“A note under my door that said “fuck you” would have been more appropriate.”

December 16, 2010

I’m no fashionista. Believe it. I’m lucky if I can roll out of bed and put on a shirt and pair of jeans that doesn’t look identical to the previous day’s outfit. Most of my shoes are falling apart at the seams, and I regularly don’t wear matching socks. However, there are a few rules I stick to, and now I’m going to rub them in your face.

5 Things You Should Totally Not Be Wearing:

1. Boat Shoes. How fucking inappropriate are these? Do you have a boat? Have you been on a boat in the last 6 months? Are you wearing a nautical themed scarf and you’re going to a costume party with your friend T-Pain? Are you my Dad? Otherwise, you should not be wearing these.

2. Fedoras. Remember when Justin Timberlake made them cool? Yeah, that was like 10 years ago. Seriously. Also, dudes that wear fedoras are those sports coat trashbags at the lounge where you once accidentally stumbled across bottle service through some promoter you knew from college. Those straw ones are just as bad, even if you’re chilling in the Hamptons, which is basically just a super rich Jersey Shore, as it turns out; you get a house, you have a shit ton of your REALLY REALLY AWESOME FRIENDS come stay with you (generally people you’ve known for your entire life), you get shitfaced all day and lie out in the sun, and then you take an overpriced cab ride to some club. Whoopieeee.
I also saw way too many of these hats when I went to Coachella, and I feel like they actually provide no source of sun protection; if they sell them at Claires, it’s time for a new style.

3. Corduroys. I’m sorry, but it’s kind of true. When was the last time you bought a pair that you wear as much as your other pants? When you were in 5th grade? Yep. Probably. Save your money. They really don’t look good with much of anything besides a sweater, and wearing them in your family’s holiday photo automatically puts them out of the running for any other function.

4. Leggings. This includes Jeggings, you idiots. Leggings are reserved for lounging, working out, short runs to the grocery store (because wearing sweatpants in public are worse) or fighting crime. Those sparkley crazy shiny ones from American Apparel are reserved for drag queens and nights you go out with your drag queens. You are an adult and these are no longer appropriate. Also, if you wear them with uggs for more than 15 minutes, you will be shot on site.

4a. Uggs are strictly for in-home, cold commute, and short distance use. If you are ever caught wearing uggs to a party, I hope you are beaten with wizard sticks. I will be the first to admit I have worn my uggs/leggings combo on a day or two, but only to run to the bodega for easy mac or something that doesn’t require cooking or to my yoga class. You won’t even catch me wearing uggs on my commute because I feel like thats disrespectful to everyone else on the train.

5. Sweater Vests. Even the one you bought for your Frat’s country club themed party. If you really want a sweater vest, I suggest buying a real sweater and tearing the sleeves off cause you will look way more hardcore. A sweater vest legitimately looks like you got confused while you were getting dressed and couldn’t decide if your office was going to be hot or cold that day. The only situation where you’re allowed to wear a sweater vest is if you work for someone so awesome (like legitimately you need to work for Kanye or Diddy or Fonzworth Bentley) and with a bow tie. Sweatervests must be paired with bow ties or you’re wasting your time.

Glad I could help.

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