Push You Down A Well

December 21, 2010

Just moved. Loving every second of it. My own little private nook in the heart of Williamsburg… I’m back in the part of the neighborhood that I lived in for almost 2 years and learned to love so very much. Went to the deli and the guy behind the bar that used to make my bagel sandwiches recognized me immediately. It was the sweetest homecoming. Haven’t been to my bodega yet to visit Mr. Pennies, my favorite bodega worker who would always tell me how much I owed in pennies… I would usually take me a minute to figure it out, especially nights when I would buy two 40s, a roll of toilet paper, some corn nuts, and a frozen twix bar. “Gonna be a good night, huh baby?” Love him.

I can’t believe I’d only been away for 4 months. It feels like so much has changed since I’ve been gone, when in reality only the facades have shifted and the weather moved towards nasty. At least I remember the spots on the sidewalk that I was always afraid of slipping on and breaking my neck. I remember where to stand in the subway station to get on at the right end of the train to make my transfer shorter.

I love my new place. It’s like having a studio without all of the responsibility to myself. It’s a loft, shared with 3-4 other rooms. (So far I only have 3 other roommates, one of them being my “landlord,” who isn’t actually my landlord I think but just runs shop.) They’re all bonafide hipsters, aka, people I wish I could be but can’t. I mean that in all seriousness. These are people who can live off their art and doing what they love all while wearing their very expensive skinny jeans and not giving a shit if they’re late to work. “Landlord” is a sculptor (who I helped install a 7×5 N*SYNC over-retouched cutout on the wall that he found in someone’s old room. It’s breathtaking.) The guy that lives around the corner I scared the shit out of the first night I was in the place (I knocked and stood outside his door, but he didn’t hear me, and walked out the door and right into me. I’m terrifying, apparently.) but he was so kind and welcoming. He’s an artist, and yesterday I thought there was a gas leak and it was actually just the paint he was using. Other roommate, I’m not entirely sure what he does, and there’s a rumor that a “swedish surfer chick” is moving in, which should be a nice addition to the mix.

I think loft living is the shit. I think I’ve been missing out on what could have possibly been one of the dopest living situations I’ve never known about. Artist awesome dude said it best: “It’s like having roommates that you don’t have to ever see if you don’t want to.” And it’s true. I can hide out in my livingroom/bedroom nook all damn day, or just walk about 10 steps to the kitchen or bathroom and never have to cross paths. Or I can leave my door open and welcome those silly kids in. They’re boggled by the amount of “stuff” that I have, but who fucking isn’t these days. I get it, I’ve got a lot of stuff. What nobody realizes is that most of it has a spot, and because of my photographic memory, I know where 90% of it is at all times. So suck it.

I think I’m also the only chick in the building who’s gonna be rocking a big TV and a wii. So suck it. I love living alone so much, and i feel like this new situation offers me all of the benefits of that PLUS the benefits of having roommates, which are some crazy people around to get a little drunk with before you go out or share some crazy story without judgement. I don’t have to know anything about them except that they’re fun. We don’t even have to be facebook friends. I kind of love it times a million so far.

Savor these words. I hope I’m not singing a different tune in a few months (the only tune I think I’ll be singing is “GODDAMNIT IM POOOOOORRRR” but I’m hoping it’s worth it.)

Going out for drinks with someone tonight that I haven’t seen in a long time. I’ve mentioned him here before, but at this point, I’ll leave him as a mystery as I don’t think I want to potentially fuck up an a-okay situation. This potential makes me wish I knew where my hair dryer was. Fuuuuuck. This blows. Hah. Look at me go.

Might have a commissioned art project in the works. Gonna work on getting that dress form and making my house into a home. Life is good at the moment. I’m just gonna savor every goddamn second.

GOING HOME TOMORROW AND WILL PROBABLY NOT WRITE FOR MANY DAYS. TOO BAD. ENJOY YOUR VACATIONNN

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I’m no fashionista. Believe it. I’m lucky if I can roll out of bed and put on a shirt and pair of jeans that doesn’t look identical to the previous day’s outfit. Most of my shoes are falling apart at the seams, and I regularly don’t wear matching socks. However, there are a few rules I stick to, and now I’m going to rub them in your face.

5 Things You Should Totally Not Be Wearing:

1. Boat Shoes. How fucking inappropriate are these? Do you have a boat? Have you been on a boat in the last 6 months? Are you wearing a nautical themed scarf and you’re going to a costume party with your friend T-Pain? Are you my Dad? Otherwise, you should not be wearing these.

