Brief Letters

July 30, 2009

Dear Ross (and Janice, by association apparently),

My secret project that will be finished in August is not me coming out as a lesbian. It’s kind of the opposite, and it’s better. Trust me.

Sorry to disappoint 😛

Love, Natalie

—–

Dear Peanut Gallery,

I will no longer rely on you to make decisions. I’m standing up for myself for one of the first times in my life, and I will continue to stand by them from now on. I will also do my best not to spark situations where you feel obligated to comment. Just givin you a heads up if I seem quiet.

Thanks for your help, but in the future, keep it to yourself please.

Love, Natalie

—–

Dear Judy,

I am very excited you are coming to stay with me soon. I really hope you don’t pee all over the place, because I haven’t even gotten the bathroom rug cleaned from last time yet. However, I’m really looking forward to having you be my best friend for the weekend.

Love,
Auntie Natalie

—–

Dear Glenn,

I love the shit out of you. You are such a wonderful friend and I wish you didn’t have to leave and I could keep you forever and ever and ever. I have decided I will come visit you in Chicago and we will have a grand old time freezing our asses off there. Huzzah.

Can’t wait for the ring flash.

Love, Natalie

—–

Dear Weekend,

Where the eff are you? Get here already. Kthanks.

Love, Natalie

—–

Dear Little Bro,

You’re going of to college so soon. I am so glad you’re excited, and I really hope that the transition isn’t as difficult as I think it’s going to be. I have faith that you can kick college’s ass if you really put your mind too it. You’re a smart cookie, and if you do your homework (don’t skip the reading, really) you’ll make it.

Be a good boy. Don’t forget to call your mother. Seriously. Set an alarm or something.

Love your favorite sister, Natalie

P.S. Sorry, Katie. But I have taken the title with much strength and glory.

—–

Dear Clock,

Please run faster. Sometimes you are so annoying (often around the 3, 4, and 5 o’clock hours) and I really wish you would just get your shit together and end the day. I would really appreciate it, and I know a couple of my coworkers would too.

Love, Natalie

—–

Dear A,

Oh, you know.

Watch your mailbox 😉

Love, N

P.S. I called Burt, he said you could come visit his bees anytime.

Advertisements

Turnaround

July 29, 2009

I have been in a really self destructive place lately. Part of me is so sure of things, but if I show the slightest bit of weakness, I am destroyed.

Weakness turns into insecurity turns into fear turns into destruction.

But I’ve kind of figured out the root of this problem… and I think I’m nipping that problem in the butt.

I am looking forward. I am remaining positive. I am happy.

These affirmations feel like lies I rely on sometimes. But I feel as if I tell myself that they are true, that they are believable and plausible, then they will be. That’s how affirmations are supposed to work, right? RIGHT?!

I donno if y’all remember, but I was a really big fan of Jon and Kate plus 8. I’ve watched it for years and really admired the Gosselins.

And then we had that big ol messy divorce thing. Okay, I can handle it. Way to be strong, Kate. Way to live your life the way you want to Jon.

But Jon, then you went and made an IDIOT of yourself.

I was rooting for you Jon. I really was. While watching the show, I was really hoping that things would work out and your and Kate’s friendship could remain to help the kids. I had a lot of faith in you that you would do the right thing.

And then you moved to New York City.

I don’t really give a shit who you date. Hell, I don’t blame you for wanting to experience that. You got married when you were 23. TWENTY FUCKING THREE. And then you had twins. You lost a lot of those important partying years, and I can see why you’re all girl crazy now. I certainly don’t blame you for that in the slightest.

What I’m pissed about, Jon, is the proposal of you getting your own reality show. I think that is total bullshit.

Let’s review, shall we Jon?

Way back in the episodes where you guys were separated and whatnot, it was implied that you didn’t really want to be in the spotlight. Sure, you were jealous of Kate’s recognition and whanot, but you made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to be on the book tours and morning shows. You wanted to go back to having a normal life and having normal jobs… or so you implied.

But now theyre saying youre in talks to get a reality show for TLC? Goddamnit, Jon. I don’t like cursing at tolerable nice super religious people, but GODDAMNIT. What the FUCK are you thinking? For someone who was so mad about being in the spotlight and not having a normal life, you’ve certainly fucked it up for yourself, haven’t you? You dated a 23 year old who was the daughter of your ex-wife’s plastic surgeon. You’re now sleeping with a former Star reporter. What next Jon? When’s the sex tape? When is somebody gonna come out of the woodwork and say that you’ve got a love child out there floating around? You have stepped in it, Jon. You are tracking that shit all over New York City, and you are getting all the negative attention you deserve.

If there is a Jon Gosselin show, I will not be watching it. If it gets to the point where you have a reality show airing, it will be the end of our “relationship”. You make me sick already with all of this bullshit and you don’t seem to be hating the spotlight at all… with all that product placement bullshit. Jesus, Jon. You are REALLY asking for it.

