June 11, 2009

I just checked my blog stats (for fun… slow day at work) and I found that someone found my blog through googling “build a stairway to heaven with a prince.”

I clicked the link to see which post they read. It started out nicely enough… talking about a acquaintance from high school who got married and had a baby, and how I was young and not ready for that sort of thing and blah blah blah…

And then I got to the end of the post:

“And on a truly ironic note, happy one year anniversary baby”

Do you ever read things that make you physically nauseated? I’ve always been that way… I can think myself into stomach pain. Horrible, really. Would be a nice talent if I were an actor or something, but in everyday life, not so great.

I looked at the post date… April 13, 2008. It’s been over a year since we broke up and I still am uncomfortable. He’s moved on, got a new girlfriend that he seems to really like, and good for him. I mean, I’m glad he found someone that works for him. I know I was never that perfect girl for him, and I can safely say a majority of his interest at the beginning either involved who I was working for or based purely on physical attraction (which makes NO sense to me. Ever. EVER.) Whatever, point is, I am in a place where I can confidently say I hope he’s happy in his life.

However, I am not in a place where I can see him or speak to him. I am unbelievably uncomfortable. He’s seen me at my absolute weakest moments. Moments that I don’t let anyone see. We were living together, you know? Every second I wasn’t in class, I was with him, and I lost my social life and my sanity when he left. I forgot who I was because every part of me was connected to him.

In one of our several interesting conversations this week, Josh admitted that last summer he wasn’t emotionally available to new romantic prospects… something that I don’t know a lot of people could recognize or admit to. I certainly can’t.


How emotionally available am I? I’ve always found myself to be INCREDIBLY emotionally available. To everyone, practically. God, I’d tell the commuters on the subway about my problems if they’d listen (damn you, iPods!) But am I even emotionally available now? Am I too caught up in a multi-exboyfriend tornado of feelings? Ew. I sound like an emo poetry-writing 5th grader. Shoot me.

As emotionally available as I write myself off to be, I’m beginning to think that my heart is definitely with other people… I don’t know why, that’s just the way it feels right now.

(How am I going to learn these things about myself with you?)


One Response to “Unbeweavable”

  1. Brandon said

    I agree about the ipods.

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