Tonight I listened to a song 15 times in a row. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t think I could understand it.

Then it took a simple slap in the face for me to see that I really understood it all along. Even before I started listening.

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So far this week has been an unbelievably amazing learning experience. It’s been exhausting, but I’ve probably learned more in the past 3 days than I have in the last year.

Some of the things aren’t even practical for the rest of the world, but the skills I’m picking up in techniques and finding the details that make a person work. It’s been fascinating.

I like LA. I’m not going to lie, but so far, it’s not killing me the way I thought it would. I almost feel as if it’s because I’m too busy to spend any time living in LA… The sunshine makes me happy. I have good friends here that are taking good care of me.

My heart, however, is still in New York. I miss watching the sunset on the skyline out the windows of the Daieli. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as I did my last night in New York (thank you, Jean… and Josh. Hah.) I miss the satisfaction of a popsicle melting in my hand in the humidity. I miss sincere hugs and sincere personalities.

I’m just going to have to stay attached to New York through the phone, and know one day, after I sincerely pay my dues, they’ll be paying me back in New York

Leaving New York this morning was weird. Waking up, finishing packing, calling a car and going to the airport were auto-pilot actions. I was a weird zombie just going through the motions. My driver even stopped at McDonald’s for coffee and it didn’t phase me. (He bought me an iced tea. Kind of weird, kind of refreshing.)

Last night was traumatic. Almost in a good way. Saying goodbye to friends at the Daieli was really rough. Jean made me a cake and I cried. My friends were all around me, telling me telling me how much they love me and are going to miss me. Josh made me a great playlist that I listened to for most of the plane ride. Last night was just really great… and sad I suppose.

I was really sad to leave New York, but upon arriving in LA, a quick trip to Starbucks, In-and-Out, and a singalong in the car… Back with the bestie is kind of lovely.

I miss New York, but I like being able to stand outside without sweating profusely.

I am pushing. Hard. Against a wall. An impenetrable wall. I am under-read, under-educated, and in awe of everything on the other side. I feel as if I should be able to break through - I’m doing everything right. I’m giving it everything I have.

But I think deep down I know I have to let the wall crumble on its own. Pushing will only make it harder for me.

You know I can’t knock your walls down. It makes me wonder how much you really know.

It is nearly official that I will be moving to Los Angeles this Sunday. I was offered a training position at Partizan LA with the opportunity (after graduation) to become a full time employee at the LA office. Although this is not set in stone, August has been set as an opportunity to see how I do in the LA office, learn the basic things I’ll need to survive as an employee there, and most importantly, figure out if this is what I want.

Instinctually, I have some really mixed feelings about the whole thing. Part of me thinks this is the luckiest opportunity that I’ve ever received and this has the potential to change my life in amazing ways. The other part of me (my gut) reminds me of my past time in Los Angeles, and how much I love New York, and how I know that this is where I’m meant to be. I feel really connected to New York, and leaving it makes me feel like I am giving up a huge part of my life that I know has the potential to be amazing. In my perfect world, there would be a position like this available at the New York office, and I would never have to leave here.

I am really thrilled to be given the opportunity, and I know that there is absolutely no other choice I have right now. My heart may say otherwise, but I know that this is right… This is what I am meant to do, and I am going to do it to the best of my ability.

I’m giving you another shot, Los Angeles. Don’t fuck it up this time.

See a game at Yankee Stadium.
Make out with someone between moving subway cars.
Celebrate the 4th of July on a rooftop.
Visit MOMA (this summer).
Visit the Guggenheim (this summer).
Visit the Met (this summer).
See something on Broadway.
Visit the Natural History Museum and take polaroids.
Visit the Deitch Gallery on a non-business related visit.
Walk/bike the Williamsburg bridge.
Dance in a thunderstorm.

Find a group of friends that finally really mean something to me.

There’s a lot going on in my head right now. 90% I can’t verbalize for various reasons. That 10% can be written in a few thoughts:

- I have passed out twice while trying to watch a movie yesterday… 2 separate times.
- i went to yoga yesterday and I’m still feeling pretty good.
- I’m going to a baseball game today. Woot.
- On the romance front: thought I was succeeding for a hot second, now I’m crashing and burning.
- I might be moving. Next week. Stay tuned.

I am confuzzled and disoriented and stuff. I need some clarity, and I need that person in my life that is capable of understanding and hugging me and tells me it’s going to be okay - because it always is.

Messsssface..

I promise I’ll be back soon. Many-a-thing going on, and a lot do digest. Big announcements in the future, bigger people in my life, and big dreams coming to life.