Please Jon, disappear into the woodwork the way you wanted to way back when. You’ll probably be one of the most famous reality show “stars” ever, and because you said for so long that it wasn’t what you wanted, all I can do is point my finger and laugh at you.

Shame on you, Jon Gosselin. Shame.

Sigh.

These posts lately have been too “blah blah blah my life sucks” and I’m getting sick of it. So today, I’ve decided to discuss a few things that are probably more interesting to the general public. (My most viewed post was the one I wrote on Nic Sheff’s “Tweak”, which was a really weak review of the book on my behalf and was more about my personal connection to it… So I don’t know why Google brings it up and people keep reading it… Also, Glenn Boozan, stop googling yourself at work. Somebody has found my blog twice by googling your name.)

Alright here we go.

I figured I’d start and Oprah style “Natalie’s Favorite Things” post collection because I like to think that I like a wide range of things. But there’s a difference between “needs” and “wants” so pay attention I suppose. This is probably stuff I should be posting on my tumblr but I’ll get there.

NATALIE’S FAVORITE NEEDS:


Nothing beats these flats. Nothing. I had a pair I’ve worn for 2 years (bought them at a DSW in SF in Summer of 2007) until they started fraying at the toes and had to be repaired with clear nail polish (that didn’t work too well.) They are my everywhere shoes in this city – comfortable enough that I can wear them all day and and cute enough that I can wear them to work or dress them up to go out at night. I bought a new pair about a month ago, and they are just as wonderful as my last pair (which I honestly can’t bring myself to throw away… GAHHH) and I’m tempted to buy another pair before they disappear forever! BC has stopped making them (I mean they were from 2 years ago) but you can still find them on smaller sites in a few colors. These shoes are DEFINITELY a “need” because in the summer they’re all I wear for the most part. Flip flops in New York City are an invitation for getting flat tire’d or having the dirtiest feet ever by the time you get home (and those that know me know I can’t STAND having feet that dirty.)


This shit is bananas. Seriously. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have seriously acne-prone skin, but every once and awhile a real ugly one will pop out of nowhere. But this shit works. No joke. I’ve tried proactive (thought if I was on a regular face cleaning regimen that it would stop it all together) and it didn’t work… in fact, I’m pretty sure it might have been making me break out more. I did the Clinique line, I’ve tried Aveeno washes – but this is the fastest, most awesome thing ever. Literally dabbed it on the problem spots before I go to bed and it’s noticeably smaller and not as red in the morning. This is gross, but I’m a popper (I can’t stand it) and this stuff works for that too – If I fuck it up, this shit repairs it. In three days (if applied twice a day) my zits are pretty much GONE. Awesome. For $7, its worth every penny. I’ve had the same tube for probably a few years now and it’s still awesome. (I know Clinique makes a similar product that works well also, but why pay more than $10 at a department store for something that you can get for $7 almost ANYWHERE.)

NATALIE WANTS:

YES PLEASE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY?


I can’t justify spending $50 on this. I am tempted to buy a used Amazon version but will be sooo pissed if it doesn’t work right :/


(god that picture is gigantic)
I’m not sure if this is a need or want. I can’t tell if my voyager’s new issues are a sign that the end is near or not, so very soon, I’m making the big jump to blackberry. My voyager has been incredibly faithful, and for the most part it’s a superb phone. I plan on hanging on to it in case my new blackberry craps out (which would be DEVASTATING.) I feel almost bad getting rid of it; I have some sort of complex where inanimate objects have personalities and I feel bad for pushing them away. Weird, right? Whatever. I’ve had the voyager for 2 years, and only now does it have it’s little ticks… we take our technology for granted so much… like if your phone doesn’t connect INSTANTLY or has a little tick or something, it’s automatically TERRIBLE and WORTHLESS. This phone is so little and perfect for the needs that I had, I’m so scared to switch to Blackberry. I don’t want people to think it’s going to give them more instant access to me… being on BBM and having my email all the time and ughhh I do not want that sort of responsibility. I feel so tied down by my possessions as is, how is getting a phone that requires more commitment to technology helping me?

For the record, I’m getting a pink one if I try out the Storm and hate it.

