Psh.

April 28, 2009

Something I’m really having to come to terms with is rejection. I understand it’s just as hard to reject someone (for most people) as it is to be the rejected one.

I went out the other night and just didn’t hit it off with this guy. He was nice, he was intelligent, but I just didn’t feel the click. I didn’t want to do the physical connections I find myself doing to people I’m attracted to: the leg touch, hand brush, and the shoulder bump… Those indicators of attraction and interest.

Nope. They weren’t there. And I don’t feel like he felt it either. And I don’t feel like either one of us could say it.

Oh well.

Re-reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” is really doing wonders for me. The “if he’s not calling you, he’s not thinking about you” part is starting to stick. thank GOD.

That is all. FOR NOW.

Stupid Fucking Pirate

April 27, 2009

The following excerpt is from the book “He’s Just Not That Into You”*:

Chapter 2: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You:

Men Know How to Use the Phone

– If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
– If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize he’s okay with disappointing you.
– Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
– If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
-“Busy” is another word for “asshole”. “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.
– You deserve a fucking phone call.

*Match.com, please take note and include this excerpt with every female subscription. Thank you.

Internet Rejection

April 26, 2009

My latest experiment has been a success… thus far. But here’s the question of the hour:

What is worse: meeting someone and having a great time and they never call you back? or having someone reject you via the internet before they’ve ever met you?

This is something I am going to explore over the next few weeks as I begin phase two of “Operation: Get Over It”*. More details to be disclosed soon… especially if I don’t get a call back. HAH.

*reason for operation name will be disclosed to select individuals

amazing. simply amazing. I mean, I’d say 90% awesome, 7% he said/did what?, and 3% what the fuck have I gotten myself into.

let’s just say it’s a passing grade for sure, and hopefully this is not the last of these experiences. I had a great time with a group of complete strangers, and began to prove to myself that I CAN do this and that some things I thought were concrete and sure are slightly deceiving.

Jason pointed something really valid out to me tonight: I’ve made it past the hardest part: I’ve jumped in without testing the water and I am still floating.

Conclusion

April 24, 2009

How do you know when it’s time to stop? Time to give up? Time to quit?

Everything in my heart says that I already know the answer, but I feel like I am just getting continuously disengaged from everything. My mind is never clear, never defined, and quite possibly never right, and therefore can’t be trusted. But my brain is telling me to let go, to move on.

And my heart won’t let me until it’s been hurt. I’ve been back and forth over this so many times I just need to be hurt worse than before to put an end to it.

I’ve never been a good quitter.

Tonight I embarked on a new experiment… a new life… And I wish the part of me I gave away could just be let go, disposed of, so that I can finally walk away.

A conclusion, closure. It’s what I want… right?

I just can’t tell anymore.

+ it tells you every time someone looks at your profile
– it tells someone every time you look at their profile… whoops.
+ I can pick exactly what I want!
– ew, who’s this creeper from NJ who just winked at me?

…more to come…

Update

April 22, 2009

For those of you following along, I’ve already quit my job. Yep. Quit the day before it started. More on this later.

do work

April 22, 2009

Tomorrow is my first day. This is the last time I’m going to explain what goes on exactly.

My job basically consists of this: There was an Energy Deregulation Act that was passed in 2005 which means the consumer is allowed to pick the supplier of their energy; ConEd is the delivery service, but they buy energy from suppliers, which are the companies that actually make it. I go business to business in an assigned area and point out to managers/owners/bill payers that ConEd, although required by law to point out the Energy Deregulation Act, and show them on their bill the tiny little box that ConEd informs them. I offer them a set rate for 12 months (for the most part cheaper than the fluctuating prices that go WAY up over summer) if they sign a agreement (a penalty-free non-binding contract) with the energy company the company I work for represents, which has a Better Business Bureau rating of “A”, with no complaints.

Does that make sense? Cause I’m pretty much done explaining it forever.
My guess is this job won’t last very long either, so after I’m done, I’m not gonna explain what I used to do. This is it.

Chances

April 20, 2009

I picked someone to be a roommate who I don’t know very well at all. I spent the least amount of time interviewing her out of all of the people I spoke to, but I got a pretty positive vibe from her, so I’m gonna run with it.

