feel free to stop me if you have heard this already

November 14, 2008

Lately I’ve been having these horrifying dreams that are so lifelike I’m worried that perhaps I’m actually awake and living in some alternate hallucinogenic universe. Last night I felt genuine happiness to the point that when I woke up, I was incredibly depressed that it wasn’t real. It was so real… I felt like I could touch other people and still was watching myself from outside my own body.

Last night was especially scary because I dreamt I was getting married to an ex that I had really intense feelings for. Reflecting on it, I don’t think I have any repressed feelings for that person (nor would I EVER consider marrying that person… I don’t even know who he is anymore…) but the genuine happiness and love that I felt within that dream was so intense… I feel like I can’t feel things to that degree anymore. I’m numbed to the severity and magnitude of the positive feelings in my life. I don’t remember ever feeling that good recently.

What a horrible experience it was to wake up and face the fact I am numbing my bad feelings, and it’s taking the good ones with it… I fear that euphoria is a myth when it comes to love and can only be found in my dreams.

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