Speaking of commitments and keeping shit and whatnot, I have an issue with getting rid of things. I’m trying to talk Jason into coming over and helping me get rid of crap, which I am SO not good at. (My mom used to help me.) I’m just no good at throwing things away. I have boxes full of letters and notes (There are a few in there from middle school. No joke.) Maybe I should scrapbook all of that shit, but then there’s all my craft stuff – which I just keep buying more and more of and can’t use it fast enough. I feel bad just throwing it away, and quite frankly, some of it I don’t want to get rid of… I mean I have some great yarn I’d like to use and some fabrics that will come in handy later on, but I can’t bring myself to just throw shit away. That’s my mother in me – always recycling everything we owned and using something until it was broken beyond repair. My mother hated throwing things away if they still worked (getting a “new” computer to replace the older slower one never really made sense to her I think) and I can’t do it either. If you’re really good at getting rid of stuff, I’d really appreciate it if you came over and helped me. I’m awesome at organizing, but getting rid of stuff just does not compute.

I’ve also sorted out my whole birthday situation recently. I have so many friends going out of town the weekend of the 29th, my birthday (figures, the year my birthday is on a weekend…) so I’ve decided to bump it up a week. This means my birthday weekend (yes, I get a whole weekend. I love celebrating, so suck it.) is the weekend of the 22nd-23rd. The night of the 22nd will be the PARTY (like the real-deal-balls-to-the-wall-you-might-actually-vomit-party (location TBA, but I’ve got a great idea…), and don’t worry, I’ll bring cupcakes to suck up some of the booze) and then on Sunday the 23rd, is the Girl Talk show at the Pool Party. I can almost guarantee that there will be a line around the block to get in (bitch, please. It’s hipster music in the hipster capital of the world.) so get there early. I will probably be meeting everyone in there because, oh, I have a press credentials (wahwah!)… if you’re interested in attempting to beat the system, give me a holler and I’ll try to help you out 😉 I will be spending the afternoon getting over my hangover and dancing so hard to Girl Talk. I am praying that it we will not have a massive thunderstorm, and if we do, I’m planning on dancing through it, so FUCK IT. Get hit by lightning? WHO CARES IT’S MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.*

*this is not true. I care, and if there is a big storm like last weekend, I will be hauling ass back to my apartment and watching the storm from my window. I will absolutely not be getting hit by lightning or dancing in the rain. Sorry.

I hope everyone can make it to either day 1 or day 2. Two day passes are available at Walmart and your corner bodega at a discounted price. I honestly don’t want any shit from anyone for my birthday. I don’t even want anyone to buy me a drink (we’re all poor enough.) What I would like, is all of my friends to be in one place while everyone is having a wonderful time. People are no good at surprising me, so I figure planning all of this myself will work out just super.

A Lack Thereof

July 27, 2009

I’ve written 4 posts over the last week that are unfinished and saved as drafts. I can’t bring myself to finish them right now.

Had a long conversation with my good friend and mentor, Steve, and he had a LOT of great input for my novel, which I haven’t looked at in almost a week. Steve loves Sci-Fi and is a trusted source in my life for all things writing/screenwriting. I hope to put a lot of his advice to good use and come up with something awesome. He seems to think I’ve got a great start for a novice Sci-Fi writer, and that makes me really amped. I don’t think he’d compliment me unless he meant it, and I’m really excited that maybe this is something good…

I had some scares over the past 24 hours that have almost undone all the relaxation from the weekend. Last week was horrible, and I was really hoping to start this week off right, but I’m feeling a little off and I’m thinking I’m going to need to make a lifestyle change soon. I’m trying already, but it’s not just a habit I’m going to pick up overnight.

I feel like all of the blood is pulsing from the back of my neck, through my brain and into the bridge of my nose.
I hope that puts into perspective how whacked out my body is right now :/ I’m not even sure how to end this anymore.

I’m not even sure how to end this anymore.
I’m not even sure.
I’m not sure.
I’m not.

Stutter

July 24, 2009

The past 48 hours has been ridiculous. This week, actually, has been a bit out of control.

The shitty part is I’m not sure if it’s just me, or if it’s just the world not cooperating. I’m doing my best to fight my instincts and pacify my anxieties, and yet, I’m all sorts of uneasy. Unstable. I’m stuttering.

The only subconscious force I can think of was that this was exactly the same time last summer when I was getting ready to go to LA. I was so scared. But I took that risk, knowing I would be sure of my decision afterward. I am full of guilt if I don’t take an opportunity that’s presented to me. Again, I’m in that place and I’m awkward and sleepless.

I can’t stand still anymore. I realized it while waiting for the subway. I pace, I walk in circles, I shift my weight over and over. I am impatient and unbalanced.

As you lie before me now, like a shadow
On a pea-green sea
Never thought that I would find you so hollow
Laying into me

This cup of wine
All salt and brine’s made me sleepy
Sorrow sows
A field of tears, that will never yield a single penny
That I don’t owe
Got nothing to hold on to

Wished for gold so I could buy you a palace
By the riverside
You’d come in and I would fill your diamond chalice
You were still alive

This cup of wine
Of salt and brine’s made me sleepy
Sorrow sows
A field of tears, that will never yield a single penny
That I don’t owe
Got nothing to hold on to
I’ve got nothing to hold on to

Were you sleepless, tearing at the air?
Was the water everywhere?
Were you fretful to wade into the room
I’d been wanting to hear from you
Oh, no

Hand it over
Hand it over
You’re weary, lay him down
You did your time, so thank you very much
Hand it over
Hand it over
So now your hopes are all allayed
Would you hand it all away?