2. Fedoras. Remember when Justin Timberlake made them cool? Yeah, that was like 10 years ago. Seriously. Also, dudes that wear fedoras are those sports coat trashbags at the lounge where you once accidentally stumbled across bottle service through some promoter you knew from college. Those straw ones are just as bad, even if you’re chilling in the Hamptons, which is basically just a super rich Jersey Shore, as it turns out; you get a house, you have a shit ton of your REALLY REALLY AWESOME FRIENDS come stay with you (generally people you’ve known for your entire life), you get shitfaced all day and lie out in the sun, and then you take an overpriced cab ride to some club. Whoopieeee.
I also saw way too many of these hats when I went to Coachella, and I feel like they actually provide no source of sun protection; if they sell them at Claires, it’s time for a new style.

3. Corduroys. I’m sorry, but it’s kind of true. When was the last time you bought a pair that you wear as much as your other pants? When you were in 5th grade? Yep. Probably. Save your money. They really don’t look good with much of anything besides a sweater, and wearing them in your family’s holiday photo automatically puts them out of the running for any other function.

4. Leggings. This includes Jeggings, you idiots. Leggings are reserved for lounging, working out, short runs to the grocery store (because wearing sweatpants in public are worse) or fighting crime. Those sparkley crazy shiny ones from American Apparel are reserved for drag queens and nights you go out with your drag queens. You are an adult and these are no longer appropriate. Also, if you wear them with uggs for more than 15 minutes, you will be shot on site.

4a. Uggs are strictly for in-home, cold commute, and short distance use. If you are ever caught wearing uggs to a party, I hope you are beaten with wizard sticks. I will be the first to admit I have worn my uggs/leggings combo on a day or two, but only to run to the bodega for easy mac or something that doesn’t require cooking or to my yoga class. You won’t even catch me wearing uggs on my commute because I feel like thats disrespectful to everyone else on the train.

5. Sweater Vests. Even the one you bought for your Frat’s country club themed party. If you really want a sweater vest, I suggest buying a real sweater and tearing the sleeves off cause you will look way more hardcore. A sweater vest legitimately looks like you got confused while you were getting dressed and couldn’t decide if your office was going to be hot or cold that day. The only situation where you’re allowed to wear a sweater vest is if you work for someone so awesome (like legitimately you need to work for Kanye or Diddy or Fonzworth Bentley) and with a bow tie. Sweatervests must be paired with bow ties or you’re wasting your time.

Glad I could help.

I’m at a bit of a loss for words today. I know I say that a lot. So Cee-Lo/Band of Horses will speak on my behalf.

“No Ones Ever Gonna Love You”

It’s looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We’re reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing’s tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It’s tumbling down
Hard.

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you’d be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one’s gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing’s tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It’s tumbling down
Hard

Cutting out the Fat

December 13, 2010

So you’re wishing that you never did
All the embarrassing things you’ve done
And you’re wishing you could set it right
And you’re wishing you could stay the night
But then I go again, wishing never solved a problem
If you wanna get it big time, go ahead and get it get it big time

So I think I can solve all my problems by myself
Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind
And you think you can solve all your problems by yourself
Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind

Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can’t give no more
Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can’t give no more

Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can’t give no more
Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can’t give no more

Yeasayer – “Tightrope”

where are we going

December 9, 2010

It’s fascinating to judge someone else’s romantic situation. I can barely fucking keep track of my own. I’m trying my best not to judge others lately… been learning a bit in CBT about how easily people judge people and don’t even realize it (eg: some fucktard slams into you on the subway and your instinct is “WHAT A FUCKTARD. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING SPACE.” when in reality we’re all trapped on the subway like sardines and maybe it was an accident… i know, its SHOCKING.)

So judgement, yes. I am doing my best not to do it. It’s making me a far calmer person, but it’s giving me a really shit time when people do LEGITIMATELY stupid things and I keep my mouth shut about it. My new official stance is to judge based on facts, and not enable or discourage the behavior of others. For example, if you introduce yourself to me at a party, and you make out with three different people in front of me, I’m not going to judge you for being a whore. Sure, you’ve put the facts in front of me – If I’m seeing you do it, its undeniable – but for reals, if you’re not making out with my boyfriend/fling/friend/whatever, then it’s really not my problem. Go catch whatever STDs make you happy and just don’t use my chapstick, thanks.

There are still little things that I slightly judge. I’m catching myself do it. I’m learning from this mistake. Probably the hardest part is keeping my mouth shut. For example:
Friend: Hey my exboyfriend called and he wants me to come over tonight.
Me: Oh.
Friend: Yeah, I don’t know how I totally feel about it because he has a girlfriend right now.
Me: Well that’s a tough call.
Friend: Yeah. I think I might do it anyway. I feel kind of like a slut.

