inspiration in the weirdest places

So far this week has been an unbelievably amazing learning experience. It’s been exhausting, but I’ve probably learned more in the past 3 days than I have in the last year.

Some of the things aren’t even practical for the rest of the world, but the skills I’m picking up in techniques and finding the details that make a person work. It’s been fascinating.

I like LA. I’m not going to lie, but so far, it’s not killing me the way I thought it would. I almost feel as if it’s because I’m too busy to spend any time living in LA… The sunshine makes me happy. I have good friends here that are taking good care of me.

My heart, however, is still in New York. I miss watching the sunset on the skyline out the windows of the Daieli. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as I did my last night in New York (thank you, Jean… and Josh. Hah.) I miss the satisfaction of a popsicle melting in my hand in the humidity. I miss sincere hugs and sincere personalities.

I’m just going to have to stay attached to New York through the phone, and know one day, after I sincerely pay my dues, they’ll be paying me back in New York

Leaving New York this morning was weird. Waking up, finishing packing, calling a car and going to the airport were auto-pilot actions. I was a weird zombie just going through the motions. My driver even stopped at McDonald’s for coffee and it didn’t phase me. (He bought me an iced tea. Kind of weird, kind of refreshing.)

Last night was traumatic. Almost in a good way. Saying goodbye to friends at the Daieli was really rough. Jean made me a cake and I cried. My friends were all around me, telling me telling me how much they love me and are going to miss me. Josh made me a great playlist that I listened to for most of the plane ride. Last night was just really great… and sad I suppose.

I was really sad to leave New York, but upon arriving in LA, a quick trip to Starbucks, In-and-Out, and a singalong in the car… Back with the bestie is kind of lovely.

I miss New York, but I like being able to stand outside without sweating profusely.

I am pushing. Hard. Against a wall. An impenetrable wall. I am under-read, under-educated, and in awe of everything on the other side. I feel as if I should be able to break through - I’m doing everything right. I’m giving it everything I have.

But I think deep down I know I have to let the wall crumble on its own. Pushing will only make it harder for me.

You know I can’t knock your walls down. It makes me wonder how much you really know.

It is nearly official that I will be moving to Los Angeles this Sunday. I was offered a training position at Partizan LA with the opportunity (after graduation) to become a full time employee at the LA office. Although this is not set in stone, August has been set as an opportunity to see how I do in the LA office, learn the basic things I’ll need to survive as an employee there, and most importantly, figure out if this is what I want.

Instinctually, I have some really mixed feelings about the whole thing. Part of me thinks this is the luckiest opportunity that I’ve ever received and this has the potential to change my life in amazing ways. The other part of me (my gut) reminds me of my past time in Los Angeles, and how much I love New York, and how I know that this is where I’m meant to be. I feel really connected to New York, and leaving it makes me feel like I am giving up a huge part of my life that I know has the potential to be amazing. In my perfect world, there would be a position like this available at the New York office, and I would never have to leave here.

I am really thrilled to be given the opportunity, and I know that there is absolutely no other choice I have right now. My heart may say otherwise, but I know that this is right… This is what I am meant to do, and I am going to do it to the best of my ability.

I’m giving you another shot, Los Angeles. Don’t fuck it up this time.

There’s a lot going on in my head right now. 90% I can’t verbalize for various reasons. That 10% can be written in a few thoughts:

- I have passed out twice while trying to watch a movie yesterday… 2 separate times.
- i went to yoga yesterday and I’m still feeling pretty good.
- I’m going to a baseball game today. Woot.
- On the romance front: thought I was succeeding for a hot second, now I’m crashing and burning.
- I might be moving. Next week. Stay tuned.

I am confuzzled and disoriented and stuff. I need some clarity, and I need that person in my life that is capable of understanding and hugging me and tells me it’s going to be okay - because it always is.

Messsssface..

I promise I’ll be back soon. Many-a-thing going on, and a lot do digest. Big announcements in the future, bigger people in my life, and big dreams coming to life.

As I rode in my car to set yesterday, it occurred to me that regardless of how exhausted I was from working, it was the first time in my life that if I was in a car accident and died, it would be okay, because for the first time, I was really, truly happy.

Thanks for being a part of it.

There’s something about the weekend that makes things okay, even if they aren’t really. I was totally stressed out over work and it carried over into the weekend so that almost every conversation I had was about work. (Sorry friends, you are really good people for tolerating it.)

I think I also noticed today, given the invitation, I will talk about myself nonstop. Practically without breathing. I think it’s a really unattractive quality and if anyone has any NICE suggestions on how to stop, I’d appreciate it.

Today was insane. And regardless of the HORRIBLE sunburn that now covers my near-perfect cleave, I had an amazing time and don’t regret a minute of standing in the sun/overcast.

The day started off with a trip to new friend Josh’s house. Josh is a really rad kid I met on the 4th of July, but for some reason, I feel as if I’ve known him for much longer… for multiple reasons. First, is that I’ve been following his music blog for almost a year (okay, so I’m not the oldest reader by far) but the music he posted last summer impacted me and kept me going through the ridiculous trauma that took place. Second, is that he reminds me of a really great friend I had in high school, and surprisingly, a so-so friend/friend with benefits that I had sophomore year of college. I’m not sure what that means about the way I see Josh, but so far, he seems like a pretty dope kid. (Matt just has really good taste in human beings, and I almost hate him for it.)

So anywho, we go to Josh’s house, drink a lil bit (note: I have only consumed a slice of banana bread and half of a waffle so far), and then we (Me, Matt, Jean, and Josh) head to McCarren Park Pool to, hypothetically, see Ronnie Spector.

