Overheard… or not

March 31, 2009

“One day you’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, and you love them.”
“I think maybe I have that person. Maybe.”
“Well, you’ll know it. You’ll have that feeling. You’ll know that they love you in all of your craziness. They’ll be your best friend. And you’ll love waking up next to them every morning.”
“I think you just described him.”
“Then never let him go.”

March 31, 2009

I wish I wasn’t so fucking attached to material things and I could just abandon it all and run away with a backpack.

Per usual, there’s a lot on my mind. Most recently, its the fact I am, very soon, going to be unemployed again. For some reason, that’s finally settling as okay, because I think through this work experience I learned that instead of taking the first job offered to me, I need to be a bit pickier… I need to pick something that is professionally and emotionally satisfying. No more of this “work because I need to work” ish. I get it. My parents are willing to help. I think this problem roots from my “I’ll do it on my own” stigma.

Also, if one more person sits down to coffee with me and asks me how dating in New York is going, I’m going to throw my scalding latte in their face. For reals. The truth is I’m half-assing it. My heart is severely distracted, so the attention I’m getting isn’t exactly wanted. At this point in my life, I think I’ve caught on I shouldn’t shut out options. I could quote Single Ladies right now, but I won’t. I think just saying that gets the point across. Maybe not. Is there a point? Maybe. I think my point is that I feel like I’ve given enough and the ball is in someone else’s court. I think maybe I only have time for people who are willing to put forth the effort. Like Jason. Jason is the best fake boyfriend I’ve ever had.

And on a quazi-related note, I’m probably coming home for a week or so in June for my lil bro’s graduation. I wish I could stay longer, but I’m not sure if that’s going to work out. Depends on work. Depends on how I feel. Depends. Ugh.

More later. Less now.

– The puppy park.
— stepping in poo at the puppy park and not realizing it until I got home several hours later
– That Villanova buzzer shot. Holy fuck.
– Slamming my knee into a shelf rull hard
– showing off my music-picking skills (I’m an asshole, but I was trained by the best: MDilla and J.Pressman)
– Whit telling me and Jason if we’re going to make out to do it in his roommates room
— Jason explaining whats up. HAH.
– Playing asshole and always being Vice Pres
– Eating ramen and mac n cheese upon returning home
– falling asleep to passion pit
– falling asleep with my phone in my hand while waiting for Arlen to call me back (i feel like I’ve said that before :-P)
— waking up and realizing I’ve turned off my phone in my sleep
— waking up and discovering Judy pooped in my bed and me waking up to my foot being on it at 5 in the morning.
—- not Judy’s fault because she couldn’t jump down from the bed
—– actually being glad she pooped in the bed instead of hiding it in a pile of clothes somewhere in my room
—— Then calling Arlen and telling him about it. (The rest of the conversation is a blur. Oh GOD I told him Jason was my boyfriend… haaaaaaah. note: i dont even remember what you responded to that arls. I just remember you yelling at everyone in the room “YOU WANNA HEAR MORE RATATAT?!”)
– Jason stealing ALL the blankets
–me being so belligerent that I just grabbed and pulled to take them back.
—Making him clean up the poop at 5am
– waking up to Judy scratching the shit out of my boobs
— remembering she’s just excited to see me and is in a strange place and has not been home for almost 24 hours.

Le sigh.

I realized on my walk home that I live in a bubble where Jello or ramen is a well balanced meal and speed walking to the stop and then running down the stairs to catch the train constitutes a work out.

Where work ain’t nine to five but it’s from before when the sun rises to when they let you go home.

A bubble that’s reeks of every bad joke you’ve ever heard and tastes like cement and stale garbage.

My life consists of magical moments that are only interrupted by short bursts of city-induced anxiety and tragic stumbles of cracks in the sidewalk.

Half the time I find myself asking “How did I meet these people?” and “Why did I hook up with that guy?”
My only response expels from the crackling of the votives in my window sill.

