Guess what? I’m not a robot.

Today (yesterday?) was the highest number of views I’ve ever received on my blog. I wrote about nothing. I wrote I was exhausted. 4 lines got me more hits than I know what to do with.

Is this becoming a beast I don’t understand? Is this going to become about validation and the number of people that see what I write. Where does that line get crossed? When I care? Yeah, sure, I already care. What is this all about then?

I’m lost in a couple things. Today filled me with such an unfamiliar anxiety. Lately, I’ve been so comfortable… so at peace. And then today, it was just all building, unexpectedly. I was being smothered by my own physical brain as it filled my skull.

I laughed at Arlen the other day when he told me that post from a few days ago on my experiences of “letting go of myself” was well constructed. I reread it and I think I did it without noticing. I was so squirreled up in it, I guess I was in such a constricted headspace that it came out properly instead of falling all over the keyboard… per usual.

My mother said some really sweet things on the phone tonight. Is it weird it makes me slightly suspicious? I don’t think anything has changed fairly recently in my life, and she hasn’t mentioned any big changes in hers… it’s not that I don’t trust my mother (because I definitely do) but did I earn this? Why do I deserve this attention?

“…often undersells and misjudges abilities and achievements.”

Exactamundo.

Don’t wake me up in the morning. I’m sleeping as late as humanly possible, and then spending the day either wandering Brooklyn or curling up in front of my AC and catching up on everything I taped this week.

teach me how to feel