To make a long story short, we rock out to all the awesome openers (list to follow someday…?) most of them being southern soul singers who are like 80 years old and sing it like they’re still in it to win it. (Check Josh’s blog periodically. He’ll post about it better than me. Swears.)

After effectively sneaking into the VIP area (which includes free ice cream and Dewars mixed drinks), we leave to grab some pizza just as Ronnie Spector begins to play. I sing along to “Be My Baby” as we walk towards Bedford…

We end up at this SICK pizza place where the workers make me feel if I could make pizza for the rest of my life an survive happily. Sometimes that sounds better than what I’m doing… there’s not a lot of stress involved in making pizza, methinks. Anywho, we end up walking down to the water, encountering a scary/hilarious crack head (who Matt and Josh actually witness DRINKING THE EAST RIVER!1!), we all retire back towards Josh’s pad, and then to Jean, Matt and Robs, where I pick up some of my shit, and head home.

My alarm is going off at 5:30am tomorrow. This is not going to be good.

And for the record, I would compliment you if I was bold enough to do so…

Maybe some of you have noticed - maybe some have not - but lately I have been very busy. Excessively so. To the point where maintaining a social life outside of work is somewhat tedious and limited to ichat and weekends. I causes me to question my abilities as a human being, and if I can, in fact, communicate effectively.

I’ve decided that perhaps, as selfish as it may be, to take some of the time I have outside of work, and spend it on improving myself. Post-breakup, I feel like a completely different person; after therapy I began to appreciate myself a little more. I was giving away too much, giving in to something, and expecting something back that was never going to happen. I was a hopeless romantic of a nebula in a black hole; no one would ever know what was going on, but I was constantly exploding into something new. I was metamorphosing, and the situation didn’t allow for anyone to nurture it or appreciate it. I was the mime in the forest that died from a falling tree. A silent, sudden death.

I only held on as tightly as you held on to me. Or so I thought.

So in this new world of new things and new life and reincarnation, I’ve turned to new outlets in hope of finding something in my life that was missing. I went to my first yoga class last week and loved it. The focus and meditation was really inspiring and helpful to me; almost in some of those moments of meditation, my mind is so blank its like that moment in the peak of an orgasm where all you feel and think is static. There is a moment where you entire body gets warm and you don’t have a care in the world. I found that moment sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat. Later I wondered if I was actually there or I had just imagined that something so simple could make me feel so good. The breathing got me into a groove I haven’t been able to define yet… the sound of crashing waves emulated in a breathing technique, in combination with such strong movement was intoxicating. I was happy.

I had my first acupuncture appointment today in the middle of an incredibly busy day. I had to leave set (I was AD-ing?!?!?!?!) and go to the appointment (I couldn’t rebook) and put my fear aside for an hour. The next thing I knew, I could see a needle between my eyes, my chi was being re-centered by needles all over my body, and I was numb (except for my right arm, which was surprisingly painful. I think it’s because I couldn’t relax it, but Nan Yi said it was because my right arm is directly related to my left leg which is directly related to my digestive track which is all fucked up from stress and poor energies. Hah.) 45 minutes passed without a second thought, and I rose to face the world again, re-energized and whatnot. I called my mother to share the news of my good experience, and she seemed to think it was absolute bullshit. Sure, it’s bullshit. I don’t believe in having a Chi or that I can center my energies with my core or whatever, but damnit, after feeling really weird for almost an hour (see: Pinhead) I felt really great afterwards. I don’t care if it was an adrenaline rush or whatever, but I felt good, and I’m going back again. Next time, however, there better not be a silly little bump where she put the needle in between my boobs again. Not cool.

My craiglist dating adventure was somewhat of a failure. I’ve given up on it for now, considering I barely have enough time to figure out when I can get to the yoga studio (working from 8am to 11pm doesn’t really leave room for it, now does it?) I barely have enough time to spend with the friends I have, and new developments have lead me to believe that my time with them in New York may be even shorter than I imagined. Then again, that might be wrong.

Full work days tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday. The Microsoft campaign is HUGE and practically consumes the office, but in a good way. There’s always something to do, and even though it’s not my favorite environment right now on a personal scale, it’s still fun, and I’m finding the hidden gems in the piles of… crap.

Much props this week to good friends, amazing employers, Maura (my yoga instructor), The Natural History Museum (I highly recommend the “Sea Monsters” IMAX; the writing is brilliant - like someone gave up and sold out… familiar?), American Girl Dolls, Wall*E (SEE IT), Alex and his 21st festivus (I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. I ruv you.) and dry, sunny days.

My arm still turns from earlier, and I hope it snaps out of it’s coma for tomorrow. Until then, I planning on sleeping really really fucking hard.

So I’m in Williamsburg (”THE HEART OF WILLIAMSBURG!”) at least twice a week to work at VBS.TV. I walk down Bedford Ave. It’s pretty popular. I was surprised that I didn’t see an American Apparel store, because isn’t that everything uberhipster?

I apparently thought too soon.

Today on a run to the comp store as an “intern duty” I passed AP, and realized that life really isn’t that fair.

And then I bought myself a thing of rasberries from the natural foods store across the street and went back to work.

Sigh.

Yesterday was a tough day. Like a really tough day. Like I wanted to curl up in a ball and die sort of day. Somewhere around mid-afternoon I just had a giant crash and burn, and I basically cancelled everything I had planned for the week and decided to go to Boston for a brief session with my brain doctor. Things are just not working cool up there and I’m tired of it.

I’m basically going to tell her the sort of treatment I’m on is not working. And I’m sick of it. And I’d like to change things. After talking to Pat, I’ve also decided to try some alternate methods of treatment. Holistic, to be more specific. Upon my return from Boston, I’m going to start going to candlelight yoga and possibly look into acupuncture.

Yep. That’s about it. Tah dah.