I have a sizable decision in my immediate future and it’s one I can’t really turn to anyone else for answers. It’s not really a “Best friend/mom/mentor/therapist: WHAT SHOULD I DO?” sort of sitch. This is a “Heart, make up your mind. Although you do not have a brain, I am asking you to use your best judgement.”

In all honesty, I’m not ready to make it. My mind instinctively says “back off. no seriously. fucking BACK OFF”… because this has only lead me into trouble before. I seem to do everything with my heart. I work. I live. I give. Everything has so much heart behind it, I should have a bowl cut, a red ring, and a fucking monkey.

I know exactly how I will feel if I choose either option. I kind of depends on factors which are out of my control.

It’s difficult for control freaks to deal with stuff like that. Just so you know.

I’m going to go keep busy with other things. Or something. Making that captain planet thing took a bit too much out of me. I’m gonna go make out with my Passion Pit tickets because they are making me so happy right now.

.:.

It was all of my energy. More than I wanted to give, I am empty. I won’t give more.
I won’t give more/We just want more

March 27, 2009

I had a dream that I raised some baby chicks and I watched them hatch and then they turned into baby spiders and I tried to carry them into the other room to show my friends but I accidently squashed them and then one of my friends turned into a vampire and flew away.

There was more to it than that, I’m sure, but that’s probably the important part.

I’d just like to preface this by saying this is not a pretty post. I am not nice, a lot of this may be hard to follow, and I’m not gonna censor myself because it’s been a really long day and goddamnit this shit is building up inside me and I’m ready to pop a cap in someones face. BLAM.

Last night was badass, but I had a really rough morning. Five hours of sleep on an unsettled stomach and then dreading going to work. I arrived five minutes early (per usual) and was greeted by my boss, who went on to ask me what she needed to change to make the job better.
“Less time. More money.”
“Impossible.”
(per usual.)
She then proceeded to tell me that she’d asked around and everyone made their receptionist work 10 hours without breaks and making minimum wage. I practically laughed.

Work started off pretty much per usual… me bored and waiting for things to happen… almost everyone in the salon came up to me and mentioned they heard I quit and wanted to know why. I’m sick of talking about it, frankly. I’m quitting, that’s kind of all you need to know… and then of course the lower-level employees start chatting, and then the head stylist’s assistant says something I couldn’t believe.
“You know who I hate? Teh Jews.”
First, yeah, she said “teh” but not on purpose. And second, yes, she said JEWS.
She and other stylist assistant suddenly get into a RAGING conversation about how mean hasidic jews are and what terrible people they are. I can’t believe my ears.
I basically picked my jaw up off the floor and confronted her about it. She basically sounded like a psychopath going on and on about her bad experiences with hasidic jews (mind you, all of the higherups in the salon/spa are ALL JEWISH) and the other stylist decides that it’s time to attack me.
“How many hasidic jews have you met?”
“A few. And they’ve all been very polite.”
“Yeah. We’ll what would you do if one of them called you white trash?”
“I don’t think that would happen but I’d feel bad for them because they’re clearly confused about what white trash is.”
She seemed to not think it was very funny and proceeded to point out that I didn’t live in New York for very long (thanks) and that I had no idea what I was talking about because they didn’t have any hasidic jews from where I was from.
editors note: I feel like I have at least as much New York street cred as she does because she’s a self-tanning, obviously from New Jersey, bridge and tunneler. Harsh, but true.

After this conversation, I did not talk to these girls for the rest of the day. Had it been brought up again, I probably would have lost my shit. Lost it.

Alright, so I did speak to one of them again, very briefly, but she made my up my mind for me that I never had to speak to her again and I would be okay. Here’s how it went:
Her: “Have you seen the movie **********”
Me: “No. But I’d really like to, I’ve heard it was great. Didn’t ******** get nominated for a golden globe or something for it?”
Her: “Yeah! It was great! It was really good. ***** was great and the ending is kind of sad though, you know? The movie is great but it’s sad because in the end she dies.”
Me: “Hold up. Did you just ruin the movie for me?”
Her: “Huh?”
Me: “Did you just tell me how the movie ends? You just ruined the movie.”