That’s when I kind of just tune Friend out. “Old Natalie” would have generally said something like “thats probably a really bad idea” or “youre a whorebag and thats a really terrible decision on both your parts,” but you know what, it’s NOT my problem. In fact, go fuck your exboyfriend and make a mess of things. I just really don’t want to hear you weeping about it later when he doesn’t come running back to you and you start getting nasty text messages from a number you don’t know. I want NOTHING to do with your drama. And as your friend, if thats what you consider me to be considering you’re sharing a lot of horrible-sounding personal information, aren’t you really just asking me for validation of your bad behavior?

It comes off as not caring, sure. But I see it as not enabling. Call it mean, but after a certain point, I’m not your mother, I’m not your best friend – and if it was I WOULD tell you what was on my mind, because something I am CONSTANTLY praised on for the people who know me is my unabashed honesty. That’s “Old Natalie”. She’s definitely still there, and she comes out for the people that love her for what she is… I’m gonna tell you like it is, whether you like it or not. And the people who love me, and who I love, take it with a grain of salt, have a great laugh at someone else’s expense, and then probably make better decisions because of it. I’m like a modern day Motherfucking Theresa. (sorry is that offensive? hmm. too bad. sowwy.)

So basically, if you’re trying to get me to validate your lifestyle, and it seems like I don’t give a shit, I probably don’t. Grow a pair and resort to your shitty friends that will lie to you about your nasty behavior.

The Day John Lennon Died

December 8, 2010

I’m in a real nasty mood today. For a number of reasons. Partially because I’m not sleeping well enough. Partially because everything on planet earth seems to piss the hell out of me (no, its not PMS, assholes), and partially because i feel like I’m being tested every 45 seconds. I’m exhausted, and have no interest in making anything better for anyone at the moment. You got a problem? Suck it. I don’t really give a shit. I want to leave work today I’m so exhausted… more annoyed. I wish I could just take the rest of the week off… I feel like I’m a bit overdue for a personal day.

Even though I’ve been busier and more surrounded by friends who make me happy than I’ve been since I moved to New York, I still sometimes feel alone. In doing this apartment thing all by myself, I’m pretty proud of how I was able to pull it off and find a situation that is going to make me really happy. On the other hand, I feel like everything in between is a battle… the money, the move, the organization of the place… it’s just a nightmare in terms of this epic checklist I’ve yet to destroy. I’m usually good at that sort of thing, but even with the support of such a great group of friends, I feel like I’m fading and my energy is still getting sucked out by bad situations.

How do you know when to burn a bridge? In college, a dear friend of mine accused me of tearing down bridges so aggressively that even if I wanted to repair it, it couldn’t be done. By accused, I mean he called me out on my shit, but regardless, it was an honest, yet hurtful, thing to hear. It made me think a lot about it… how do you decide who holds value in your life?
My mother always stressed not to burn bridges. One of my best friends these days has a strict policy of “if you fuck up, youre out. and you’re out for good” but every day I witness him turning back to people I’d never thought he’d speak to again. Even I have made the effort of rekindling friendships that were dead. There are certain friendships of mine I feel are nearing death, but it’s not because I want them to, its because they’re unhealthy… unsafe. A bridge should be burned when a friendship isn’t healthy anymore. A bridge should be burned if someone doesn’t bring happiness into your life at any time. A bridge should be burned when you can’t trust someone anymore. I’ve hit that point with a few, and I’m slowly deconstructing instead of ripping out nails and sledgehammering through the support beams. I have no interest of taking the energy to knock down our bridge because the person no longer holds value… they’re no longer worth the energy or strength.

I’m also very impatiently waiting for my order of Swiss Miss to arrive with our office supplies. Nothing like a cup of hot chocolate to brighten my day… and we’re not talking about my coworker boo. HAH.

I had a terrifying dream/nightmare last night that involves a pretty steamy evening with an ex. Why this came about into my spooky little brain is another story. I can’t blame chocolate (which has proven to give me really wacky dreams in the past) or even some sort of blast from the past moment (didn’t see him on facebook… also haven’t even thought about him in quite some time…) so the dream totally caught me off guard. We’re talking really caught me off guard. Like I don’t think I’ve been that turned on in my sleep ever.

