Minor Adjustments

January 10, 2010

“Insanity can be defined as doing the same action with the same result repetitively without learning from the previous experience.”

I am insane.

I’ve been catching myself acting the same way… If I “correct” the behavior, I feel almost as if I’m playing a joke… a game. It’s not really me. It’s not who I actually am. It’s a character… something I thought I rid myself of long ago.

We’ve been over this. It isn’t the first time I’ve sat back and evaluated myself with a magnifying glass in hand. This is a behavior I have learned, yet not learned from. I haven’t figured out my developmental faults, nor do I expect myself to wake up one morning and have it all figured out. I don’t think I ever will, and it’s one of the only things I can truly accept.

I have learned a lot over the past year of living in New York. Yes, it’s been almost a year. January 17th, my father drove the uhaul through Connecticut, and I shed my skin for another fresh start. But this is it, really, everywhere I will be from now on, there will be someone that knows me. Someone that has been in touch with me during some stage in my life… they know me as someone different… someone younger, someone more foolish, someone more susceptible to fear. I am stronger than I was. I may not be smarter than I was, and i may not have learned a lot from my mistakes, but there are so many things I have grown through over the past year, it feels like I’ve been here for longer.

I feel like I’m giving tourists correct directions.
I feel like I’ve found somewhere to burrow into.
I feel like I’ve begun to figure out what went wrong.

Psychology blames it on a strict upbringing. A lifetime of critical living and exposure to conflict. Only when the fighting stopped did I begin to really step back and look at myself instead of blaming others; there was always an argument and a scapegoat. When I realized I wasn’t taking responsibility for myself, I 180’d. Now I am overly critical and take far too much responsibility, especially for other people and situations completely out of my control. This insecurity about not being there ENOUGH for someone overwhelms me, and when someone doesn’t immediately reciprocate, I fear I’ve done something wrong to push them away. I torture myself; this insecurity takes such control over my mood… I locked myself in my room today (except when I did my laundry and grocery shopping), and I didn’t answer my phone. I didn’t send any emails, and texts I kept brief. This isolation brings reflection, but it also brings on heavier waves of anxiety: when you’re completely silent, you’re supposed to hear someone call your name… what happens when nobody does?

This upcoming week is going to be incredibly overwhelming, which is probably why I’m writing my “YAY! One year in New York!” post now. Perhaps I’m not in the best mindset, but I’m certain I’m in an honest one. Year two, I welcome you with open arms. I let go the people who have exited from my life, and I embrace the ones that are just beginning to emerge. Last year, I began to recognize my habits and faults, and this year, I can begin to change them. I’ll come back swinging, but I’m going to let the dust settle before I throw any real punches.

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