Central Square

September 29, 2008

I achieved a new perspective of central square tonight. I guess I had never really made it past the horrible mass-ave strip of homeless people and drunks. But turn the corner, and there’s a magical world of coffee shops, whole foods, cute apartments, Jackie, and – sweet jesus – a taco bell/kfc.

Tonight’s girl’s night was pretty awesome. In 2 weeks, lets just say there’s a family bucket involved.

Props to Jackie (hardcore. girllllll you totally get me sometimes and thats the shit – next time, I talk less, you talk more. <3) and the Beacon Hill girls who apparently live almost next door but I had to meet all the way in Cambridge. Hah. So much for Emerson. Oh, and Bradley. I like you too. Thank you for pretending to be interested in my stories and I like that you catch on to girlie things we’re talking about that I assume you don’t get because youre a boy but you do so I guess you’re awesome. Yeah, that’ll do.

Now that this post is completely dedicated to saying how awesome everyone I hung out with tonight, I am very excited about going to yoga with Mahri tomorrow. Win.

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Caution.

September 29, 2008

I let things settle to the bottom… calm down. Like a blizzard, everything was shaken violently and the patterns of debris didn’t necessarily point down. I was shaken – more to the center of my being than I realized – and everything was back up in the air… infinitely suspended until it drifts back down again. But there is a song, a constant repetitive song that plays, slows, ends, rewinds, and begins again. It is effortless, simple music. It doesn’t disturb the sound waves – just floats amongst them… floats along at its own pace, regardless of the wind.

My heart is a snowglobe.

don’t die in me

September 29, 2008

I came up with this great idea for a screenplay, and I feel its something I need to work out for the next year or so. I also think I need a writing partner – someone who is funnier than me – cause I can write natural dialogue like it’s my job, but writing intentionally funny things is like stapling jello to the wall.

I suppose this is my next project. maybe. for the most part i’ve given up screenwriting. everything about it just screams “horrible future.” Such an uncertainty is held in that profession – I mean, freelancing can’t be much better – but declaring that I’m “a writer” just drives me bonkers. (No offense, Josh.) I am not a writer. Not at all. I am under-read. Under-practiced. Under-educated. God. I am pathetic in terms of a writer. I do it because it feels right. Therapeutic. I am not good at reading aloud what I write, or sharing with someone something I’ve written – I understand that’s part of being a writer – but damnit, there are times I really hate it. Maybe it’s been all the workshop classes I’ve been forced to take. Damn you, college.

I realized earlier that I am desperate. Moreso than I thought I was. I was watching Dexter season 1 this morning – for my adaptation project –
*SPOILERS AHEAD. SKIP THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHATS UP SORTOF*
and I was thinking about the part where Rudy is talking to Deb when he’s got her in the cabin of the boat and he says something along the lines of “You were just desperate to be loved.” And it hit me really hard that maybe I was kind of like that right now. I am closing a lot of chapters in my life at once: the breakup, graduation, Partizan, etc.
*OKAY YOU CAN READ NOW*
There is a lot of change, and instinctively I’m looking for a constant: unconditional love. I’m looking for something that is going to remain the control as everything shifts and moves. It’s impossible to find someone that will tolerate that – knowing that my life is changing, and theirs is hypothetically not changing with mine. Nobody is moving to New York with me. The next few months are essentially on my own, trying to make this change stick and assess the chaos.

God. What a mindblowing moment this is. What a moment.

I want more than ever in this moment to be held and feel safe. I’ve been setting up the illusion that it’s what’s been happening, but in reality, I’ve been lying to myself. A lot. False hope is what it is. If this is how I’m going to live my life, I think it’s the first time I really have to develop a wall… a thicker skin. A more masculine perspective on an already over-feminized subject. I need to stop being the “typical 20-something girl” and get a grip. I know this isn’t me, but I’m bored. And what else is there to do?

I am small town trying to manage a big life. And it’s the first time nobody is here, jumping in front of the train, to correct me. It would be nice to be saved, but I think I really have to do it this time. Who’s with me?

Oh.

September 28, 2008

And it came to me, and I was inspired.

Now, the research begins.

Oh, what a mess.

September 26, 2008

I just wrote a poem that I thought was actually kind of good for me. I mean, I’m a pretty dense human being, but I felt it was a really good one.

I can’t let you read it though. I just can’t.

Why?

Because it started out as a poem about sound and after I read the finished product it sounded like something really dirty.

This is either the biggest freudian slip ever, or I should be doing something else right now.

Ugh. What a mess.

There is something haunting me. I can’t figure out what it is yet, but when I do, best believe it’ll be short lived.

Have you ever walked around Boston at 5am? This morning was my second time. There’s something about the city that is inherently dangerous about this city – when alone after dark – but the early morning hours seem empty. It’s still dark, and the homeless have a few more hours of sleep before they wake up to knock on my door asking if I have “rooms available.”

