The Maker Makes

November 26, 2009

In an hour I leave for LaGuardia airport to fly to Indianapolis to visit family members I haven’t seen in about 5 years. My failure to maintain contact with most of them is an embarrassment, which is probably where most of my anxiety stems from. Yes, they’re family, so they’re probably love me no matter what, but a little bit of me says “you’re a bad sister/cousin/niece/granddaughter”; being “busy” for the last 5 years is really no excuse for lack of contact.

I have a headache. Luckily I’m coughing less than I was the past few days (knock on wood). I think the stress of the thought of traveling, plus working full time again and not eating enough, and possibly kissing a sick person (probably as good of an idea as kissing a turtle… ahem) contributed to a short stint of being “sick” but I think I pulled it together enough that Thanksgiving should be fairly germ free on my front.

I made myself a playlist for the airplane. Not like it matters. I’ll get on the plane, force myself to pass out, and not hear anything I’ve played. I’ll probably just turn on freelance whales and space out for several hours. Alright, that’s a stretch. I think the flight is about 2 hours, so hopefully by the time we’re up in the air, I’ll be waking up when we’re touching the ground.

I used to write wills when I flew. Seriously. I figured I’d simplify a few things for my parents if I croaked in the air. I don’t really bother anymore… it’s not like I’ve got any real assets or anyone to give them to. I still stress out when I travel, but I figure if I die on a flight, I’ve gotta trust everyone on the ground to take care of it. Sad right? Ugh, I’m so weird.

I’m killing time until I need to kill time at the gate. I think this trip is the lightest I’ve ever packed for anything. I have 3 pairs of shoes for 2 days. 3 sweaters. 3 shirts. 4 pairs of socks. 4 pairs of underwear. GOD HOW DID I DO IT? Last time I packed for 2 days (which was basically 24 hours; this is a FULL two days) I probably had 3 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, 4 shirts – MINIMUM. I’m not good at packing light, to say the least. I’m the type of person that could wear the same pair of jeans all week, but yikes, “packing light” is probably when I forget my toothbrush.

I’ve had a netflix dvd since July. I think I need to accept the fact that “Zardoz” may be impossible to finish, and I should just give up and send it back. A tiny smidge of me prays that somebody would actually want to watch it with me, but that likelihood is slim to none.

UGH I’ve still got 50 minutes until my alarm goes off. Life is SOOOOO unfair.

Alright, I’m signing off to fly. Everyone have a good holiday and if you catch the Macy’s parade, watch for a set of clowns wearing billiard ball costumes…

Advertisements

Probz

November 18, 2009

1. Megan Mulally’s “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercial.

2. The use of Discovery’s “So Insane” on So You Think You Can Dance

3. I’ve let my social circle fall apart. Some friends have just faded away… some I’ve had to cut out. Having friends that encourage bad behavior just aren’t going to cut it anymore… negative energy out. Thanks. Unfortunately, this means I am CLINGING to the people that bring positive energy into my life… and I’m terrified I will alienate them because of it.

4. I am losing my fingernails one by one because of work. (Worth it, but kind of painful.)

5. OMG Passion Pit. Who on your team gave Palm Pixie permission to use “Sleepyhead” in their commercials? You must be ROLLING IN IT right now. Congrats and BOOOOOOOOOO thats ridiculous.

6. I need an exercise program. I’d say I’m doing a pretty solid job making my diet a bit healthier, but yikes. I’m surprised people aren’t moo-ing at me right now. (I would.)

7. Above everything, I’d really love to go home for Christmas, and I even looked into booking tickets on the cheapest days to go and surprise my mom or something… and they’re still like $500. Minimum. Woof. Guess that’s not in the cards. I hope I have dope New Years plans at least. It’s the stupidest holiday ever, but there’s gotta be ONE good party out there right?

8. So tired.

Kick, Push… Coast

November 18, 2009

I have always been one to work incredibly hard to try to get what I want. It’s always the way that I’ve been, and my recent career success has proved that maybe I’m getting this right. Maybe my hard work is paying off.

I wish that I was just as ambitious in my personal life. That the people around me held me to the same value that I hold them. I often find the balance is off… in my relationships, I feel like a persistent job applicant who still keeps faxing over resumes even though they will never be hired. I feel as if I am fighting for something that isn’t there anymore. 75% of the people I consider “friends” treat me like a doormat, and unfortunately, those are the ones that are around more…

I’m feeling very ambitious lately, but while I’m succeeding in one realm, I’m failing in the other. Where do these two meet, and how do I find a place where I don’t constantly have to kick and push to make people care about me?

I suppose part of me is very sensitive because of specific happenings going on in my personal relationships. I live by the golden rule, and when others don’t follow that same formula, even slightly, it’s disheartening. I’ve lost a lot of faith in others. My career path gives me hope, but people along the way are making me feel as if it’s very lonely at the top…

An Edge

November 15, 2009

There have been quite a few things on my mind lately. Things that keep me from writing… functioning… working. Luckily, I’ve got a creative outlet – I’m finally working somewhere that brings me immense amounts of joy and really makes me feel I’m working towards my dream job. I got an internship in a puppet/costume studio, and I’m loving every second of it; I’m dedicating every spare moment and bit of energy I’ve got in me so that I can really learn what I need to and move towards what I really want.

