Twenty Four

November 30, 2010

There’s just something amazing about sleeping in the same bed as someone else. You don’t really miss it when it’s not there, but when it is, it’s an insanely comforting feeling. A comfort that really helps me through the day right now.

I should get a dog.


See You in my Nightmares

November 29, 2010

I’m flabbergasted, to say the least.

Moving has completely taken over my life. I’m kind of in a stalemate until I find the apartment. I’ve seen many a room, many a place, but nothing has fit quite right yet. Had some really serious offers and even had the checkbook out and ready to go, but a lot of bad experiences have now kept me from pulling the trigger in a few instances, but I’m kind of just living in this mindset that every passing moment is another opportunity to change things. Wintertime, and the livin ain’t easy.

Some thoughts:

It strikes me as so odd that the people in my life I love the most are those who tell me the truth no matter what, without judgement. I firmly believe there’s a line between not enabling someone with the truth, and encouraging someone with honesty. Pick a side.

What’s the deal with people constantly referencing past relationships as if they’re still the most important thing in their life? I’m one who has been in some serious long term fucked up situations, and you don’t see me name dropping them every other day. Is it because I’ve gotten closure? Is that what happens? When people don’t have closure, they constantly reference dead relationships? Ugh. I remember those days where I couldn’t stop thinking of the person and just couldn’t move on… I can’t imagine STILL living like that and dwelling on it. It’s consuming.

I guess being single for as long as I have now (3 years and counting… I think? WHO CARES) doesn’t make me crave another long term relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of the people in my life are talking about settling down and planning their futures and I’m just trying to figure out what I’m having for lunch today, let alone how many children I’m going to have and where we’re going to get married. I don’t need someone fussing over me every second right now. Sure, the attention is nice, but God help the person that spoils me with attention until I get used to it. That’s a dangerous path, my friend.

Oddly enough this is the first time in my life I’ve truly felt this way. Maybe it’s because I drool at the thought of privacy and get totally high off of spending hours by myself practicing my single person behaviors. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to be in a serious relationship again, but I’m really going to miss working on a painting/art project all day or eating Nutella out of the jar in my underwear while watching Battlestar Galactica until I pass out. (I guess if you’re a dude and that appeals to you, CALL ME.)

Had a dream nightmare last night about hosting a huge house party being thrown and me stuck in the middle of it somewhere. I couldn’t leave, and for some reason I was looking at furniture in the basement, all while simultaneously trying to direct a play in a nearby warehouse, while everyone was doing MOUNTAINS of coke upstairs. For some reason I did some (IN THE DREAM FOLKS. Yeah, and I’m pretty sure people were licking it off the table, so clearly I’m not sure how that all works), and then had a panic attack because I had to go to work the next morning (talk about NIGHTMARES.) So just in case I don’t feel overwhelmed IRL, there’s always my dreams to stress me the fuck out.

Dorm Violation

November 21, 2010

I’m distracting myself. Keeping busy. Watching stars and dreaming about my future apartment, as I almost threw down a deposit tonight. Definitely headed in the right direction I hope, if not, I just hung out with the randomest stranger for over an hour. Talk about great first-hetero-date.

I started looking up my horoscopes thinking it would make me feel better. Cause you know, horoscopes are like Death Cab for Cutie lyrics – they’re relatable somehow. Every single fucking word.

Horoscope lookup one:
“Pore over the tiny details — it’s far too easy for your family or colleagues to gloss over them, and you want to make sure that nobody has to go back and redo anything for any reason.”
Spell check yourself, horoscope. And if I listened to you on this one, I’d be more fucked than I am right now (dont ask.)

You are contentious, argumentative, and impatient now. Disagreements erupt because you aren’t willing to overlook minor irritations as readily as usual. Confrontations with others may be fruitful if you don’t allow your anger to get out of control. You are highly competitive at this time.
In my confrontational moments recently, I think I’ve kept my anger in check. Luckily CBH is definitely helping me communicate better, so I try to stick to just the facts… emotional v rational. Remaining rational is keeping me on point right now.