As I rode in my car to set yesterday, it occurred to me that regardless of how exhausted I was from working, it was the first time in my life that if I was in a car accident and died, it would be okay, because for the first time, I was really, truly happy.

Thanks for being a part of it.

There’s something about the weekend that makes things okay, even if they aren’t really. I was totally stressed out over work and it carried over into the weekend so that almost every conversation I had was about work. (Sorry friends, you are really good people for tolerating it.)

I think I also noticed today, given the invitation, I will talk about myself nonstop. Practically without breathing. I think it’s a really unattractive quality and if anyone has any NICE suggestions on how to stop, I’d appreciate it.

Today was insane. And regardless of the HORRIBLE sunburn that now covers my near-perfect cleave, I had an amazing time and don’t regret a minute of standing in the sun/overcast.

The day started off with a trip to new friend Josh’s house. Josh is a really rad kid I met on the 4th of July, but for some reason, I feel as if I’ve known him for much longer… for multiple reasons. First, is that I’ve been following his music blog for almost a year (okay, so I’m not the oldest reader by far) but the music he posted last summer impacted me and kept me going through the ridiculous trauma that took place. Second, is that he reminds me of a really great friend I had in high school, and surprisingly, a so-so friend/friend with benefits that I had sophomore year of college. I’m not sure what that means about the way I see Josh, but so far, he seems like a pretty dope kid. (Matt just has really good taste in human beings, and I almost hate him for it.)

So anywho, we go to Josh’s house, drink a lil bit (note: I have only consumed a slice of banana bread and half of a waffle so far), and then we (Me, Matt, Jean, and Josh) head to McCarren Park Pool to, hypothetically, see Ronnie Spector.

To make a long story short, we rock out to all the awesome openers (list to follow someday…?) most of them being southern soul singers who are like 80 years old and sing it like they’re still in it to win it. (Check Josh’s blog periodically. He’ll post about it better than me. Swears.)

After effectively sneaking into the VIP area (which includes free ice cream and Dewars mixed drinks), we leave to grab some pizza just as Ronnie Spector begins to play. I sing along to “Be My Baby” as we walk towards Bedford…

We end up at this SICK pizza place where the workers make me feel if I could make pizza for the rest of my life an survive happily. Sometimes that sounds better than what I’m doing… there’s not a lot of stress involved in making pizza, methinks. Anywho, we end up walking down to the water, encountering a scary/hilarious crack head (who Matt and Josh actually witness DRINKING THE EAST RIVER!1!), we all retire back towards Josh’s pad, and then to Jean, Matt and Robs, where I pick up some of my shit, and head home.

My alarm is going off at 5:30am tomorrow. This is not going to be good.

And for the record, I would compliment you if I was bold enough to do so…

These past week or so may have been the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life. Next week is following in a similar fashion: long hours, exhaustion, and stress. Rob found new knots in my back yesterday that seemed to horrify him. Happens bud.

The fourth was an epic celebration with friends, food (an epic spread provided by yours truly, except for tacos, that I could probably never create so beautifully), magic, and fire. I drank too much too early and ended up falling asleep around 7… people arrived and went as I napped, and when I woke up, the fireworks had just began. I went to the roof and met up with the gang, who were drunkenly singing patriotic songs. I use the term “patriotic songs” loosely, because it ranged from “God Bless America” to “America, Fuck Yeah” and “More Than A Feeling.” Journey is somewhat patriotic I suppose, but my votes were pro-Bruce, “Born in the USA” style. Ya hearrrd?

Met some interesting people. Drank and ate some interesting things. Called some friends I had been out of touch with. Considered sparking up old habits that I’ve definitely kicked. 

Had brunch with Stef, Matt, and Caroline, a new love of my life. She’s a sparkler, that one. Kind of want to bottle her energy and pour it over my cereal every morning. We talked a lot about my future plans (aka what keeps coming up at work, and where it might lead me in the future… too unclear to write about specifically here…) and a lot of really good points came up. I just don’t know what I’m doing to a certain extent in a situation like this. I really like where I am right now. For once in my life, I am feeling balanced, healthy and happy. I’ve found that spot where I really feel great, and I’m not sure what exactly is doing it, but I like it and hope it will stay this way for awhile. Sudden changes in the near future may screw that all up, and I don’t like the sound of that. But turning down any opportunity is an option I don’t want to give myself; Turning down the chance they may be giving me could change everything for the better… or worse. Depends on if you see “flag at half mast” meaning national tragedy or a boner. 

Today I’m back on the job (sort of.) Making gift baskets for important people and then hitting up “The Wackness” with Jean in SoHo. Drop a line if you wanna kick it. We’ll probably be kicking it at the Daieli again. As usual. Tomorrow is another very silly, slightly hungover day.