Did his eyelids affix on empty chairs?
You had traveled to lay beside
A gentle torture to watch it all recede
And all the while, your mother slept beside him
Oh, no

Hand it over
Hand it over
You’re weary, lay him down
You did your time, so thank you very much
Hand it over
Hand it over
So now your hopes are all allayed
Would you hand it all away?

Were you sleepless, tearing at the air?
Was the water everywhere?
Were you fearful and long to run away
From the cold clasp of Illinois?
Oh, no
Oh, no
Oh

Hand it over
Hand it over
You’re weary, lay him down
You did your time, so thank you very much
Hand it over
Hand it over
So now your hopes are all allayed
Would you hand it all away?
No
Would you hand it all away?
Oh…

The Way We Were

July 23, 2009

Last night I had a breakthrough.

This morning, I woke up to a new perspective.

Today, I’m wearing a necklace I’ve owned for over a year for the first time.

It’s quite a beautiful piece. A vintage locket with a coral cameo… it really does suit me. The colors are right, the length and color. It really is just right.

It was my one year anniversary gift from my ex boyfriend. It’s the only piece of jewelry I’ve ever received from a boy, and I was unable to take it out of the box until today.

I haven’t even been able to look at it in the box. It’s been closed for a year… sitting amongst my jewelry boxes and earing holders, and random knickknacks thrown on the shelf. Every time I tried to put it on, it didn’t feel right. It never did.

I haven’t spoken to him in about a year. I don’t really need to. I find that I sometimes have to shut off from people in order to move on… to grow. My emotional availability after him was slim to none, and even looking at the necklace upset me. I sometimes felt like my ex wanted me to be someone else… have a style that suited his more than my own. I didn’t really have any style (still don’t) but I held my ground pretty firmly. I felt like this was first gift he gave me that really was me. Maybe he understood me after that year, maybe not. In the end, we broke up because I think he didn’t understand me… and in the end, I’m not sure if I understood him either.

I guess that’s why I cling to people sometimes. If someone shows the slightest inclination of interest and understanding of how my brain works, I savor that relationship as if it were the last one I would ever have.

I woke up this morning and decided it was time for a change. I have too many secrets, too many balls in the air, too many fears. Not enough risk or love or commitment to make any of it worth it. Words no longer hold worth; only action.

I can’t live like this anymore. I’m living dishonestly. I’m living a lie. I’m living as someone that I was, not someone I want to be. I’ve grown… I’ve changed. I wish I could be the woman I always dreamed of being, but that’s an old dream. It’s aged and cracking at the seams.

“You owe him nothing. He’s done nothing for you except cause you pain. You act as if you owe him everything you have.”
“He’s the only one that really knows me.”
“And you think he’s the only one that ever will.”
“I know it.”
“Do you, really?”

“Really?”
“I guess we’ll never know.”

I need to end this here before I give too much. I always do. It’s in my nature. I need to stop talking about what I want, and do it already… actions speaking louder than words.

Call me…

July 23, 2009

Crazy –

“You’re not learning from mistakes so you keep making the same one over and over…”

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

July 22, 2009

Here’s how this works:

1. You have bad news that you don’t want to tell me or I ask you a question you really don’t want to answer. You have the option of telling me the truth or a lie. If you lie to me, go to #2, if you tell me the truth, go to #3. If you avoid the situation altogether and dance around it every time we talk, go to #6.

2. If I catch you lying (which I will, every time.) go to option #4. If you get away with it (which you won’t) go to option #5.

3. I appreciate your honesty and while that news is unfortunate, I do not hate you for being the bearer of bad news. Seriously. I’ve learned to take things much less personally and sometimes shit just doesn’t work the way you want it to. Such is life.

4. I don’t care if you did it to keep your ass from getting kicked or from me getting my feelings hurt, I will probably not speak to you for a really long time. Just so you know, I’m really good at that, so if you’re trying to get rid of me, that’s the way to do it. Congratulations, I probably hate you.

5. You’re going to have to live with that lie for the rest of your life. You’re going to have to stand by it and commit to that lie as if it were truth. If you crack or I find out you lied, go to #4.

6. You’re a wuss. I will probably get annoyed with your constant dodging, so go to #4. Yet, I will probably beat it out of you because I will see you dancing around it and I will suspect something is up. If I’m able to beat it out of you, and you lie, go to #2. If you tell the truth, go to #3.

The only way to win is to not lie. Honesty is the best policy.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.