Fake Husbands

January 28, 2010

Something I’ve noticed recently is the prevalence of fake husbands. You know, those guys you simply adore and one of you drops the “if we’re still single by the time we’re 50, let’s get married…” Fake husbands. Fake love. Fakey McFakerson.

I’ve had that conversation with many a boy. I’ve had conversations that even went as far as “When we have babies, they’re going to be overly-emotional, creative gingers.” We’ve set up a fake future for ourselves. Is this the modern version of playing house?

Maybe that’s what we’re all doing in our little cubicle apartments… we’re playing house. We are simulating what is expected of us, and one day, our fake husbands will whisk us away into marital bliss. What happiness it would provide… what security.

I’ve been fake married and fake divorced several times. In fact, I think I’m going through a divorce right now; a man who has been in and out of my life since this summer (whom I had a brief fling with) seems to have moved on… forgotten our little arrangement that would one day bring us joy and happiness and fake family dinners and fake morgages. I miss him a bit… I’m not sure if he is completely aware. He seems to be in a really similar place to where I am in my life… we were both let go by someone we cared about deeply, and now we are rushing to have that taste back in our mouths. How idyllic that we paired up for that week or two… that in that brief second we found ourselves back in that happiness and security you achieve when you really care about someone… I’m beginning to wonder if fake husbands are really just a stab at finding security, or a sign that someone might be capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.

That’s all we want, right? To love, and to be loved?

If only it were that simple.

this has got to be a joke

January 23, 2010

In this very moment, things are absolutely spectacular. Josh came out of nowhere and saved this weekend from mediocrity. I’ve been slightly ignoring my responsibilities and having the time of my life. The world seems to be on my side for just this second… oh wait, nope, things can’t be perfect. Gotta fuck something up.

I am displeased with myself. Why? You ask. Well, sit right back, and I’ll give you the deets…

I am an idiot when it comes to men. From as far back as I remember, I have picked boys that, surprisingly enough, were cool people, but in the end bad for me. All of my relationships turn toxic as I realize that I may have feelings for that person… because the feeling is not mutual.

I mentioned a few… posts back that I was interested in someone, and I thought they were interested in me. Wrong. Totally wrong. What was I thinking? I am a fool. I fall for it every time. Every little line. Every bullshit smile. I am a sucker for a boy that comes off as nice, but its really just as indecisive and unpredictable as the last one. I’m sick of meeting these people and actually starting to like them… thank goodness I have this fake wall up. Good thing I was kind of prepared for this one. Ugh.

Maybe I need to take a break from dating altogether. Maybe that’ll be good for me. All of this short term trauma is making me anxious, and frankly, I have more important things I should be focusing my time on, and I’m tired of talking to my friends about someone, only to have them disappear just as quickly as they were introduced. I’m going to have to force myself to subscribe to the idea that sex is something I can live without for awhile… that may or may not be the only thing to squash this self abuse. I have to find something better than sex.

Oh God. This is going to be harder than I thought.

The Squid

January 21, 2010

Had some breakthroughs last night. Some at therapy about that dream I had about the Squid tattoo on my arm that turned into a scar on my wrist. Gave me a lot to think about.

Had some breakthroughs about myself on the way home. Walked from 63rd to 14th. I needed the fresh air.

My roommate moved out yesterday. Last night I kept expecting to hear the front door open and him to come home. It was just the neighbor in our hallway going into his own apartment. It made me kind of sad.

Spent some good time with my friend Jackie yesterday. She just moved to the city and is having a rough time settling in… I feel for her, because I remember to vividly what my first few months here were like… you’re struggling to settle, but you’re so excited that you’re finally here. I think we found her an apartment (which isn’t too far from mine!) and I really hope she’ll be happy settling into New York life. I have absolute faith that things will work out… which I usually don’t, but if there’s something I’ve learned about New York City, or life I suppose, it’s that it only takes one thing to fall into place for the others to start clicking as well. I think it almost restores hope… gives one faith that maybe if THIS works out, the rest has a chance.

I’m gonna wake up slowly today. A lot of emotional stress yesterday and I’m a bit exhausted.

Hello?

January 19, 2010

Up at 6:30 when a loud beep caught my attention. Thought it could have been the fire detector, then I realized that we had disconnected it. There was no way… so the beep remained mysterious, and I remained… awake.

Watched some more of Gomorrah. It’s a pretty long movie, so I’m gonna break it up into a couple pieces… So far, so good, though. I’m interested.

Had a good conversation with Josh last night. He sounded like he was in pretty good spirits… I haven’t heard him laugh in awhile. It was refreshing to have that back again. He asked some questions I didn’t necessarily expect, which got me all sorts of pensive about my current situation… I’m doing what I love, but I’m making no money. I’m dating, but I feel as if I’m making so many assumptions and playing some game that isn’t really there. I’m still clenching my jaw in my sleep. Stress-related, indeed.

