you are the worst thing that could happen to me

June 25, 2009

What happens when you figure out what you want?

Really.

Last night, I think I reached a point in my self-exploration where I figured out what I want in a couple questionable aspects in my life. Lately, I’ve been struggling with knowing what I want, and thinking that it’s wrong. Let’s use a carefully planned example, shall we?

I’ve moved to New York City to really start my life. I write down my “perfect world” scenario, which I know isn’t exactly realistic, but is what I would want if there was nothing in my way.

Say my “perfect world” is that I meet a really rich doctor/lawyer/investment banker who thinks I’m the most amazing creature in the world. He marries me and we move into a gorgeous soho loft that we hire a decorator for because we both know i have no style. I pump out a couple of kids, never have to work, and spend my days raising my children, making scrapbooks and knitting and baking and watching all the reality TV I want.*

*Note: this is not what I want. I’m just using a general example so all you slow kids can follow along.

But I think it’s wrong. The independent woman in me says you need to start your career, don’t get married until you really fall in love, don’t pump out kids now (crazy) and for the love of god what a plan-B, disappointment you would be.

But last night hit me hard and fast like a ton of bricks… if I know my dream scenario, and the only reason I’m not chasing it is because I’m worried about what my parents/family/friends would think, who says they’re right?

I’ve rewritten the next paragraph several times, trying to figure out how to word this properly in the least-offensive way. But I guess what it boils down to is learning from the mistakes of others. I love my parents dearly, and with all due respect to them, I think I’ve reached a point where I need to not let their voices weigh so much anymore… I kind of have to let go. There’s no easy way to word this, but I question how much of their advice is valid or relevant to my life… they’ve made mistakes in their lives, and while they’ve learned from them and have tried to guide me, maybe I need to make my own mistakes, take the chances I should take, and stop being so scared. God that’s really the bulk of it. Fear.

My biggest fear is when I say what I want, it won’t be reciprocated. It will fall on deaf ears and I will be exposed, vulnerable, and raw. I’ve been there too much too recently, and I’m wondering if I just need to suck it up and find closure in several aspects of my life. It’s just the fear of fucking up that keeps me from doing it. The fear that no one supports me. I’m alone.

I often wonder what’s the worst that could happen. And in this specific situation, I know the best and worst case scenario. So much of it weighs on the choices of others, that I’m afraid to even approach the subject.

The real question of the hour is if I continue to sit on what I actually want and take one for the team, or if I throw caution to the wind, and for once in my life make a choice that could be the best or worst thing that could ever happen to me.

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