Energy

I’m not sure how to express what exactly I mean to say. All that I can really think of, without directly spilling my entire personal life out on the internet, is that I am strongly affected by changes in energy. Charges. Lack of them. Where sparks once flew, now simple waves exist… an ocean with a strong undertow suddenly just lapping the shoreline. How do you verbalize such a thing?

I don’t see changes in energy necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it just means things have settled, that comfort and natural energy sit and exist. I feel as if the difference between romantic and friendship relationships IS a charge – those sparks – and without it, you’re just floating along… you’re “just friends.”

I’m not good at being “just friends.” I never have been. I have successfully failed at being “just friends” with just about every relationship I’ve ever been in. I can only say one boy I’ve ever really cared about is now “just a friend.” I was very attached to him, and for our time together, he was just as attached to me. In the end, the energy settled, and while he knew it had dissolved, I was still grasping for sparks… while even admitting they still existed, he no longer felt them the way he used to (quite frankly, because of someone else) and we went out separate ways. I didn’t speak to him for several years, and only after moving on and being heartbroken by others did I realize that he had always liked me as a person – that never changed – just that his energy had shifted to someone else.

These experiences have made me somewhat paranoid… attached to little bits of baggage that I seem to drag from one person to the other. While at the same time, I call that baggage experience, and my gut tells me that when energy shifts, tread lightly. Guard yourself. Do not avoid the fact that things may have changed. So while words say one thing, actions and energy say another, and there’s something frighteningly undeniable about it; even though the feelings may be there, the spark isn’t, and you have to really question the line between really feeling for someone and being friends. Fortunately (and unfortunately) this deliberation is often made for me, and I am just the victim of someone’s change of heart. It’s happened before, and I know I’ve got so many years for it to happen again…

This post exposes me and makes me vulnerable to misinterpretation, but what I hope is that this is read as simply my expression of fear and insecurity- something I am not comfortable expressing to many – and I am not sure if and when to approach any topic of this nature. Last time I felt like this, I was backed into the corner and had to make a decision for someone who couldn’t… I hate the thought of being there again, but I hate feeling uneasy and unsure just as much…

I can conclude that it’s not really energy, or sparks, or feelings that I lack. If anything, I am almost over=expressive and transparent about how I feel. What I lack is confidence – confidence in my own feelings, and confidence that others are honest about theirs – and I’d hate to let my own fear ruin something I see promise in.

Whatever Works

I tried to bake pretzels last night. I failed miserably. I blame the oven. I’m going to try again today, but if it doesn’t work out, I’m givin up on that one. Maybe I’ll try to make bread instead. The pretzels (the ones that baked properly) were delicious, and luckily my dad sent me a 3-tier cooling rack for channuchristmas. I’m still not feeling 100% – my brain is all sorts of squirrely too – so I’ve been trying to consume my days with things that are low-stress and complete super short-term goals. I made pretzels. Goal completed. I’ve got to go grocery shopping.

This weather makes my head itch.

Lately, I’ve had the strong urge for physical contact. I feel like I’ve got this tank that’s gotta be filled. Like I have to be hugged a certain amount or high five a certain amount. I often feel like I’m the only one that has this problem.

I had a nightmare last night that I was staying at someone’s houses… there were riding horses involved (indoors), some sort of choir performance, getting kicked out of said house, and a trip to Home Depot. A trip to Home Depot. I’m sure you can figure out (roughly) what happened at home depot. It wasn’t pretty.

And when I woke up, I figured out that I had found all of the qualities I loved, but attached to ambition and passion. To honesty. To someone who’s actions reflect their words.

And I’m terrified.

I’m still really good at sinking threes from my bed… those tissues just SWISH in the wastebasket.

I think I need to sit in a coffee shop for awhile. Clear my head and muse over something.

Generator ^ Second Floor

And I could never tell as a kid
What that window door went to
Only told to stay away
I almost had an accident at age 6
When I found the key in the attic
And now the smell of these wood frames
Is the only sense I’ve left
So as you pull me from the bed
Tell me I look stunning and cadaverous

And since you are my friend
I would ask that you lower me down slow
And tell the man in the black cloak
He doesn’t need to trouble his good soul
With those latin conjugations
And if it’s all the same to them
You should tell your gathering friends
Please not to purse their faces grim
On such a lovely sunday

Don’t fix my smile, life is long enough
We will put this flesh into the ground again

Generator ^ Second Floor – Freelance Whales

Sorry

Sorry guys, it’s been awhile. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing in other places than my own blog, and eventually I’ll get around to posting some of the things I’ve written.

