What a Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy

August 14, 2008

I don’t think I’m a very passive aggressive person. I would argue with whomever would accuse me of that.

And then I would probably short sheet their bed. 

However, I see myself as somewhat of a spiteful person. I find that when pushed, I can be an incredibly bitter, angry, defensive person. Matt spoke about a recent act of mine and described it as a wounded reaction or something like that. I was hurt, and I acted out. I don’t see it as passive aggressive, but sometimes it ends up that way. 

I guess I am an angry person. I don’t come off as one, but I am. I am angry. I guess it’s because I’ve been hurt, and regardless of the hours of therapy I’ve been through to conquer some giant walls and boulders and what not, I have been wounded; every scar I’ve got still bleeds. 

It’s difficult to tell someone when they’ve hit a nerve. Often times, I repress whatever is bothering me because I know I’m wrong and it’s just a reaction to something that has happened. There’s a lot of triggers… some of them I don’t even realize. Should I hand out lists? Should I wear a sandwich board to let everybody know what NOT to do to me? No, it’s impractical.

I once had a conversation with someone that convinced me that I love my friends unconditionally. By “my friends,” I mean the people that care about me similarly. (I’ve been trimming the fat, and quite frankly some of you aren’t making the cut.) But for those of you that did, I swear to God that I am doing my best to remain sane around you. It’s taken me awhile to get to that point, but I think I have finally arrived. 

Blogging makes my mom nervous. I don’t know why. She mentioned it on the phone last night, and I’m tempted to let her read. I should just send her the link and see what happens. It’s not like I really keep anything from my mother anyway, but at least this will still prove that I’m alive. Sometimes.

I don’t remember what I meant to say with all of this, but to my unconditionally loved friends, I am sorry if I’ve questioned your faith to me, but it is difficult to re-learn to trust. I’ve obviously proved that I am stronger than my past (I’d be dead by now otherwise) and I’m moving towards the future. I’m sorry if you get rocked in the wake.


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