There’s a part of me that has been dreaming a lot lately… what I want to do, where I want to go… I’ve made all these plans – most of which I won’t be able to keep – and I’m struggling to get a grasp on what is actually possible. If the goal is financial independence, and that isn’t exactly in sight at the moment, am I actually achieving anything? Or am I just floating in purgatory? There has to be a happy medium somewhere, and I’m hoping I find it soon.

I met someone who I’m kind of interested in. He knows it, and as far as I know, he’s interested in me. I feel as if I’ve set up this big gigantic wall (with a moat) and I expect him just to leap over it, to let his guard down first and open up to me… earn my trust so I can open up to him. It’s never been that way with me… I’ve always been the one to be really open and to scrape for trust… I feel as if this situation is totally new though… I’m not used to having such a guard up, and I’m feeling insecure that by doing this I’m screwing myself over or setting myself up for disaster. Part of me really wants to open up to someone again, but I almost feel like I’m not ready for it. I’m going to keep playing it by ear and just having fun, because, I suppose, that’s how it should be, and that’s how it has been. If I’m happy, shouldn’t that be all that matters? My fear is purely a byproduct of baggage, which I need to store in the overhead compartment or under the seat in front of me until I land. The men in my life, including some of my friends, have proven that interest can go from 60 to 0 without any sort of explanation. If there is one, they’re all too weak to admit it, but I guess to a certain degree it’s what I’ve signed up for. I don’t think I can be blamed for my insecurities about that.

I’ve decided (unless I get temp work) I’m going to shut myself in my room on Thursday and Friday and really get some art done. I’ve been procrastinating, and my disinterest and lack of creative flow has really put a brake on my process. I’ve got some ideas, but making them work is going to take some commitment, which I don’t seem to be able to find anywhere these days. I need quiet. I need focus. I need stability.

It appears what I strive for is consistency, as simple as that is. Routine… not to the point where it is robotic or confining, but structure.

I think it’s time for some coffee and a shower.

Part of me wants to do so much lately. I’ve got art projects started, I’m working on and off in the studio, but my body is so exhausted. So stressed. I’ve been clenching my jaw so hard I’ve started getting headaches. I’m tired and cranky and I want a cupcake.

ch ch ch ch changes

January 16, 2010

I’m confused.

I’m going hunting.

Minor Adjustments

January 10, 2010

“Insanity can be defined as doing the same action with the same result repetitively without learning from the previous experience.”

I am insane.

I’ve been catching myself acting the same way… If I “correct” the behavior, I feel almost as if I’m playing a joke… a game. It’s not really me. It’s not who I actually am. It’s a character… something I thought I rid myself of long ago.

We’ve been over this. It isn’t the first time I’ve sat back and evaluated myself with a magnifying glass in hand. This is a behavior I have learned, yet not learned from. I haven’t figured out my developmental faults, nor do I expect myself to wake up one morning and have it all figured out. I don’t think I ever will, and it’s one of the only things I can truly accept.

I have learned a lot over the past year of living in New York. Yes, it’s been almost a year. January 17th, my father drove the uhaul through Connecticut, and I shed my skin for another fresh start. But this is it, really, everywhere I will be from now on, there will be someone that knows me. Someone that has been in touch with me during some stage in my life… they know me as someone different… someone younger, someone more foolish, someone more susceptible to fear. I am stronger than I was. I may not be smarter than I was, and i may not have learned a lot from my mistakes, but there are so many things I have grown through over the past year, it feels like I’ve been here for longer.

I feel like I’m giving tourists correct directions.
I feel like I’ve found somewhere to burrow into.
I feel like I’ve begun to figure out what went wrong.

Psychology blames it on a strict upbringing. A lifetime of critical living and exposure to conflict. Only when the fighting stopped did I begin to really step back and look at myself instead of blaming others; there was always an argument and a scapegoat. When I realized I wasn’t taking responsibility for myself, I 180’d. Now I am overly critical and take far too much responsibility, especially for other people and situations completely out of my control. This insecurity about not being there ENOUGH for someone overwhelms me, and when someone doesn’t immediately reciprocate, I fear I’ve done something wrong to push them away. I torture myself; this insecurity takes such control over my mood… I locked myself in my room today (except when I did my laundry and grocery shopping), and I didn’t answer my phone. I didn’t send any emails, and texts I kept brief. This isolation brings reflection, but it also brings on heavier waves of anxiety: when you’re completely silent, you’re supposed to hear someone call your name… what happens when nobody does?

This upcoming week is going to be incredibly overwhelming, which is probably why I’m writing my “YAY! One year in New York!” post now. Perhaps I’m not in the best mindset, but I’m certain I’m in an honest one. Year two, I welcome you with open arms. I let go the people who have exited from my life, and I embrace the ones that are just beginning to emerge. Last year, I began to recognize my habits and faults, and this year, I can begin to change them. I’ll come back swinging, but I’m going to let the dust settle before I throw any real punches.

Lost

January 9, 2010

Sometimes, just when I think I’m starting to figure them out, there’s a massive curveball.

Flashback

January 3, 2010

I was going through some old pictures, remembering how carefree we were. These pictures brought back some really happy memories. Thinking of you, friends.