I will share, that I’ve spent the entire morning torturing myself on facebook, so I’m gonna not write about what I’m feeling right now and go outside and try to survive this… masochism.

The Maker Makes

In an hour I leave for LaGuardia airport to fly to Indianapolis to visit family members I haven’t seen in about 5 years. My failure to maintain contact with most of them is an embarrassment, which is probably where most of my anxiety stems from. Yes, they’re family, so they’re probably love me no matter what, but a little bit of me says “you’re a bad sister/cousin/niece/granddaughter”; being “busy” for the last 5 years is really no excuse for lack of contact.

I have a headache. Luckily I’m coughing less than I was the past few days (knock on wood). I think the stress of the thought of traveling, plus working full time again and not eating enough, and possibly kissing a sick person (probably as good of an idea as kissing a turtle… ahem) contributed to a short stint of being “sick” but I think I pulled it together enough that Thanksgiving should be fairly germ free on my front.

I made myself a playlist for the airplane. Not like it matters. I’ll get on the plane, force myself to pass out, and not hear anything I’ve played. I’ll probably just turn on freelance whales and space out for several hours. Alright, that’s a stretch. I think the flight is about 2 hours, so hopefully by the time we’re up in the air, I’ll be waking up when we’re touching the ground.

I used to write wills when I flew. Seriously. I figured I’d simplify a few things for my parents if I croaked in the air. I don’t really bother anymore… it’s not like I’ve got any real assets or anyone to give them to. I still stress out when I travel, but I figure if I die on a flight, I’ve gotta trust everyone on the ground to take care of it. Sad right? Ugh, I’m so weird.

I’m killing time until I need to kill time at the gate. I think this trip is the lightest I’ve ever packed for anything. I have 3 pairs of shoes for 2 days. 3 sweaters. 3 shirts. 4 pairs of socks. 4 pairs of underwear. GOD HOW DID I DO IT? Last time I packed for 2 days (which was basically 24 hours; this is a FULL two days) I probably had 3 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, 4 shirts – MINIMUM. I’m not good at packing light, to say the least. I’m the type of person that could wear the same pair of jeans all week, but yikes, “packing light” is probably when I forget my toothbrush.

I’ve had a netflix dvd since July. I think I need to accept the fact that “Zardoz” may be impossible to finish, and I should just give up and send it back. A tiny smidge of me prays that somebody would actually want to watch it with me, but that likelihood is slim to none.

UGH I’ve still got 50 minutes until my alarm goes off. Life is SOOOOO unfair.

Alright, I’m signing off to fly. Everyone have a good holiday and if you catch the Macy’s parade, watch for a set of clowns wearing billiard ball costumes…

Probz

1. Megan Mulally’s “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercial.

2. The use of Discovery’s “So Insane” on So You Think You Can Dance

3. I’ve let my social circle fall apart. Some friends have just faded away… some I’ve had to cut out. Having friends that encourage bad behavior just aren’t going to cut it anymore… negative energy out. Thanks. Unfortunately, this means I am CLINGING to the people that bring positive energy into my life… and I’m terrified I will alienate them because of it.

4. I am losing my fingernails one by one because of work. (Worth it, but kind of painful.)

5. OMG Passion Pit. Who on your team gave Palm Pixie permission to use “Sleepyhead” in their commercials? You must be ROLLING IN IT right now. Congrats and BOOOOOOOOOO thats ridiculous.

6. I need an exercise program. I’d say I’m doing a pretty solid job making my diet a bit healthier, but yikes. I’m surprised people aren’t moo-ing at me right now. (I would.)

7. Above everything, I’d really love to go home for Christmas, and I even looked into booking tickets on the cheapest days to go and surprise my mom or something… and they’re still like $500. Minimum. Woof. Guess that’s not in the cards. I hope I have dope New Years plans at least. It’s the stupidest holiday ever, but there’s gotta be ONE good party out there right?