And that kind of fucked me up, honestly. I don’t really miss this guy – at all. Seriously. In the end, I was so fed up with the bullshit that it is one of the two people in my life I plan on never speaking to ever again. He fucked up pretty hard. – Sure when it was good back in the day it was good, but… this was awesome. Was I potentially projecting some current fling on to the face of an old one? There was also this whole underlying theme of buying uniforms, another little subconscious clue I’m not really able to interpret yet. Ugh. It’s been all up in my head all day… almost tempted me to say something to exboyfriend, but why would I give him the satisfaction? I’ve got things on the burners that are potentially far more satisfying, including my fabulous new apartment, my fabulous new life, and damnit, that fabulous jar of Nutella my little brother brought me last time he was in town. Suck it dude, you’ve been replaced by my fabulous single life.

I did go to bed kind of hungry… also kind of super hungover after my girl Mariami‘s concert. Maybe thats what screwed over dream central. Lately there have been some really weird ones, but hopefully soon enough there will be some better squirrely moment.

No-Fly List

December 1, 2010

So I discovered this fun little article on this group called PABBIS (sounds like a really fun gynecological procedure) which is this group that’s trying to get the following books banned in k-12. Now, from personal experience, I know I read several of these books before I graduated high school (most of my friends probably read more, but I really like TV… fucking deal with it.)

Person whos read the most of these before 12th grade gets a prize. And by that, I mean a special shout out on my more popular blog. (which means 6 people will see it instead of 3)

