I’m not sure if I have anything else to say. I’m sorry.

You will be called to fill a position of high honor.
09 19 26 35 39, 25

5.8 earthquake in Los Angeles today. For me it was exciting, but I think it took me all day to realize it shook something in my head… possibly my soul. I’m a little confused. A little more lost than I thought I was. This fortune cookie, which arrived at lunch and I only opened now, seems to either be following along or is pointing in another direction…

Interwebs.

July 29, 2008

I wrote an entire post about you last night. Then the internet crashed and it was lost.

I guess it isn’t meant to be.

Details in the Fabric

July 27, 2008

I am sicker than I’ve been in a really long time. Time doesn’t seem to stop for phlegm, mucus, snot, or vomit. I’m exhausted after moving to my new apartment, but I’m happy to finally be settled in MY place.

I had some serious separation anxiety today. Everyone back in New York was going VIP to MGMT/Ting Tings show and I was insanely jealous. I don’t think it was even about seeing the Ting Tings or MGMT, but it was just the time spent with friends. Going to the show with Matt, Josh, Rob and Jean would have been just epic. Drinking in the sun and dancing all afternoon… Jean called me during Electric Feel and I got a little emotional. It was hard not to be there… I got a bunch of texts from Jean, Rob, and Kevin, and Josh called me while waiting in the press/VIP line. It was just nice to know they were thinking of me, even though I couldn’t be there. I miss New York, and everyone there, terribly.

Something that’s been on my mind lately is the blurring of defined lines. I don’t have the answers for you, but I also want to be the answer. I just don’t think I can cross that line, especially here.

Choose your own adventure.

Ptown.

July 24, 2008

Tonight I listened to a song 15 times in a row. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t think I could understand it.

Then it took a simple slap in the face for me to see that I really understood it all along. Even before I started listening.

Sharing is caring.

So far this week has been an unbelievably amazing learning experience. It’s been exhausting, but I’ve probably learned more in the past 3 days than I have in the last year.

Some of the things aren’t even practical for the rest of the world, but the skills I’m picking up in techniques and finding the details that make a person work. It’s been fascinating.

I like LA. I’m not going to lie, but so far, it’s not killing me the way I thought it would. I almost feel as if it’s because I’m too busy to spend any time living in LA… The sunshine makes me happy. I have good friends here that are taking good care of me.

My heart, however, is still in New York. I miss watching the sunset on the skyline out the windows of the Daieli. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as hard as I did my last night in New York (thank you, Jean… and Josh. Hah.) I miss the satisfaction of a popsicle melting in my hand in the humidity. I miss sincere hugs and sincere personalities.

I’m just going to have to stay attached to New York through the phone, and know one day, after I sincerely pay my dues, they’ll be paying me back in New York

Leaving New York this morning was weird. Waking up, finishing packing, calling a car and going to the airport were auto-pilot actions. I was a weird zombie just going through the motions. My driver even stopped at McDonald’s for coffee and it didn’t phase me. (He bought me an iced tea. Kind of weird, kind of refreshing.)

Last night was traumatic. Almost in a good way. Saying goodbye to friends at the Daieli was really rough. Jean made me a cake and I cried. My friends were all around me, telling me telling me how much they love me and are going to miss me. Josh made me a great playlist that I listened to for most of the plane ride. Last night was just really great… and sad I suppose.

I was really sad to leave New York, but upon arriving in LA, a quick trip to Starbucks, In-and-Out, and a singalong in the car… Back with the bestie is kind of lovely.

I miss New York, but I like being able to stand outside without sweating profusely.

J=RvM

July 17, 2008

I am pushing. Hard. Against a wall. An impenetrable wall. I am under-read, under-educated, and in awe of everything on the other side. I feel as if I should be able to break through – I’m doing everything right. I’m giving it everything I have.

But I think deep down I know I have to let the wall crumble on its own. Pushing will only make it harder for me.

You know I can’t knock your walls down. It makes me wonder how much you really know.

It is nearly official that I will be moving to Los Angeles this Sunday. I was offered a training position at Partizan LA. Although this is not set in stone, August has been set as an opportunity to see how I do in the LA office, learn the basic things I’ll need to survive as an employee there, and most importantly, figure out if this is what I want.

Instinctually, I have some really mixed feelings about the whole thing. Part of me thinks this is the luckiest opportunity that I’ve ever received and this has the potential to change my life in amazing ways. The other part of me (my gut) reminds me of my past time in Los Angeles, and how much I love New York, and how I know that this is where I’m meant to be. I feel really connected to New York, and leaving it makes me feel like I am giving up a huge part of my life that I know has the potential to be amazing. In my perfect world, there would be a position like this available at the New York office, and I would never have to leave here.

I am really thrilled to be given the opportunity, and I know that there is absolutely no other choice I have right now. My heart may say otherwise, but I know that this is right… This is what I am meant to do, and I am going to do it to the best of my ability.

I’m giving you another shot, Los Angeles. Don’t fuck it up this time.

Mah Nu Yawk Bukkit Lyst

July 13, 2008

See a game at Yankee Stadium.
Make out with someone between moving subway cars.
Celebrate the 4th of July on a rooftop.
Visit MOMA (this summer).
Visit the Guggenheim (this summer).
Visit the Met (this summer).
See something on Broadway.
Visit the Natural History Museum and take polaroids.
Visit the Deitch Gallery on a non-business related visit.
Walk/bike the Williamsburg bridge.
Dance in a thunderstorm.

Find a group of friends that finally really mean something to me.