Living in Fear

September 16, 2008

My subletter appears to have left my apartment in a further state of disarray than I thought she did. Over the past few days, I have discovered more cockroaches in my apartment than I did all last year. I hate cockroaches. They scare the shit out of me. Not because they probably carry diseases and are just plain gross all over my house, but because they are likely to outlive humans for millions of years. (Remember who Wall*e’s best friend was? Besides that other annoying robot.)

Tomorrow I have a really important phone call. I am giving into an instinct, my gut, a feeling I’ve had for awhile now – I am hoping that I am not screwing myself by making this decision, but I won’t know until I do it. I have the support of my parents and my friends, and they will catch me if I fall, but there is no way to know for sure what is going to happen. I kind of have to give in and live my life the way I think I’m supposed to. I may be making the absolutely worst decision of my entire life, but I also thought that not getting into USC was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and look where I am now.

Lastly, I am afraid to give in. There are bits and pieces of me, fibers and threads that desperately want to say what I mean and throw myself in front of your train. There’s no guarantee that I can do it, that I have the strength to tell you, or even tolerate the results. I am in an emotional deadlock and my shoelaces are tied together; I’m tripping and fumbling over every word I have in my vocabulary trying to tell you I feel something. Is it life? Is it love? Is is everything I thought I had? Or am I completely jaded and blinded by the superfluous details that make up you and I? Mirah sang it best:If we sleep together, would it make it any better? If we sleep together, would you be my friend forever? I guess only time will tell, yes?

And I end with a nod to my past:
I had breakfast at our old place this morning. I wore the tshirt you gave me for Valentines Day. I ride to the Mass Ave and Hynes stop thinking I’m going to run into you and I won’t know what to say. I live in fear that I will see you and say nothing that is on my mind, (which is probably best.) We’ve always known I’m masochistic and self-destructive, but you know best that I’m sadistic, and in the end, I’ll fight for exactly what I want. I always do.

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