Your confidence is increased today with the earthy Taurus Full Moon in your 9th House of Big Ideas. You are very certain that your solution is a good one, yet your feelings can still distract you from what you need to do. Allowing your mind to wander could turn your accurate observations and increased stamina into irrationality and laziness. It’s not wise to take on too much; instead, be smart and work small changes into your daily routine.
I’ve been working too many big changes into my plans… maybe because I did let my emotions dictate them. However, isn’t that the point? A wise man once said to me: “If you’re unhappy, change something.” So I did. My mother’s mantra was always “You are the only one who can make yourself happy.” And I’ve been really unhappy. So I’m making a change.

I can’t stay up too late tonight, guess why?


So okay, I’m trying to keep getting as many hours in my day as humanly possible, cause there are definitely never enough seconds, minutes, hours, etc. There aren’t even enough days in my week to get to everything I want to do these days. I’m accidentally double booking. I think I need to start carrying around a moleskin calendar and say fuck this google calendar situation. It’s sync-y-ness kind of blows.

Anywho, 8am dentist. 9-5 work. 5:30pm conference call (OH YEAH AFTER HOURS). 7pm apartment viewing. and post it all = josh time. Yep. It’s that time of the year. It’s Josh time.

My sleepytime situation is starting to kick in. By situation I mean induced sleep. I know this because my fingers are getting lazier. Seacrest, OUT.

I casually check PostSecret on Sundays (if I remember…) and this morning this little gem appeared:

This is no bueno.

This postcard disgusts me for many reasons. The first obvious one being that some mother ignored her kid long enough to put this card together and send it in. That’s just straight up passive aggressive behavior towards a missing father, and it’s not cute. (Lately there appears to be a bit of a discrepancy as to what qualifies, but take note, THIS is what passive aggressive behavior looks like.) It’s disturbing to think someone is a) so angry that if the father of their child was a movie star, that they wouldn’t have the balls to say something about it… if you’re so fucking mad, go after the guy.

But something tells me this card is a cruel lie. And the fact this post card exists proves that to me. Why the mother didn’t go after whoever the father is makes me think he’s not. She’s just starting some lovely flashy rumor. Thanks for feeding that fire, PostSecret. Way to post the world’s REAL secrets. Something tells me an intern picked this one.

I barf in my mouth at you, PostSecret.

(It better not be Ron Fucking Weasley. Or Alan Rickman. Goddamnit.)

Eggo my Leggo

November 17, 2010

I’m all sorts of broken today. In a good way I think.

Last night, went to yoga and showed up 30 minutes early like a boss. I think I was delirious by the end of the day cause I definitely knew the class was from 6:30-8.

Then I broke myself in class. When I arrived, my knee was a bit sore. When I left my hip was fucked and my knee was laughing at me. I think my instructor could tell… my body was stiff, my shoulders were tight up to my ears (she kept saying “roll your shoulders back and relax!” to the entire class but it was definitely to me.) She would come over and push me deeper into my stretch, but honestly, I’m pretty good at yoga, this was a basics class, and there was definitely some cooperation issues coming from my body. During the meditation, I heard her going around the room and using some essential oils on some of the students… I could smell it from across the room. She came over to me and did this amazing shoulders-back of the neck-temples-eyebrows thing with the oil and I felt myself sink further into the floor… I realized I was the last person she’d touched, and there were still about 10 more students in the room; I think she only did it to those of us who looked like we were having a pretty miserable day.

I then RAN home, changed, fixed my face (as the mascara had begun to creep down my face… OH GRAVITY!) then I ran back out to meet my darling John for dinner at Bozu. I hadn’t been to Bozu for the longest time, and while I knew it would rape my wallet, I gave in and decided I deserved it. Doing something for me. Suck it, world. I was running about 10 minutes late, which is such a faux pas for me, but John had a beer and a carafe of sake ready and waiting. It was so great to see him… it had been too long. I ordered some bombs (NOT sake bombs, but the specialty sushi they have there), which I hadn’t had in forever… a croquette or two, and taught John that edamame was in fact not sugar snap peas, but soybeans. Don’t eat the shell darling 😉 It was pretty great to catch up with him. He’s always been a wonderful friend. We made plans to play rock band in the very near future.

