January 25, 2009

There’s a big part of myself that is incredibly confused about what I want. There are a lot of things that I need but don’t necessarily want. There are things I want, and don’t necessarily need. (Anyone who reads my baby Crames sees how this is inspired.)

Lately, my life has been a test of will and a test of character. I’m having to point out to myself when I could possibly overreact, and slow myself down before I’m all tied up in chaos. I’ve repeating the mantra: “one thing at a time one thing at a time one thing at a time” but my mind has this big giant list of things I need to get done in a certain amount of time.

I’ve been setting myself deadlines lately that I’m being told are unnecessary. Some friends are telling me to take advantage of this time and just relax… enjoy having graduated and take a break. But I feel like I spent a lot of last month doing that. I would love to “never” work, but I just feel it’s impractical in the long run. Jesus, my mom brought up 401ks last time we talked about finances. I’m still working up the balls to have a completely independent credit card. I just feel like I was brought up sometimes with a completely ridiculous set of financial expectations… like going to the grocery store, we never had to worry about how much money was spent… we could buy and try whatever we wanted because there wasn’t an actual limitation. Now I’m looking for what’s cheapest… not even what is freshest or healthiest or most delicious, what is CHEAPEST so I can spend more money on material things and going out and splurging on things.

Ugh this post is so pointless. I am so pointless. GOD. One thing at a time…

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