throw it on the fire

July 16, 2009

Yesterday I kind of had a breakthrough. As I mentioned, I’ve been experiencing more anxiety than usual, and figuring out why was really bothering me.

But after thinking it through pretty intensely, my anxiety stems from my fear, and my fear stems from my guilt. My guilt comes from my worldview, and my worldview is kind of fucked. That’s what I’m working with… I’m redeveloping my worldview and trying to look at thing the “right” way.

But is this really correct? Who’s to say that my perspective is “wrong” or “unrealistic.” I project my emotions on to the actions of others, and subsequently develop all these little preconceived notions in my head about anything and everything.

Let’s come up with a really dramatic example, shall we? Let’s use something from earlier this year…
My sewing machine broke back in like March or something. I knew it needed to be fixed, but I wanted it for the best price because I wasn’t really in any place to, you know, practically buy a whole new sewing machine. I called a guy up on the UWS, near where I spend every Wednesday, and asked him how much the repair would be. He gave me an estimate, but said if I brought it in, he could tell me for sure. I told him I’d be there that afternoon.
Then I found someone 3 blocks away from my house who was willing to do it for $5 more. That $5 to me seemed worth it – walk 3 blocks and get it repaired and don’t buy an iced coffee for two days, or drag your 40 lb sewing machine on two subways (two LONG subways, including at least an avenue or two of underground walking)?

Uh, duh.

So I went with the guy down the street, who was really great and fixed my machine THAT DAY. Awesome.

But I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for telling this guy I was going to come by with my machine, but never did. I felt like I had lied. Like maybe he was waiting around all day for me to show up and I never did. What a letdown.

In reality, he was probably busy as hell (he had to put me on hold for a little bit when I called) and didn’t even notice I didn’t come in. But I’m the type of person that would have noticed if someone didn’t show up when they said they would and probably would have taken it personally.

This is how my brain works. This scenario applies to many other guilt-ridden aspects of my life, including dating, friendship, family, and work. I constantly overwhelm myself with guilt.

Lately, my guilt stems from a mess I seem to have fallen into, and my guilt can be directly associated with my incredibly competitive nature. When I want something, or I want to win, I will eat babies to get it. I will talk shit. I will possibly talk shit about your grandma. I will do what it takes to win no matter what.

And then when I win, or get what I want, I feel guilty. I feel horrible for things I said or how I achieved it. I’m a worse winner than I am loser. I’d much rather lose sometimes.

But what am I supposed to feel when I get exactly what I want and I didn’t fight for it? When it practically falls into my lap and I’m thrilled and excited, but at the same time I am terrified… guilty. I feel as if I got something I don’t deserve… something I didn’t work for; what makes me better than anyone else?

For the first time in a long time, I really might get something that is truly important… valid… life changing. Yeah, I’ve worked for it. Yeah, I’ve wanted it more than almost anything. But now it’s here, and I feel like I don’t deserve it when I’m being told that I do.

In my heart, I feel like the most work will come after the reward. I know it’s going to be hard, and I’m going to have to prove that I deserve this.

My self-worth has been rising as of late, slowly, but climbing. I’m beginning to realize that I am incredibly hard on myself, and maybe I do deserve the good things that I work for. This is something that seems so backwards, so foreign.

I am praying that I get exactly what I want… that it works out exactly the way it’s supposed to… a way that I don’t have to feel guilty for “winning” or responsible for it’s impact on others. I want so badly to revel in the moment and really treasure everything that’s about to change. I am so excited, and so incredibly scared.

Oof this is so complicated.

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