Last Night

February 26, 2009

It still smells sticky in the cracks in my fingers
and I’m still pulling you out from between my teeth.
I’m killing my dreams by trying to remember what the skin on the sides of your neck feels like and it’s frustrating to realize that the entire moment remains a blur.
I can’t even remember if you’re a good kisser.
But between the pages of our bodice ripping paperback I’m concluding that this is what I needed to remember
that my heart should remain in my own chest
instead of beating so loudly it shatters windows and makes babies cry.
Perhaps I should be more careful.

He’s the giant squid I see in my imaginary submarine as I explore the deep blue oceans. I dream of that moment in the dark when I see him through the thick glass and can sing me ocean lullabies.

and you’re that lobster at the restaurant I ordered yesterday.


In The First Place

November 16, 2008

I want you to watch me sleep
And in the morning tease me for leaving mascara on your sheets
They smell like you, but I’d like to leave part of me behind
Because I’m afraid if I don’t you’ll forget that I was ever there
Or that I ever mattered
In the first place

I dreamt about us last night
And I wasn’t lying next to you under five-hundred thread count
But under a few thousand stars, a limitless expanse
I hate remembering that I woke up and you weren’t there
Or that you ever mattered
In the first place

I abandoned us in my sleep
And forgot what it was like to be held that close
Or even hold someone else, not wanting to let go
I am trying to let go of that feeling of I can’t be me without you
Or that we ever mattered
In the first place


August 26, 2008

I kept thinking of you today. I couldn’t remember why. It hasn’t been long since I last saw you.
Then, as I began to pack my belongings, I remembered you again. How? I knew this time. By scent. My clothes gave off your aroma. The clean ones. You smelled like my laundry. My fresh laundry, just out from the dryer.

“We must use the same detergent.” What a simple explanation.
Something I never realized, as I was trying a new detergent. I inhaled and placed things in my suitcase;
I remember what it’s like in your arms. You tasted slightly like cigarettes and cheap booze, but I couldn’t taste the difference between yours and mine. You smell safe. You feel safe.

But I’m living on the edge and I can’t be safe in your arms any more.
I have places to go and things to achieve and I’m not going to stop my life for a man, a boy, a relationship, a person. God! It’s like asking me to stop my life, at this pivotal, crucial state of being, and… have a child or something! Give up my life for someone else. I am self absorbed and focused on my success, and I will only look back, never go back, for you.

But only you. A time in my life only to reflect on. Never to live there again.

You are lost in the shuffle, King of Hearts. I am back in the present.
Clean laundry packed, I have hidden you away.


I took a pen from someone

It writes pretty well


August 15, 2007

toes curling
searching for feeling
after playing for hours in the snow

fingers locked
one next to the other
electric waves from fingernail to fingernail

neither one could predict the weather