I know

March 25, 2010

There’s nothing like totally giving in to your emotions that is terrifying and liberating at the same time. I have always been an emotional person, quick to express my feelings or judgement, and rarely holding back. For a little over a week now, I’ve been making sure not to step on any cracks in the sidewalk and ignoring instinct for assumption.

Maybe this is all cryptic. Maybe this totally makes sense. Maybe I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I guess what it boils down to is that I have somehow let go of inhibition and logic to a certain degree and am flying by the seat of my pants.

I guess that’s easier with a co-pilot.



March 24, 2010

Been busy. Entertain yourself here for awhile:


Back to the Future

March 19, 2010

In an interesting turn of events, a friend from my past recently came to visit in New York City. After a 2 year absence from each other’s lives (well, we hadn’t seen each other in that long,) I was shocked as how we had grown up. How the innocent boy I used to run around in the mud with and sing silly songs with was now an adult… a 22 year old. It facinates me how we all grow up… how we ACTUALLY grow up. How time may pass, things will change, and yet, there’s a sense of familiarity.

I know more friends from my past are coming to visit in the near future… I’m intrigued to see what we’ve all become.

22 Going on 21

March 18, 2010

I’m beginning to think that I’m aging backwards. That my bad behaviors are increasing by the day… and not because they’re encouraged or enabled, but because I’ve stopped recognizing them as bad habits… they’ve become my everyday life.

My greatest issue is within myself. My own guilt. I know what I should be doing. I know what’s right. I know how to function like a mature adult, and then I’m picking up all these habits I thought I left behind. I’m nervous to let go. I’m afraid of what will happen if I just stop. I’m a little afraid to do it without holding my hand.

It’s not like I’m slitting my wrists or smoking crack in public bathrooms. It’s not like I’m stealing, abusing, or quite frankly, negatively impacting anyone’s life but my own. In fact, most of my friends haven’t even noticed anything changed… most of them say I seem happier than I have been in awhile.

It’s true, but for all the wrong reasons. I feel as if I need to get out of New York for a minute. I know the second I go, for the right reasons, I won’t be able to come back.

I’m holding back. The second I give in is the second I start sabotaging everything around me.

Common Denominator

March 15, 2010

I’m consciously addressing old habits.
I’m looking out for myself; I’m making a real effort to make my feelings a priority.
I’m curious as to where it could go.
I’m scared to death I’m getting wrapped up in something I can’t predict all that well… I’m going to lose myself to someone else… again.

I’m desperately trying to determine if I’m making the right choices for myself in this scenario, but I guess only time will tell.

I guess it’s more fun when you don’t know me .

In the Key of A

March 9, 2010

Lillian watched breathlessly as he jumped from record to record. Seamlessly. Effortlessly. Magically. He was practically dancing.
“Hot damn that guy knows how to work those turntables.”
“I’d let him work me anytime.” Jen laughed shifted her weight to the music.
“Touche. Nothing like a man who knows how to work his instrument.” Lillian’s laugh was only met with a confused glare.
“Goddamnit, they’re turntables. Not a fucking xylophone.”
“It’s harder than it looks.” Lillian replied.
“No, really. He’s really good.”
“Oh, come on. It’s not rocket science.” Jen clucked.
“Yeah, but it’s not crossing the street either.” Lillian raised her eyebrows. “Have you ever had really bad sex?”
“No. I’m the luckiest woman alive.” Jen’s comment was drenched in sarcasm.
“Well think of it this way: bad sex is like a bad DJ. It’s terrible and you want to forget it, but his Miley Cyrus’s ‘Party in the USA’ and Grizzly Bear mashup will haunt you for weeks. You’ll tell your friends about it.”
“Go on…”
“Good sex is like a great DJ. They usually come out of nowhere – completely unexpected – for the most part, it’s completely random, and just like… WHAM BAM! WANNA WALK IT OUT TO MY LIL WAYNE, DRAKE, AND ROY AYERS REMIX I’VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR WEEKS?” Lillian had raised her voice and bargoers peered around the room for the source.
“You’re saying they practice?” Jen seemed honestly confused.
“Well they practice scratching or whatever, sure.”
“So what are you saying?”
“Some people just have a gift.” Lillian paused and smiled.
“Oh. For a second there I thought you were saying that good DJs equal good sex.”
“Oh they do.”
“Really?” Jen seemed to perk up as James Brown started to play. Lillian looked over toward the booth; eyes closed and smiling, he took a long pull on his beer and nodded his head to the music. Lillian scratched the back of her neck and winced at the reminder of her vinyl chasing days. It felt like yesterday because it was yesterday. It was today, too. These late drunk nights of going out with insatiable, twenty-something men, grasping at some dream of the perfect married-hipster lifestyle. Babies wearing high tops, wine and cheese and dinner parties with friends, and slow dancing in the living room amongst the framed flea market finds, ikea shelves, exposed brick, and antique armchairs.
“I guess you’ll just have to find out for yourself.” Lillian took a sip of her cocktail, perched on a barstool, and waited for the next track to begin…


March 7, 2010

Freaking out. A little bit.

The things going back and forth in my brain are shooting a million times a minute. There’s people. There’s places. There’s things. God there’s so many feelings bouncing around in this cave. I’ve got a friend, listening and trying to reassure me that things are same as always. same as always. i’ve still got a ghost of a hand on the small of my back. fingernails on the back of my neck.

i feel horrible about so many things. i’m told it’s because i care too much about everyone’s problems. i’m told i’ll make a good mother. I think I’m a failure at both.

I think I’ve made some bad choices and it’s time to step back.


March 2, 2010

Starting this Friday, I am doing everything in my power to save every single penny I get my fingers on until Coachella.

I just need to put that out into the universe so I feel guity when I don’t do it.