me to awesome people. Girl, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFEEEEEE.

After stumbling home on a running (?!) L train, I couldn’t fall asleep. Somewhere between waiting for Arlen to call me back and watching 2 pretty horrible indie sex comedies, I looked at the clock and it was suddenly 5am. Whoops. So much for making it through the 4th of July without passing out again.

Saturday.

Went over to Glenn’s in the early afternoon – her sublet is ADORABLE and made me think that I can really find an affordable 1 bedroom in Williamsburg and hopefully move next winter (UGH I can feel the anxiety already…) G-unit and I finished decorating the cupcakes and headed out for Saxon’s new place, this SICK 4 bedroom in E. Willburg (apartment #2 that proved I could find something better…) and grilled out in the backyard. Sax made one of the best burgers I’ve had in a really long time and the cupcakes, red velvet with cream cheese fresh vanilla icing and berries were a hit…

After soaking up some tequila shots in the sun (hey, I was trying to be patriotic?), we were off to another party in East Willburg. This party was HUGE, beer cost more money than I wanted to spend, and I only knew an immediate group of people. Glenn introduced me to her friend Marlena, who is an absolute hoot, and the two of us moseyed off to a corner of the party where we could judge hipsters and giggle like schoolgirls. After eye fucking a few of them, one brushed my ass, and that was the end of that joke.

After a few hours of awkwardly standing around and not knowing people, I headed over to Matt’s as he came back from a party in Prospect Park. I grabbed a pack of Dogfish and a thing of coke (for Matty’s Makers) and hit up Manna for some hummus. By that time, an hour had passed, the sun had begun to set, and Matt had finally made his way back from the park…

Mattyboo and I went up to the roof to watch the fireworks only to be shocked by a GIANT plume of smoke. We’re talking blocking out the skyline huge. For a hot second, I thought my apartment building was burning down (bye life!) but it turned out to be a wooden water tank company on Wythe and 9th that some hipsters burned down with fireworks. Not really a surprise there, but what had shocked me was the size of this fire… I could see the glow of the flames above Williamsburg buildings from the rooftop where I was. That’s a huge fire yo.

Well the fire died down, the fireworks started, a photog friend of Matt’s came over (and left promptly after the fireworks due to an explosive conversation that I felt somewhat guilty for.) By that time I was pretty drunk, somehow survived the day with so little sleep, and hopped in a car home. I was definitely drunk; that dogfish really packs a punch, don’t it?

Tried to get ahold of Arlen again considering I had spoken to him for a hot second in the middle of the afternoon. He was working (go figure) and Arlen actually did call later that night, but I had passed out. Hard. I turned my ringer on loud in case he called and I slept through a text message or two. I hope that puts the drunkenness into perspective.

Sunday.

Woke up and felt horrible. Did my regular hangover routine of stumbling into the bathroom, popping a couple of advil/tylenol, chasing it with a giant glass of water, and passing back out. Woke up a few hours later feeling a little bit better, but not on my A game. Spent the day re-hydrating in front of my air conditioner on the couch until it was time to go into the city and meet up with Rossy, who FINALLY moved into his summer sublet. He has a great room in the financial district, his roommates are nice, and Jak, his adorbz puppster, has 2 little yorkies to play with. It’s a pretty ideal situation for him – they also have a SICK roofdeck that I plan on spending a lot of time on this summer…

Walked uptown with Rossy to meet Max at a restaurant in Chinatown before he moves back to the west coast. I did a pretty shitty job trying to meet up with him back while I was in Boston, and whenever he came to New York, it never seemed to work out. But this time, I insisted. It must happen… I don’t know when I’m going to see him again

We had a really great, slightly depressing, but lovely conversation. It’s interesting to note how things have changed and how we’ve both grown from oddly similar experiences. Max is such a wonderful guy; I really hope that when he moves back west, the change of scenery is refreshing and inspiring… that one is going to do big things, I tell you. I’ve decided to keep in better touch with him… he really is such a kind spirit.

I then went to meet new friend and blogger/novelist/facebook stalker Anderson Evans for drinks. “Drinks” turned into “DRINKS!” and the next thing I knew we were battling it out via Wii, at which, I would like to add, I royally kicked his ass. Anderson was a bit butthurt about it, but proceeded to rub in my face that he royally schooled me at Word Challenge on facebook, my version of digital crack, and definitely hurt my feelings. Ass.

After a hilarious conversation about a spiderman comforter, that guy from Twilight and his veloceraptor arms, and holyfuckinggod the Wii ghostbusters game, we called it a night.

Night melted into morning and the next thing I know I have the worst hangover on planet earth (it’s catching up with Anderson as we speak) and I have to dash off to the post office (which ended up being a waste) and then to work, only to discover that the meeting I was supposed to set up for today got canceled, so we all get free lunch that I feel too sick to eat.

My supervisor said I look like I’m gonna vomit. Great. So I look just as shitty as I feel. SCORE.

Alright. Time to snap out of this coma and do something productive… like mentally list all of the crap I put off all weekend and will have to take care of in the next 48 hours… frickballs.