I had my second interview with the marketing company I had my interview with last week. This interview involved a full-day job shadow, and a third interview afterwards if you did well during your day-shadow, which is used to evaluate your integrity and personality in general – basically whatever your resume can’t show. I spent the entire day walking around in the rain, with a broken umbrella, all over Flushing. I’d say I was quite the trooper.
I was offered the position during my interview at the end of the day – without even running it by the board – and I start Thursday.
My friend Kelly had told me the other night that she had applied for a similar position, and after making her run around midtown all day they told her it was commission only. So I was very wary going in, knowing that if they said it was commission only, that I would just leave. Well, when they called to confirm my interview, I asked for clarification:
“Is this a commission only position? Or are there full salary positions?”
“Some run on commission. Some on salary.” Derek, the receptionist, stated.
So imagine my surprise when I’m literally TRAPPED in Queens (I have NO idea where I am) and in a dingy pizza parlor in the pouring rain I’m told that until about 8 months in do you get a salary.
Oooooh boy so mad.
On the other hand, I can’t really turn down a job. Let’s get real: isn’t unemployment at this point worse? For all I know, I could be really good at this and make a lot of money fast. Who knows. I’m trying to stay optimistic, but it’s a huge risk.

Maybe chance isn’t the issue here. Maybe it’s risk. Maybe It’s putting myself out there. This sounds all too familiar.

There is a really great thunderstorm outside. It’s making the sky glow purple. I’m exhausted from being cold in the rain all day and I’m really looking forward to sleeping in.

Addiction

April 18, 2009

There’s gonna be a bit of self disclosure in this one. It’s gonna be ugly and dark and you might just want to skip this one if you can’t handle it. Brace yourself.

Tonight I’ve been watching a CNN special on addiction. On the one hand, it makes me realize the struggle with drug use* I have in my own life. (*The term “drug use” being used in it’s most general form… including alcohol.) I’ve self medicated, and I’ve been even prescribed drugs that people in my neighborhood buy off each other. But as I’m watching this show, specifically the segment with recovering addict Nic Sheff (author of “Tweak”) and he’s talking about this intrinsic self-loathing… this part of himself that even if there was a miracle pill that could cure his addiction and kill his cravings, he probably wouldn’t stop. He’d just want to silence that hurt. (He later retracts that statement, but I understand why he said it in the first place, I think.)

It really hit me. Hard. For as long as I can remember I have this bit of my self that just absolutely beats down any self-esteem I’m able to build. For example, I worked my ass off the last few years in internships, I was even offered a job before I graduated, yet, I see myself as a failure, because I a) didn’t take the job and b) still don’t know what I want to do with my life… isn’t that what that part of my life was supposed to do? It wasn’t an achievement at all. It was an experiment, a failed one at that, and now I’m no better off than I was; regardless of those experiences, no one will hire me.

“I am isolated, alone, disgusted with everything.” Nic said in a four-page letter when explaining to CNN why he relapsed. My heart aches because he’s verbalizing exactly how I feel. While his memoir itself isn’t a perfect book (just bought a copy on Amazon to get a real taste of it), I am finding his disposition incredibly relatable. And that scares the shit out of me. I feel like I’m sharing sentiments with a drug addict.

Am I an addict? In some ways, yes. I have found that I am much more addicted to the spontaneous release of chemicals in my brain… if I feel good when I’m with you, I’m not letting you go. General psychology refers to this as “friendship” or “love”. I see it as addiction, and I’m treating it as so.

While I’ve limited my drug intake as of late severely – my self-medication – I’ve been also trying to limit the amount of prescriptions that affect my function. I can tell when it is, and I know I’m capable of living without them. I was once able to, and my body isn’t in any state of disrepair. I just need to get past this. I need to get past that horrible part of me that hates every inch of myself and loathes who I am and what I’ve become.

I’m worried my addiction will leave me dead one day. If not physically, mentally. I’ll wake up one day with nothing left, as I sometimes do as of late. I suppose I keep living for my family, in fear that if I left, how disappointed they’d be… not that they’d miss me, but that they’d be dissappointed.

Well this has been really heavy. I wish someone would crawl into bed and spoon with me. Not that the chemicals released from that aren’t part of the problem. I need to be okay with “just me” again.