The Price

September 9, 2009

I seem to have lost my direction.

Anyone who has traveled with me (anywhere, this includes to the grocery store down the street) knows that I have next to no sense of direction. Even in Manhattan, where the odd avenues all go north and the even ones all go south, I couldn’t tell you what was east or west until I can see the water.

So now, not only am I a hot mess when it comes to physically finding my way, but mentally, I’ve totally trapped myself in a box. It’s not because of lack of concentration or interest, it’s that every goal, every expectation, and everything I held actual value in kind of blew up in my face. I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing.

Sure, when I got to New York last January I faced the same issue. What am I going to do? Where will my career take me? Where am I supposed to be? Am I doing this right? All I can do is ask questions and run in circles hoping I’ll catch my tail eventually. I haven’t felt this lost in a long while.

I’m lost because of the men in my life: those who I had such high expectations for and let me down, and those who are so fleeting I don’t want to count or depend on. I’m lost because of my job: am I supposed to be somewhere that doesn’t develop my skill or have promotion in the future. I’m lost because of my friends: those who recognize how trapped in my own skull I am and those who let me roll along on my merry way. I’m lost because of art, writing, and music: I haven’t done anything artistic in months and my writing has clearly fallen off the bandwagon and music, goddamnit, I can’t even listen to music without having some serious gut-wrenching reaction.

I’ve thrown myself into these little projects. Dedicated myself to “friends” I shouldn’t be giving time to. Killing time.

I lack inspiration in it’s purest form and I don’t know where to find it again. This is simply writers block that obstructs my entire worldview.

fanfuckingtastic.

So I leave you with the only song that might really say what I mean, and for that matter, it’s in another language.

Amadou & Mariam – “Sabali”
Anw na ku yé foli de yé.
Anw duya yé tolo kê yoro yé.
Anw bo kê ko yan.
Anw bo kê ko yan.
Djama!
Sabali! Sabali! Sabali yonkontê.
Sabali! Sabali! Sabali kayi.

Ni kêra môgô fê sabali yonkontê.
Ni kêra tiè fê sabali yonkontê.
Ni kêra Mousso fê Sabali yonkontê.
Wo! ouh! Wo! sabali, sabali, sabali kagni.

Cherie, je m’adresse à toi.
Avec toi, cherie la vie est belle.

Avec toi, cherie,
Ça c’est pour la vie.

Cherie, je te fais un gros bisou.
Je te fais un gros bisou.
Je t’embrasse fort.

Bye-bye!

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