33 Snowfish – Rapp, Adam
A Seahorse Year – D’Erasmo, Stacey
Alice Alone – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Alice in Rapture, Sort Of – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Alice on Her Way – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Alice on the Outside – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
All Over But the Shoutin’ – Bragg, Rick
All the Pretty Horses – McCarthy, Cormac
Alt Ed – Atkins, Catherine
Always Outnumbered Always Outgunned – Mosley, Walter
Always Running La Vida Loca: Gang Days In L.A. – Rodriguez, Luis T.
Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging – Rennison, Louise
Animal Dreams – Kingsolver, Barbara
Annie On My Mind – Garden, Nancy
Are You in the House Alone? – Peck, Richard
Athletic Shorts – Crutcher, Chris
Baby Be-Bop – Block, Francesca Lia
Bastard Out of Carolina – Alison, Dorothy
Be True to Your School: A Diary of 1964 – Greene, Bob
Beloved – Morrison, Toni
Black Boy – Wright, Richard
Bless Me Ultima – Anaya, Rudolfo A.
Boy’s Life – McCammon, Robert
B-More Careful – Holmes, Shannon
Breaking Boxes – Jenkins, A. M.
Chinese Handcuffs – Crutcher, Chris
Chronicle of a Death Foretold – Marquez, Gabriel Garcia
Dance on My Grave – Chambers, Aidan
Deal With It! A whole new approach.. – Drill, Esther & McDonald, Heather & Odes, Rebecca
Desire Lines – Gantos, Jack
Dreamland – Dessen, Sarah
Druids – Llywelyn, Morgan
Eight Seconds – Ferris, Jean
Ellen Foster – Gibbons, Kaye
Empress of the World – Ryan, Sara
Exodus – Uris, Leon
Fade – Cormier, Robert
Fair Game – Tamar, Erika
Fallen Angels – Myers, Walter Dean
Families – Jannes, Aylette
Fat Kid Rules The World – Going, K. L.
Fools Crow – Welch, James
From The Notebooks Of Melanin Sun – Woodson, Jacqueline
Gates of Fire – Pressfield, Steven
Geography Club – Hartinger, Brent
Girl Goddess #9 – Block, Francesca Lia
Go Ask Alice – Anonymous
Going After Cacciato – O’Brien, Tim
Growing Up Chicana/o – Lopez, Tiffany Ana
Happy Endings Are All Alike – Scoppettone, Sandra
Heroes – Cormier, Robert
Holly’s Secret – Garden, Nancy
How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents – Alvarez, Julia
I am the Cheese – Cormier, Robert
I Been in Sorrow’s Kitchen and licked out all the Pots – Straight, Susan
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings – Angelou, Maya
I Was a Teenage Fairy – Block, Francesca Lia
If it doesn’t kill you – Bechard, Margaret
In Cold Blood – Capote, Truman
It’s Perfectly Normal – Harris, Robie
Kaffir Boy – Mathabane, Mark
Keesha’s House – Frost, Helen
Kindred – Butler, Octavia B.
King & King – Haan, Linda de and Nijland, Stern
Kissing Tennessee – Appelt, Kathi
Less Than Zero – Ellis, Bret Easton
Like Water for Chocolate – Esquivel, Laura
Living by the Word – Walker, Alice
Looking for Alaska – Green, John
Love & Sex: Ten Stories of Truth – Cart, Michael
Love in the Time of Cholera – Garcia Marquez, Gabriel
Lucky – Sebold, Alice
My Father’s Scar – Cart, Michael
My Heartbeat – Garret Freymann-Weyr
My Losing Season – Conroy, Pat
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Kesey, Ken
One Hot Second: Stories About Desire – Young, Cathy [editor]
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Garcia Marquez, Gabriel
Outrageously Alice – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Patiently Alice – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Paula – Allende, Isabel
Peter – Walker, Kate
Push – Sapphire
Ragtime – Doctorow, E.L.
Rainbow Boys – Sanchez, Alex
Rape Fantasies from The Norton Anthology – Atwood, Margaret
Rats Saw God – Thomas, Rob
River God – Smith, Wilbur
Running Loose – Crutcher, Chris
Sari Says, The REAL DIRT on Everything from Sex to School
Shattering Glass – Giles, Gail
Shogun – Clavell, James
Silver Pigs – Lindsey, Davis
Simply Alice – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
Slaughterhouse Five – Vonnegut, Kurt
Slave Day – Thomas, Rob
Smack – Burgess, Melvin
Snow falling on cedars – Guterson, David
Song of Solomon – Morrison, Toni
Sophie’s World – Gaarder, Jostein
Speak – Anderson, Laurie Halse
Stones from the River – Hegi, Ursula
Stotan – Crutcher, Chris
Stuck Rubber Baby – Cruse, Howard
Tenderness – Cormier, Robert
The Antagonists – Gann, Ernest K.
The Awakening – Chopin, Kate
The Bean Trees – Kingsolver, Barbara
The Bluest Eye – Morrison, Toni
The Book Of Phoebe – Tirone, Mary-Ann
The Catcher in the Rye – Salinger, J.D.
The Chocolate War – Cormier, Robert
The Clan of the Cave Bear – Auel, Jean M.
The Color Purple – Walker, Alice
The Confessions of Nat Turner – Styron, William
The Country Ahead of Us, the Country Behind – Guterson, David
The Dear One – Woodson, Jacqueline
The Family Book – Parr, Todd
The First Man of Rome – McCullough, Colleen
The Giver – Lowry, Lois
The Grooming of Alice – Naylor, Phyllis Reynolds
The Handmaid’s Tale – Atwood, Margaret
The Hot Zone – Preston, Richard
The House of Spirits – Allende, Isabel
The House on Mango Street – Cisneros, Sandra
The Joy Luck Club – Tan, Amy
The King Must Die – Renault, Mary
The Lords of Discipline – Conroy, Pat
The Moves Make the Man – Brooks, Bruce
The Name of the Rose – Eco, Umberto
The Natural – Malamud, Bernard
The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Chbosky, Stephen
The Pillars of the Earth – Follet, Ken
The Power of One – Courtenay, Bryce
The Prince of Tides – Conroy, Pat
The Rainbow Kite – Fanta Shyer, Marlene
The Rose and the Beast; Fairy Tales Retold – Block, Francesca, Lia
The sailor who fell from grace with the sea – Mishima, Yukio
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole – Townsend, Sue
The Sissy Duckling – Fierstein, Harvey
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – Brashares, Ann
The Source – Michener, James
The things they carried – O’Brien, Tim
Then Again, Maybe I Won’t – Blume, Judy
Things Fall Apart – Achebe, Chinua
This Boy’s Life – Wolff, Tobias
Thousand Pieces of Gold – McCunn, Ruthanne Lum
A Time for Dancing – Hurwin, Davida Wills
True to the Game – Woods, Teri
Twelve Days in August – Ketchum Murrow, Liza
Uncle Vampire – Grant, Cynthia D.
Violet & Claire – Block, Francesca Lia
Weetzie Bat – Block, Francesca Lia
Whale Talk – Crutcher, Chris
What I Know Now – Larson, Roger
When I was Puerto Rican – Santiago, Esmeralda
Where the Kissing Never Stops – Koertge, Ron
Whistle Me Home – Wersba, Barbara
Who’s in a Family? – Skutch, Robert
Wide Sargasso Sea – Rhys, Jean
Witch Baby – Block, Francesca Lia
Woman Warrior – Kingston, Maxine
Zack’s Story – Greenberg, Keith Elliot

So next time you read Sandra Cisnero’s “House on Mango Street” in sophomore English class, you remember these crazies are trying to stunt your education.

You’re welcome.