worried about the wrong things, the wrong things

June 23, 2009

I have always been a worrier. I’m a panicker. Paranoid. Jumpy. What have you.

However there have been some recent changes in my life that have changed my perspective drastically.
– time out, does this sound just like every other post I’ve written? probably… –
But tonight, I would like to introduce you to the “worst case scenario” perspective.

Ever since this life change came about, I found myself responding differently to situations… analyzing differently… feeling differently. Blah blah blah blah SHIT IS DIFFERENT OKAY?

But here’s where it varies:
Say something traumatic happens, like I can’t get a roommate:

Old Natalie: “HOLY FUCK. I don’t have a roommate. I live in an apartment I can’t afford. I’m freeloading off my parents and I feel like I’m going nowhere. This is the end of the world. I should probably kill myself. Yeah. Kill yourself. Things are better when you’re dead. Wait. You don’t have a roommate and nobody has the keys to your apartment. They’ll find you after you start to smell or you melt down into a puddle of ooze and start to seep through the floor on the nice boys that live downstairs. Nobody will find me for weeks. Fuck. I don’t have a roommate. I’m so fucked.”

New Natalie: “Oh, nobody wants to move in by the first of this month? Okay. Well. I guess my dad will just have to help me out and maybe next month I’ll have someone in time. At least they can move in and pay part of the month. Worst case scenario, nobody moves in, and at the end of my lease, I move to a smaller apartment. Sure, moving sucks, but if that’s the worst that’s going to happen… shit, I ain’t homeless or nothin.”

See the difference? Less cursing. Slightly more optimistic, and less dwelling on the easy-way-out-suicide scenario. The new catch phrase is “worst case scenario…” this often occurs after something terrible happens: Old Natalie would have immediately thought that the worst was happening NOW and that everything depended on this very second. New Natalie is kind of bored with old Natalie and told her to suck it.

The scariest part of this whole “damage/repair” process of my psyche is the lack of self I’m discovering. Yeah, sure, I know who I am pretty well at my core (alright for the most part) but as I’m leaving Old Natalie and becoming New Natalie, a part of me feels so lost… do people expect Old Natalie to still be around? Sure, people may like New Natalie better, but Old Natalie is what they know… what will they think if she’s gone one day? Do I need to still act like Old Natalie? Will they ever remember Old Natalie? Have I totally lost who I was?

This is progress. I think. I feel like I’m moving forward in this aspect of my life, but in everything else, I’m regressing back to 16 again…

“There are songs I can’t hear and places I can’t go because they all remind me of you. We can’t fuck it up this time, because it is probably the last chance we’ve got.”

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One Response to “worried about the wrong things, the wrong things”

  1. […] often wonder what’s the worst that could happen. And in this specific situation, I know the best and worst case scenario. So much of it weighs on […]

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