A Complete Stranger

November 2, 2010

Let me tell you a story. A short one. So don’t get your hopes up.

I date. I internet date. And sometimes when I’m really miserable I do it a lot to distract myself. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Don’t hate me yet, cause you’ve only got half the deets. My most recent hooplah was this guy we’ll call James, cause that’s generic enough, and that will make it even harder to find him. We’re not even friends on facebook, so good luck figuring out who he is, fuckers!

I dated James for a few weeks. Somewhere between 2 and 4. Not enough to qualify him beyond “dating,” but at times he seemed generally concerned with my wellbeing (like when I left New York for 2 weeks) and also told me how hot I was. A lot. (I have difficulty believing a lot of people when they say that, but he was pretty fucking convincing. I shouldn’t spill into details why, just know I was a tamale for a second.) Anywho, he was cool, we had fun, things seemed to be… well… datey.

I held out a little bit. I thought I played my cards right, and then IMMEDIATELY after I slept with him (hows that for full discretion, folks?) he texted me about his job interview (it apparently went well) and then I never heard from him again. Not even after I texted him to see how the second and third interviews went. Just as quickly as he was there, he got the goods, and bounced.

I was confused to say the least. I thought this shit only happened in movies: girl dates guy, girl finally puts out, guy never speaks to girl again. I thought that was some sort of crazy sex and the city urban legend. Apparently not. Dudes apparently do this in real life. *cue David After Dentist scream: IS THIS REAL LIFE?!!!*

Yes. Yes indeed.

So I was a bit puzzled, but wrote it off to the fact that “he was busy” or “I was busy” and after awhile I just stopped caring. That doesn’t usually happen to me. I’m often too invested, too emotional, and too caught up in whatever the fuck was going on with us. With this guy, I accepted the fact that, yes, I may have just been played.

But then James surprised me.

For those of you that know me personally, you know that my Blackberry recently got amnesia (FROM A SOFTWARE UPDATE WTF) and said goodbye to all of my contacts, so I sent out a mass email asking everyone for their contact info again. I included James in this list (along with a few other dudes I maybe dated once upon a time) and thats when I got this email*:

(*cleaned up for content and, well, my own sake. I don’t want you to know ALL of the awesome things he wrote about me.)

Hey yo,
Sorry I didn’t write you back or call you in awhile.

no shit.

I’ve been really seriously thinking about what I should do with this situation. I decided that ignoring you wasn’t how I’d like to be treated so I’m not going to do that to you.


Here is the deal. I just got out of a 5 year relationship about 10 weeks ago.


I haven’t dated in a super long time… I met you and a couple other girls and honestly I’m just not ready for anything serious. I hung out with you the longest but… I just think I need to be single for awhile. You are a fun person and I hope I’m not hurting your feelings. I just can’t date any girl right now because I constantly compare everything to my ex.

ew. – 20.

You aren’t her, and that’s a great thing!

alllllright. +20. You’ve zeroed out.

I usually date hipster girls that are super pretentious and hanging out with you was so much more chill than that…You are the only person I’ve every talked to about Dr. Who for example….not even my ex knew about that.

NERDS RULE THE WORRRRRLD. I have NO shame. In fact, I’m fairly certain that it scared the bejesus out of him after he suggested I watch it, and then it became my crack. (It is a really good show. Really.)

But all that said, I just can’t keep hanging out because I’m not there yet.

“I mean, I hope you feel the same way I do? No offense but I was super pushing myself into a… dating thing because I was angry about being dumped. I hope you aren’t mad at me. If you ever want to hang out, then feel free, I just can’t do the dating right now……I decided I need to only focus on getting a full time job. Once I make that happen….then maybe I’ll try the dating scene… if we see each other I hope you say hi. Nothing to be awkward about. talk to you later”


Some of you may think it might be a bit of an overshare/abuse of trust to share this letter. Fine. Be that way. (I did edit and tidy and change his name so suck it.) But I put it here for a very good reason: This honest, succinct, glorious epic of an email was enough for me to sleep at night after feeling as if I had gotten the ol heave-ho without any reason. The “hump and dump” was unforeseen, and frankly, slightly offensive, but this email was quite possibly the most genuine, fair break-off email I’d ever received. I posted it in hopes that maybe girls wouldn’t give up hopes, and goddamnit, maybe some guys would get a clue and jump on the honesty bandwagon.

I emailed him back and told him I appreciated him being forthcoming and said if he ever needed to talk about Doctor Who, that my inner-nerd would be around. It occurred to me that I’d never been given the courtesy of having a boy be honest with me like that… I’ve always had to beat a “lets just be friends” out of them. Sure, it was a slight letdown, considering (like most girls) after we slept together I had delusions of grandeur of our future children and white picket fences (girls that say they dont are LYING; TAKE NOTE DUDES) but what he wrote was pure… kind is a weird word to use, but it’s true. He cared enough to be honest, which is something I don’t think any guy I’ve EVER dated had the decency to do.

So in conclusion, thank you, “James.” Although you played into the stereotype of every guy I am scared to date, you handled your exit with such grace that I can’t help but have more respect you than any of the boyfriends I’ve ever had.



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