After getting drunker than we should, drinking beer out of oversized syrafoam cups (yep, introduced to a dive bar in willy that does it…) We encountered the engima that is the williamsburg white trash (they weren’t even bros, they were like people I’d run into in podunk Oregon) who had taken over the jukebox with the most insane 90s music. We walked in and they were playing “Freshman” and the entire bar was screaming along with it FORRRRRRRR THE LIFE OF MEEE… by the time we got to Hootie and the Blowfish, John and I were having difficulty playing the straight face game, so it was time for me to sing along and prove I knew every word. Miss you Hootie… and your blowfish.

Today is looking up. I discovered that disney-produced documentary, babies, about those 4 babies all over the world, is now on Netflix watch instantly. I don’t want to jinx it, but we might be on our way to some personal sunshine.

Storm before the Calm

November 16, 2010

This week has been kind of a rollercoaster. Besides trying to manage a fairly hectic social schedule, I’m trying to get my job in order, my flights home for xmas (now up to $600. eff.), and some of my personal life, which seems to be constantly in various forms of disarray. I’m pulling together all the seams, but I feel like I’ve blanket-stitched it. Anyone who knows anything about sewing knows that shit can’t exactly tighten once it’s on there.

I’m really excited to go to my friend Alida’s for thanksgiving. She’s one of those friends that I ALWAYS have a good time with and has got my back no matter what… I’m fairly certain she’d throw a punch at someone who wronged me, or any girl on her team for that matter. She reads my mind sometimes. I’m really excited about turning on the soundtrack to Rize and krumping around in a tryptophan coma. Yes. That happens.

I have been dating. I’m trying to laugh about it… I developed a little crush on a guy I hung out with recently. Thought I played my cards right, but I guess not, as he hasn’t initiated any conversation in awhile. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Then I realize, it’s not about the attention, or needing to be with someone constantly – I actually LOVE being alone – but I had a genuinely good time with this guy, and I thought he had a pretty great time with me. My coworker said that dudes hold out (he’s a dude btw) because they want to make sure you’re busy and not needy. Well I’ve proven myself to be not needy, but seriously, this dude has waited long enough, and I’ve lost interest. Way to go, playa idiot. I’ll probably just wander back to the default guy of the moment, that peaced for an inexplicable amount of time, only to return without announcement. I don’t get it. This lack of interest is somewhat irritating and illogical. I’m just waiting for one of them to call me a month from now and me getting to the play the “meh, who are you?” card (not exactly in those words.) I’m no good at games. Never have been, never will be.

About that being alone bit… I really love it. I really love being with someone, but I also LOVE running wild on my own. I don’t need a man to be happy. I really don’t. I’ve learned to love the time by myself. Sure, it’s been almost 3-4 years since I’ve had a serious boyfriend, but it’s not like I’m broadcasting it, or even doing the “Oh, well my exboyfriend…” dance anymore. I’m kind of over it. Why dwell on some guy from the past that REALLY didn’t work out? Because, I’m a new tadpole in this toxic sludge that is New York City, and goddamnit, I’m looking for my mutant. The way I see it, if he’s out there, he’ll find me. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard.

In the meantime, at least dating is keeping me… hm… whats the most tactful way to say it? Satisfied? (Sorry, Mom.)

Hitting it on the Nose

November 14, 2010

Someone in my building offered me their queen size bedframe out of storage which is amazing. I hope it works out.

I’ve had to take a few breaks from writing as work has been insanely stressful, and I’ve been sick, which means I’ve been going to bed by 8; this means I’ve also lost writing time as I do my best writing past the hour of 10 (generally. just a secret: i usually write at night, and it gets posted the next day. BLAMMO!) I’ve also just finished watching Battlestar Galactica, so I’m definitely feeling a little bit better after crossing stuff off my list. But that’s totally a great task for a sick person.

Also had a lot on my mind. Nothing that I can really write about… the words just don’t come. It’s like I’ve got colors and feelings and images, but no words. Just… blah. Everything will have it’s moment in the spotlight. I feel like that moment for my thoughts and feelings will be there soon.