8. So tired.

Kick, Push… Coast

I have always been one to work incredibly hard to try to get what I want. It’s always the way that I’ve been, and my recent career success has proved that maybe I’m getting this right. Maybe my hard work is paying off.

I wish that I was just as ambitious in my personal life. That the people around me held me to the same value that I hold them. I often find the balance is off… in my relationships, I feel like a persistent job applicant who still keeps faxing over resumes even though they will never be hired. I feel as if I am fighting for something that isn’t there anymore. 75% of the people I consider “friends” treat me like a doormat, and unfortunately, those are the ones that are around more…

I’m feeling very ambitious lately, but while I’m succeeding in one realm, I’m failing in the other. Where do these two meet, and how do I find a place where I don’t constantly have to kick and push to make people care about me?

I suppose part of me is very sensitive because of specific happenings going on in my personal relationships. I live by the golden rule, and when others don’t follow that same formula, even slightly, it’s disheartening. I’ve lost a lot of faith in others. My career path gives me hope, but people along the way are making me feel as if it’s very lonely at the top…

An Edge

There have been quite a few things on my mind lately. Things that keep me from writing… functioning… working. Luckily, I’ve got a creative outlet – I’m finally working somewhere that brings me immense amounts of joy and really makes me feel I’m working towards my dream job. I got an internship in a puppet/costume studio, and I’m loving every second of it; I’m dedicating every spare moment and bit of energy I’ve got in me so that I can really learn what I need to and move towards what I really want.

Josh was in town all of last week. Went to the Guggenheim. Spent money we didn’t have. Ate great food. The usual. Always nice to have him back in the city. Even though we were wearing coats and scarves, it felt like we were back in summer…

Saw Fantastic Mr. Fox with my roommate yesterday. I highly recommend that everyone see it, especially in the theater if you can. It’s visually glorious (I expect nothing less from Wes) and its wonderful to see on the big screen. Adorable story. Fantastic casting. Worth my $14.00 for sure. I’d pay to see it again that’s how good it was.

My latest irk is the sudden dissolution of a past friendship. I can’t say I’m completely surprised, considering the type of person they were, but trying to be friends with an incredibly self-deprecating person, who also happens to be one of the most narcissistic people I know (don’t ask me how that works, but it does) is incredibly difficult. I feel like I really had an impact in this person’s life, so to have them suddenly rocket off in a new direction and completely forget that I exist kind of shocks me. Kind of mad about it, but on the other hand, I’m secretly kind of glad I don’t have to put up with the bullshit anymore. There was a lot of baggage that came with that friendship, and for once I’m glad I don’t have to be the constant cheerleader. I have other people who deserve my support much more.

There are a few other things on my mind that I’m not really ready to talk about on a public forum, but they really consume a lot of my thought. I called Laura last night in a bit of a personal struggle, and I realized I didn’t even expect for her to have the answers, I just needed someone to listen and tell me it was okay. It’s scary to go through the contacts on my phone and realize I’ve maybe got only 3 or 4 people I know will answer their phone and be there for me when I need it… I mean really be there, not just do it because they feel like they have to. So thanks, Laura. Thanks for being my rock last night and being there for me when I really needed it. You da best.

In other news, to all the Oregonians: Sorry, I don’t think I’m coming home this winter. At all. It’s definitely not in the budget, and while I’d love to come home and hang out and catch up, all signs are pointing to stay in New York. I’ve had a few East Coast invitations to holiday celebrations, but a certain part of me wants to sit in my apartment with chinese food and watch A Christmas Story. I’ll have myself a merry little Christmas, damnit, if it kills me. I AM looking forward to my first New Years in New York. Even though it’s my least favorite holiday (seriously, it’s the stupidest holiday I’ve ever heard of) I’m excited to see what the city has in store. If anyone wants to fly out for the festivities, you got a place to party

I’m gonna go practice my knife (xacto, weirdos) skills and wait for the Colts/Patriots game to start. Yeah, it’s gonna be the highlight of my day, and, yeah, I don’t care if it makes me a dork.

Have a wonderful week.

Rock Bottom

In a lot of ways, I’ve hit it. I’m scraping at gravel, and I’m really glad I’ve got some good friends to pull me back up. Remaining positive is a challenge, but being challenged is better than being bored.

Wow.

Q: What do you do when you’ve invested your personal time and money to something that refuses to acknowledge you exist?

A: ?