Maybe You’ll Run, Maybe You’ll Run From Me

I got my first parking ticket today. It’s karma. Just trust me on that one.

Lately all of my discussions have been convoluted and petty and I question their quality. A rare few have been up to par… I question my own motivation.

I make specific decisions in my everyday life that can always be broken down into specific strategic moves. I was going through a mental play-by-play of today’s events i immediately realized that every action was strategic in either getting what I wanted or getting attention.

I am somewhat of a pathetic creature. My computer is on it’s last legs and I feel as if I should be singing along with it’s swan song. Perhaps just fade away like the pixels, or pop and disappear, like a turned-off television. I plan my exit strategically, just as I had played my other moves, as if I were doing it spontaneously.

I question my motivation now more than ever. I consciously called my mother seeking guidance in my future decisions. In retrospect, I think I called for permission. I wanted my fear and stress to be witnessed and for her to allow me to have the option to quit.
Note: she would be perfectly fine if I quit, and she would have actually supported me in any of my decisions. I suppose I just need the approval. It’s years of conditioning that got me to that point. I don’t know why, but her opinion has always mattered most. I have too much respect for my mother to ever let her down.

I don’t know where all of this came from or why everything is far more complicated than it used to be. Work early tomorrow morning and I dont know if I know what I’m in for. It’s going o be another day in the office, and I’m a little confused about it right now.

I just typed all of that with my eyes closed. It actually felt kind of nice.