I wish I could take more time off at Christmas. It’s kind of upsetting, really. On the one hand, I’m worried I won’t have enough time to see everyone I want to see while I’m home… on the other hand, there’s only a few of them, and everyone is going to be busy with their own families. I’m also worried spending too much time at home will make me move back there… I’m not ready for the move back to Oregon. I’m saving that for when there’s babies involved. When I’m looking for my nest. I know it’s in a tree somewhere in Oregon.

Working on figuring what my next move is. Literally and figuratively. Keeping my head in check and my feelings out of it (to be honest.) Most of my functions now are robotic and direct, although I’m finding they don’t always come off that way. I’m just trying to get through the days at this point… ignoring instincts, and giving in to process.

Once Upon a Time

November 9, 2010

Someone I once truly loved is getting married, and I’m feeling so happy for them. I’m not sure why, because typically I am incredibly defensive of the people I care about. Oddly enough, I think this is the first time I can say “I’m genuinely happy for him” and mean it. Refreshing almost… the other part of me really misses him.

Ginger Ale and Toast

November 8, 2010

If the title is any indication of how I’m feeling, yep, I’m sick. Officially my first cold/respiratory infection of the fall. I get respiratory infections like it’s my job… maybe 2 or 3 a year, often completely out of the blue, and totally miserable. I had a really bad one last year when I suddenly developed allergies and thought I had the flu for a month. I got my flu shot this year, but that certainly won’t protect me against everything else. Waheffingwah.

So it’s only day 2 of feeling remotely shitty and I’m coughing up green and wishing I had taken my vitamins over the weekend. My throat feels as if I’ve swallowed a piece of sandpaper, barfed it back up, and then swallowed it again. My brain feels like the static on a television. I didn’t sleep well, as I kept choking in my sleep and waking up. I woke up at 6:30ish, and ended up watching Battlestar Galactica (don’t hate) until my alarm clock went off. (Season 4 is definitely as disappointing as everyone has advised so far…) My arms feel like rubber, my short term memory sucks more than it usually does, and my CBT therapist almost sent me home without charge. I’m kind of floating through the day, and I keep getting confused, as my phone clock says “3:00” when it is really “2:00.” NO BUENO.

Treated myself to quesadilla from the cafe downstairs. Expensive, but delicious as always. But I wish I could have slipped some syzurp into this ginger ale I’ve been nursing. I’ve got a date with a box of tissues, my bed, and quite possibly Nyquil. I’m beginning to wonder if I can get a penicillin IV.

It’s funny, sometimes I actually like sick days, even though I feel like total crap. I cancelled on my plans this evening, which is unfortunate because I was really looking forward to going to trivia tonight. Then Jase invited me to a play tonight, and I know I couldn’t sit through it without falling asleep in my neighbor’s lap or unwrapping cough drops the entire time. This cold/infection is definitely enough to stay in bed, but I gotta pull my weight at work… Back to bed in t-minus 3.5 hours…

So, it’s cold.

November 6, 2010

So it’s getting cold around these parts. Its coat and scarf weather again and I couldn’t be happier. I just had to turn my heater on for the first time this season. It blew out cold air for about 3 minutes, and then switched to unbearable heat… reminded me of seeing my sister in her bedroom sitting directly in front of her heater, while it pumped out that toaster-like air for minutes on end. That chick loves her heat. And then again, our beloved cat, Extra, always preferred her room to mine anyway… probably because of the conveniently located fleece bean bag chair directly in front of the toaster heater.

Thank the stars it’s finally fall and I don’t have to pay the extra $.50 to have my coffee iced. I’d rather be chilly than sweating, but oddly enough my office still can’t seem to get the temperature right and I’m still icing anyway. In CBT, I’ve been advised to hold ice cubes in my hands to de-stress, but that actually sounds like not a lot of fun. I might try it, but I like having feeling in my palms. I’m willing to give it up when it carpal tunnel syndrome time… so like 2 years at this rate, right?

Weather likes this makes me really miss the West Coast… when my dad was out here we had a good laugh about the changing trees, which has always been a joke in our family ever since someone tried to describe the changing leaves as something that only happened out east. While I’ve seen some pretty beautiful changing forests upstate (I mean sure, that’s a lot of fuckin pretty trees in one place,) I have yet to find a place where I can collect said fallen leaves and jump in them without fear of hypodermic needles or broken glass. Ah, suburban luxuries.