It’s on again off again on again off again

November 16, 2008

Are any of us really capable of love? What if it’s natural selection, and only certain members of the species are capable of feeling love, and I am not one of them. What I feel is just my assumption as to what love is, not what it actually is. Other people are capable of a higher chemical reaction, so their level of love is much more intense than my own. I suppose I love the best that I can.

I’ve found in my most recent relationships and adventures in dating that I am building a tougher skin. Instead of peeling layers off an onion, I’m putting them back on, trying to hold it all together. The last time I was with someone, I found myself jumping to conclusions: “Don’t do this. Do this. Think this. This is how you should respond.” I’ve programed myself into thinking I have to function certain ways to get what I want. I’m realizing that’s not how I want my relationships to work, and I’m sick of feeling that I’m stuck in a rut.

I haven’t had many good examples of love. How are we supposed to learn these things?

I am too controlling and subsequently control too much. I’m trying to let go and let more things exist as they are, but instinctively, it is my nature. And I am far too stuck in my ways to completely turn it around.

I’m trying to be careful for what I wish for.

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