Meow Mix, Meow Mix, Please Deliver.

February 4, 2010

The best employees are the ones that keep their mouths shut. The ones that are good that pretending that everything is fine… that they don’t hate their jobs.

I was fired once for having a “bad attitude.” It didn’t make any sense to me because I’m apparently notorious for my “life of the party” presence in an office setting. I asked what was wrong, they explained their side, and then after I spoke, it was determined a pretty big misunderstanding. It was a managerial error of sorts… I was under-managed and had over-demanding superiors, but my employment was terminated nonetheless.

It was recently suggested that this “bad attitude” actually exists; I was accused of having it again by another source. You know they say (at least by that one former fat girl on “Tough Love”): “when everybody says something about you, maybe it’s because it’s true.”

I can’t tell which part of myself to blame it on… blame it on my inability to lie about how I’m feeling, or blame it on my general dissatisfaction in life. I’ve never been good at hiding how I feel, but often I won’t speak up about it until it’s too late. I have a high expectation for life, and when it lets me down, it really lets me down. My general dissatisfaction for life has always loomed around me like some sick shadow whispering my only option is to swallow all of the pills in my medicine cabinet and wash it down with some bleach. Where was I when life always felt good? What was I doing? Who was I with? Why can’t I still have that?

I’m convinced that I’m supposed to live in some sort of New York paradise, while my imagination is consumed with the thought of apocalyptic dystopia. I am drowning in my own wanderlust; unable to be satisfied in one place.

I am 30 seconds from selling all of my personal belongings and leaving.

There is nowhere I am safe. There is nowhere I want to be. There is nowhere that brings me any sort of stationary comfort. I need someone to take the reins for a moment and stop me from the domino effect that’s about to begin. What I would like is to have my best friends back; they appear to have let all of my calls go to voicemail…

Maybe going to Boston this weekend will help. Getting out of New York may just inject some life back into me.

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