Josh was in town all of last week. Went to the Guggenheim. Spent money we didn’t have. Ate great food. The usual. Always nice to have him back in the city. Even though we were wearing coats and scarves, it felt like we were back in summer…

Saw Fantastic Mr. Fox with my roommate yesterday. I highly recommend that everyone see it, especially in the theater if you can. It’s visually glorious (I expect nothing less from Wes) and its wonderful to see on the big screen. Adorable story. Fantastic casting. Worth my $14.00 for sure. I’d pay to see it again that’s how good it was.

My latest irk is the sudden dissolution of a past friendship. I can’t say I’m completely surprised, considering the type of person they were, but trying to be friends with an incredibly self-deprecating person, who also happens to be one of the most narcissistic people I know (don’t ask me how that works, but it does) is incredibly difficult. I feel like I really had an impact in this person’s life, so to have them suddenly rocket off in a new direction and completely forget that I exist kind of shocks me. Kind of mad about it, but on the other hand, I’m secretly kind of glad I don’t have to put up with the bullshit anymore. There was a lot of baggage that came with that friendship, and for once I’m glad I don’t have to be the constant cheerleader. I have other people who deserve my support much more.

There are a few other things on my mind that I’m not really ready to talk about on a public forum, but they really consume a lot of my thought. I called Laura last night in a bit of a personal struggle, and I realized I didn’t even expect for her to have the answers, I just needed someone to listen and tell me it was okay. It’s scary to go through the contacts on my phone and realize I’ve maybe got only 3 or 4 people I know will answer their phone and be there for me when I need it… I mean really be there, not just do it because they feel like they have to. So thanks, Laura. Thanks for being my rock last night and being there for me when I really needed it. You da best.

In other news, to all the Oregonians: Sorry, I don’t think I’m coming home this winter. At all. It’s definitely not in the budget, and while I’d love to come home and hang out and catch up, all signs are pointing to stay in New York. I’ve had a few East Coast invitations to holiday celebrations, but a certain part of me wants to sit in my apartment with chinese food and watch A Christmas Story. I’ll have myself a merry little Christmas, damnit, if it kills me. I AM looking forward to my first New Years in New York. Even though it’s my least favorite holiday (seriously, it’s the stupidest holiday I’ve ever heard of) I’m excited to see what the city has in store. If anyone wants to fly out for the festivities, you got a place to party 🙂

I’m gonna go practice my knife (xacto, weirdos) skills and wait for the Colts/Patriots game to start. Yeah, it’s gonna be the highlight of my day, and, yeah, I don’t care if it makes me a dork.

Have a wonderful week.

Rock Bottom

November 7, 2009

In a lot of ways, I’ve hit it. I’m scraping at gravel, and I’m really glad I’ve got some good friends to pull me back up. Remaining positive is a challenge, but being challenged is better than being bored.

Wow.

November 6, 2009

Q: What do you do when you’ve invested your personal time and money to something that refuses to acknowledge you exist?

A: ?

Digital Fireplace

November 6, 2009

When you’ve gone through a breakup, what do you do with your ex’s stuff? Do you give it back? Hide it from yourself? Burn it? How do you avoid constant reminders of a former life?

We’re part of a generation that is digitally fucked. Everything is copied and repeated and bounced off of satellites. It’s everywhere. Tiny little unavoidable pixels.

I can go through and detag every photo of me and my ex in existance, sure, but there still out there. How annoying. It’s like a telemarketer who just doesn’t stop calling.

Someone needs to invent a digital fireplace.

Lucky

November 3, 2009

I’m really thankful for what I’ve got. Really.

There’s just something inside me that wants more.

“I’m here for you no matter what.”
“You can come to me with anything.”
“I’ll always listen when you need somebody.”

Either everyone is a liar, or these statements are unintentionally false. Lately, I have found that it is rare that I can go to “anyone” with “anything” without feeling like I’m in it for a lecture. I am often told that I am over-reacting, or in not so many words, being absolutely out of my fucking mind, but it’s there, in the reactions and the responses.

It occurred to me that, yes, I am a high stress person, and yes, I am more anxious than I have been in the past. I don’t think anyone understands how I function (no more than I understand most people) and I’ve always felt it was unfair to put my friends in the “therapist” position. I know better, and I’ve made huge strides towards banishing that habit. I keep many more things to myself as I used to, and don’t let as many people in as close. I think the best part of it all is that nobody knows the difference.

I think I am just frustrated. I am tired, nervous, and anxious, and everyone seems to think I’m overreacting… again. I don’t think it ever occurred to anyone that maybe they’re under-reacting? That, yes, my problems aren’t your problem, so why should you begin empathize with my level of stress? There are few people I know that have experienced TRUE anxiety and know the weight that it is to carry around with you. At times it is unbearable and paralyzing, and it is a worse burden to be unacknowledged in this state. Writing it off as “over reacting” is almost insulting. Strike that, it is insulting.

I suppose these are things I needed to get off my chest and I’ll probably get the expected “I’m always here for you” comment/email/facebook message/text/twitter etc. “No seriously, I know how you feel and I’m here for you.” Please spare me. Just today. Nah, not just today. I can’t really take anyone seriously when they say that anymore.

I am a rock. I am an island.