I have reached a point in my writing where I feel as if I have wrung the towel as much as I can and I’m on the last drops. Maybe that’s what is haunting me – my inability to find where my creativity currently lies. I was thinking about that on my way home yesterday… I’m in such a creative place (physically, not mentally) and you’d think that it would rub off on me a little bit.
But I’ve given up, and I’m going through the motions until this chapter has ended and a new one, my New York chapter, begins.

I’m still stressing out about my future too far in advance. I need new distractions (besides my current vice) to keep me occupied. The current vice puts me to sleep by 9pm, and quite frankly, that makes me miss project runway so obviously things have to change.

I wanted to go to Peru on a wilderness/camping tour and write. I thought maybe that would inspire me. But I also have this sinking feeling that I’m going to be blocked there as much as I would anywhere. I would just be 14 days dirty (no showers) and tired from the 6-8 hour daily hikes. I love the idea of it and being back out in nature; this urban playground is starting to get the best of me. I just don’t know if it’s in the cards for now.

I’m too young to write a memoir.


I hope you finally find someone
Someone that you trust
And give him everything
I hope you meet someone your height
So you can see eye-to-eye
With someone as small as you

Training Tracks

September 23, 2008

1. War – The Cardigans
2. Dawn Chorus – Boards of Canada
3. Handle Me – Robyn
4. I’ve Been Drinking – Company Kang
5. A Change is Gonna Come – Sam Cooke
6. The Jacket – First Floor Power
7. Who’s Gonna Save My Soul – Gnarls Barkley
8. Can’t Complain – Nicklecreek
9. Timebomb – Beck
10. Tightrope (Tokyo Police Club Remix) – The Coast
11. Misery Business – Paramore
12. Creep (cover) – Damien Rice
13. Electric Feel (cover) – Katy Perry
14. This Side – Nicklecreek
15. If You Want Me – Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
16. Senegal Fast Food – Amadou et Mariam
17. Tell All Your Friends – The Company Kang
18. Nineteen – Tegan and Sara
19. Wamp Wamp (The Clipse) – The Company Kang

Please turn to page 74 and follow along…

Decisions

September 22, 2008

1. I have figured out I want to go to one of the following three places:
a. Peru
b. Japan
c. Egypt
If you have strong feelings about any of these and feel like going after January, call me and let’s go.

2. I have decided on the theme of my book is going to be failure. I have some really great ideas but I don’t want to tell you yet cause I don’t want to ruin it for you.

3. I gave up. I’m moving on. It’s fantastic.

Literally waiting on the last few hours before I leave “home” again. Returning to New York has kind of been an affirmation of everything that I knew was true: this is where I’m meant to be.

I don’t know if my friends play into it a lot, but there is something about this place that really just gives energy to my life. When I am here, I am at home. It is simply that. I very much look forward to my future life here.

Today I have been walking around with a cloud. I am doing my best to put on the happy face and enjoy my last hours here, but I woke up knowing something was wrong. I feel it. I also know I need to get back to Boston – Stef and Jean thought I should leave tomorrow morning first thing, but the cloud says “leave now.”

So that’s what’s going to happen. It’s time to face reality… again.

Where I go, When I go There

September 18, 2008

I’m excited about going to New York this weekend. I’m really excited. There’s some celebrations to be enjoyed, friends to catch up with, and new friends to meet. I’ve missed it there – the spirit, the energy, the life – it’s just been missing from my nature, my being. Going back is going to be somewhat of a struggle as well… being there is going to remind me of everything I don’t have right now.
Josh said something to me the other day that at the time I wanted to punch him in the face for. He said something along the lines of me taking life too seriously. Which I thought wasn’t true. I had this entire conversation with Mike last week about how life is kind of one big joke and we all just have to laugh about whatever comes our way. If I believed in God, I would say he’s been playing a trick on me since day 1, just throwing me stupid shit and seeing what happens. But Josh was actually right (yeah, go ahead and gloat man…) I take life seriously because I was raised with the expectation that I would; Every second of my life is precious, and I have to waste any of it. If I’m not focused on a goal – if I don’t have a plan – I feel as if I’m wasting time… just stalling until the next thing.
In other news: there’s this gorgeous guy I keep running into all over campus. I’m pretty sure he’s a sophmore (*slap* BAD) because I remember him from Whoreintation Oh-Sevs, and I remember thinking he was cute then too. I remember harassing him about coming to some event, which he didn’t come to, and then seeing him later and feeling like an asshole. Now I see him on campus all the time and I wonder if he recognizes me. I doubt it. He’s still hot though. Haha.
My latest real dilemma deals with a situation where I decide to do what I want or what is best. This is a struggle I’ve been dealing with a lot lately, but I’m pretty sure I’m picking the wrong route on this one. But I’m doing it because it’s what I want. I can already start to see the consequences, and knowing me, I’m bound to lash out and act out in a way that is even unhealthier – starting the cycle all over again. I think the new goal is not to get into these situations in the first place – stop allowing myself to be in that headspace – and develop healthy relationships with people that don’t start off… the wrong way. This force has been more present recently, and I’m only starting to notice the pattern. I think it’s a bit of post-relationship backlash as well, but I’ve still got time to turn it around. I’ve still got time.