Like a jewel…

The 4th of July isn’t just a patriotic reason to party for me anymore. Almost exactly one year ago (we’re talking hours of difference if anything), I met someone who I didn’t realize had such a profound impact on my life or would continue to have such a hand in my development as a human being. Today, it feels like I’ve known him forever… that 365 days was actually 5 years. In retrospect, it proved to me that when it comes to relationships time is only an invention; totaling days doesn’t mean anything on a timeline of friendship… he had a profound effect on me even before I really met him – I don’t think I can say that about any other person in my life.

Josh, I would like to thank you for:
- being a shoulder to lean on and an ear to talk off
- being honest and pointing out the truths when I can’t see them
- letting me harass you about music and bullshit
- appreciating me as a friend instead of letting me be the loudmouth skank I generally am in front of male friends. (I believe you’re one of few consistently platonic male friends I have in my life.)
- understanding what I mean without me having to even say anything.
- opening my ears to a world of music i didn’t even know existed.
- opening my eyes to a new way of looking at things and my brain to a whole new way of thinking.
- trusting me and respecting my opinion
- leaving no room for questions – one of the only friends that I always know where I stand.

Yeah this post is full of sugar and sap and putting it in such a public place is silly and whanot, but I really do thank my lucky stars that you popped up one day (I thank Matt too) and I feel as if sometimes we should remind the people we love how important they are, and Josh, you absolutely deserve being reminded how wonderful you are.

Happy 4th. Thank you for being a part of my life, pup.

Guess what? I’m not a robot.

Today (yesterday?) was the highest number of views I’ve ever received on my blog. I wrote about nothing. I wrote I was exhausted. 4 lines got me more hits than I know what to do with.

Is this becoming a beast I don’t understand? Is this going to become about validation and the number of people that see what I write. Where does that line get crossed? When I care? Yeah, sure, I already care. What is this all about then?

I’m lost in a couple things. Today filled me with such an unfamiliar anxiety. Lately, I’ve been so comfortable… so at peace. And then today, it was just all building, unexpectedly. I was being smothered by my own physical brain as it filled my skull.

I laughed at Arlen the other day when he told me that post from a few days ago on my experiences of “letting go of myself” was well constructed. I reread it and I think I did it without noticing. I was so squirreled up in it, I guess I was in such a constricted headspace that it came out properly instead of falling all over the keyboard… per usual.

My mother said some really sweet things on the phone tonight. Is it weird it makes me slightly suspicious? I don’t think anything has changed fairly recently in my life, and she hasn’t mentioned any big changes in hers… it’s not that I don’t trust my mother (because I definitely do) but did I earn this? Why do I deserve this attention?

“…often undersells and misjudges abilities and achievements.”

Exactamundo.

Don’t wake me up in the morning. I’m sleeping as late as humanly possible, and then spending the day either wandering Brooklyn or curling up in front of my AC and catching up on everything I taped this week.

teach me how to feel

Oof

My brain hurts so much right now. Not sure why except could blame it on lack of sleep. My brain feels swollen and pushing against the sides of my skull.

I want to go home and sleep, but I know if I do that, I won’t actually sleep.

Push through push through push through.

I’m just gonna have to ride out today and take it easy… when I’m dead.

up with the sun

I’ve been working like a madwoman all day on my writing project, which should be done either next month or early August, when I will reveal it. I’m really cautious about WHEN I’m going to publish it due to the content. It’s not exactly gonna go down in one gulp… It’s going to make several people incredibly uncomfortable, but on the other hand, a lot of people are going to think it’s insightful and hilarious. I don’t usually brag about my writing, but this is gonna be worth reading. Promise.

Because I’ve been all up in this project, I’ve really been ignoring most other thoughts floating through my head all day, so obviously this post is going to be a little lackluster. Sorry.

In my personal life, I’ve really been waiting for a sign lately. There have been smidgens of signs – tiny miracles, I’ll call them – and I’m beginning to wonder what they mean, if anything at all. Is it weird I don’t believe in something if I don’t see it or hear it for myself? My faith has always wavered… but my belief is certainly attached to my will, and that does not fluctuate. Regardless of the times I’ve been kicked down the metaphorical stairs, I still climb back up, tail wagging, eyes bright.

What sort of sign is it going to take to know when to stop? Where do you draw the line?

I’m not going to say where or when I saw it, but I recently witnessed some thoughts on forgiveness that really touched me. Letting go of something is the best thing you can do for yourself… holding on to that resentment is only hurting you, not whoever is causing you that pain. I think somehow I’ve always known this, and I’ve been quick to forgive. Sure, I won’t forget (I got that from my mother. Seriously. That woman doesn’t forget SHIT.) but learning when I shouldn’t let go so easily is still a struggle.

I’m not sure if I know what I want anymore. I do and I don’t. I think honesty is going to be the hardest thing in the next few months – fessing up and accepting responsibility are going to be major players. Even in the work I’ll be publishing soon am I admitting to something that even my own parents don’t know about… only a few of my very close friends have been privy to the experience, and even then, I’m fairly tight lipped except to a chosen few.

This brutal honesty is going to hopefully break down a wall or two. What I discovered through the experience has proved that what I thought I wanted is the ultimate truth. It’s just a question of can I be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to let it happen.

It won’t be tomorrow, but it will be soon. 6000 words and counting, my longest work to date…