Coffee. Milk. Two… Splendas.

October 7, 2009

I’m not a fan of Splenda. It scares me, actually. The idea of adding more chemicals to something that is already not so great for me ain’t the smartest move, you know? Let’s get real: I ain’t the healthiest horse in the stable. There are days where I justify a can of coke as a meal (eeeeee) or, GOD, totally hit up McDonalds (Shut up, I love reliving my childhood.) Yeah, sure, I’m filling my body with toxins, but something with a scary name like SPLENDAAAAA makes me quake in my boots. I feel like I’m voluntarily adding a packet of MSG to everything I eat. And I just used a Flavia machine. That scares me too. Flavia machine, Splenda… GOD WHAT’S NEXT? SOY MILK?!

I made a very important, yet difficult, trip to ikea the other day. I pushed through, after about 4 hours of sleep the night before, and rode the G train down to 9 Streets station. I blame myself, really, in the past where I’ve insisted on taking a car or that one time I took the B61 bus or whatever; the car costs $15 each way (if I call my main man, Gerry) and the B61 bus takes an hour and a half. Ugh. Gag me.

But this time I took the train. It took maybe 30 minutes (tops!) and then it was a short walk in the sunshine over to ikea – I even saw Heather Graham shooting a movie and DAYAMNNN she’s pretty hot in person. I went into ikea with a game plan… I had picked everything out online – measured it already – and created a shopping list that I emailed to myself, printed out, and took into the store… it already had all the warehouse information on it already, so I got to skip the maze that is the showroom and march straight back to the flat packed boxes that are far too heavy and should be considered illegal. It occurred to me that maybe I needed some book ends (the bookshelves I bought are kind of open ended and sometimes the books don’t want to stay in) so I busted through the marketplace and tried to find bookends.

Why am I always surprised when nobody in ikea knows where ANYTHING is? I spent the next 45 minutes scouring the marketplace section, and almost gave up… I decided this was my trip to ikea, and I needed to make it work, so I marched right up to the show room, found a book end on a bookshelf (it looked really good!) and asked someone where I could find it in the marketplace… After several more minutes of wandering looking for a sales associate, navigating the maze AGAIN, and getting back to home organization section, I found the book ends, all together in one section, and hated every single one. I bought six of the cheapest and figured I’d return them if they didn’t work out right – worst case scenario. I headed back to the warehouse, couldn’t find my shopping list, attempted to find it on my cell phone, and then found it tucked into the back of my shirt (?). I drove my pallet cart through the aisles, knowing EXACTLY where I was headed, found my shelves (easy) and then the drawer sets, which, surprise, weighed at least 75 lbs a piece.

I have definitely effed up my body trying to move that ish.
After a long wait in line – I definitely picked the one where the credit card reader was having an attitude problem – I called a car and went downstairs to wait for it… there was no way I was taking one of the cars already waiting down there… those punks will charge you $40 a ride… I sat out in the cold (I wore a tshirt and vest, smart move, nat) and waited for the car. 45 minutes later it arrived, slightly irritated because it was waiting for me in the bus lane (when I specifically stated I’d be at the taxi drop off) and proceeded to drop one of my drawer sets on the latch of the trunk, completely shattering several of it’s pieces. GREAT.
I promptly returned inside and stated I had purchased it without noticing it was damaged – this isn’t exactly a lie because for all I knew, it was damaged already, however, I still blame the driver. I got it exchanged, but it took another 30 minutes and by the time I escaped ikea, it was rush hour, and it took me 45 minutes to get home. Sigh. When I got back to my apartment, I had to haul everything up the flight of stairs by myself, which was just stupid. Absolutely stupid. I started dismantling some of the boxes, hoping if I took out some of the pieces, they would weigh less and be easier to carry. Even when I split the boxes in half, it was still excruciating, and I ran up the stairs trying not to pass out. After 6 or so trips, I collapsed on the floor, ripped off all my clothes, and started putting furniture together.

It occurred to me, as I sat sweating in my underwear with the fan on full blast, that I have a gift: putting together Ikea furniture. I think I should start some sort of assembly business, that for an extra $50 or something, I’ll put it together in my underwear. I think I’d need a body guard, but everybody wins, I suppose. I should ask my mom about this – she’s very business savvy sometimes 😛
Furniture assembled, I began to destroy my room… I got rid of a lot of stuff – which is always hard for me to do – and I think my room looks MUCH better. People who come see it might actually think I’m a tidy person. Little do they know…

But okay, here’s what grinds my gears: after all that hard work, and the reward of my room looking off the heeeeezyyyyy, I am incapable of moving. My back is so sore that lying down even hurts. My butt and upper thighs feel like I was kicked by a horse, several times. And my arms, holy balls… my upper arms are just laughing at me screaming “Natalie YOU JOKE YOU CANT CARRY THAT ISH” while my wrists and right in the center of the palm of my right hand (where I pressed down with my palm to get maximum pressure on the screwdriver) hurts like the dickens. My entire body hates me. A lot.
I think that’s where my entire ikea story was going – how much pain I’m in and how much I just want to go home and curl up and DIE. Thank GOD this coffee is kicking in or I’d definitely be a puddle on the floor.

There’s one more thing I want to address before I wrap this up:
This whole David Letterman thing. I like Dave, frankly, this whole “slept with an assistant” thing doesn’t really change the way I feel about him. I think the fact that everyone is up in arms about it and some people are calling for him to get fired… whatever. This ain’t the first time something like this has happened, and it certainly ain’t the last. I think everybody has got to keep in mind that it takes two to do the naked horizontal floor tango, and if he really paid for her to go to law school or whatever, everyone should be giving them both high fives and moving on. Sure, I feel bad for his wife, but I think at that time, she was only a girlfriend, and it was HELLA long ago. For all we know, they were going through a rough patch then. I give Dave props for coming clean and trying to move past it. I’m so on team Dave. Woot.


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