She just kind of stared at me blankly, sneered a little bit maybe. God, I’m so done.

After a hellish day at work, I grabbed an abandoned umbrella and practically ran home as I do every night. Jumped on to the train and accidently bumped a girl’s knee with my umbrella.
“Sorry.” I said. My headphones were in, but she looked up at me and gave me a REALLY nasty look. We’re talking like if I poked her in the face with my umbrella, or if I poked her baby in the face with an umbrella (there was no baby). I had poked her in the knee, and she was a bit batshit.
She immediately turned to her friend and started talking shit about me. I couldn’t hear much over my music (thank GOD) but I did hear the following:
“Girl, she just hit me in the knee with her umbrella. Let me tell you what I’d do with that umbrella if she come at me again…”
“I APPOLOGIZED, OKAY? IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.” Okay, sure, it was a bit louder than I planned (thanks ipod headphones) and everyone turns and looks. The girl looks up at me again, same nasty look, and goes back to talking to her friend.
I keep to myself, and two stops later the fat ass friend (yeah, now I’m mad) picks up her coat and ish off the seat so some other idiot can sit down, and she sees her umbrella and laughs: “I apologized okay?”
She knows I heard her, and if looks could kill, the subway would have run over this ho.

Finally made it home through the cold and rain (was inappropriately dressed per usual) and made it into the apartment. I was reunited with my cell phone, which I had left at home this morning (see: 5 hours of sleep) and was excited to see how many people had called/texted/what have you.
Oh look. Only my therapist called and left me a message. Nobody else. Nice.

Today was a weeee mindfuck, and frankly, all I want to do is go through the motions and pass out. Unfortunately, I have to abide by a new system that I’ve set up for my general health. So far, it sucks. Ugh.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately… today I it almost sent me into a slight panic, and I went to go for my phone to call my mom and calm down a bit, but when I remembered I didn’t have my phone, I had no choice but to breathe myself out of panic… it kind of worked. I started writing down everything that was making me panic, which kind of helped, and also kind of reiterated what was bugging the shit out of me.

I’m having a bit of a heart struggle. I’m not sure what I can say, or if I even should say, anything. For now, radio silence. But later, SSN is probably back in the building, by default…

FML

March 25, 2009

Yesterday there was a client who had flown in from outside the US for her facials. She was very direct, and at one point I just found her too abrasive to entertain, so I pretended to be very busy looking at the schedule.

When I looked up, there was a dirty tissue on my desk.

Huh? So I threw it away thinking I forgot about it or something.

Two minutes later I look up. Another dirty tissue. But this time, I see this client walking back to the couch. She grabs another tissue on the way.

This woman has been using tissues and leaving them on my desk. For me to throw away.

She was sitting next to the garbage can. Literally.

Absolute Focus

March 24, 2009

I’ve found that I often go into subways, trying to make eye contact with people, searching for higher meaning. Every person I look at seems to just stare back. No judgement. No emotion. Just present.

It is in those moments, that blankness, is how I think the rest of the world sees itself. In the eyes of others, I am constantly looking for a reason, judgement, any sort of emotion, and often my mind will come up with something on its own. While what is really going on, what is really happening outside the bubble, is that blankness. We don’t stare upon each other with so much thought. Right?

Well…

I often question the choices I make and am constantly searching for approval when I make them. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made a decision in my entire life that I wasn’t convinced I had some support on. These nasty developmental patters… these habits… these are what I’m trying to break down… to squash these assumptions my brain makes and recognize things for what they are instead of constantly searching for higher meaning.

shut up shut up shut up dont ask

Here We Go #2903894

March 24, 2009

I was going to write yesterday afternoon, but I was attacked by a small savage dog named Judy.

Seriously, she blacked up my eye and scratched my left boob (not my favorite one, but scratched me nonetheless.)

So sorry, a bit behind on the updates. Just know that the dramz are going down today and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel tomorrow…