Someone found my blog by googling “Celibacy Inspiration.” Seriously. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Yeah.

Tonight was the 100th episode of Wife Swap, and wow, it was pretty amazing. There was apparently an online vote between several of the seasons “favorite families” (read: craziest. fuckers. EVER.) and boy, did America pick doozies. One family is a mother psychic and father mother and children who are jaded about their star power. The other family is a juvenile father who seems to have 4 family members who mimic his every childish movement.

Oh, and they’re storm chasers and every aspect of their life revolves around science and they build hovercrafts and a spaceship that they want to launch into a tornado. You know. For science.

Anywho, the episode was frightening and brilliant. Per usual. I feel like Wife Swap are the hipsters of television: they’re just so fascinating to look at partially because you can’t figure out what sort of upbringing these people had because they’re THAT weird. What an underdog for a reality show. I think it may be the only show besides Survivor that has the right to win the Emmy over The Amazing Race, cause we all know that won like the Emmy for best Reality Television Show for like the last million years. Seriously.

Dierks Bentley. You hair in this music video/rapsody commercial is like a lego hair piece.

Kind of like this, but a little strawberry blonder, wavier, and less, you know, corrupt.

God that was a horrible joke but you gotta admit that it was kind of cute… right?

Tomorrow is “friday,” and I am so excited I can’t even describe. God maybe I’ll get off early. This is gonna be rull good.

In other news: I’ve been writing a lot. Just not here. Yet. I might transcribe it – it’s all hand written between tasks at work (33% illegible) so we’ll see if it appears.

And now, sorbet.

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Must. Keep. Eyes. Open.

November 11, 2008

Amazing Race – holy crap. I am so glad that those divorced ladies got eliminated… FINALLLY. I almost feel bad for their ex-husbands because they’re getting such a bad reputation on the show. I just think it’s kind of dramatic for Amazing Race, so I’m glad they’re gone. I’m also glad the “Mom and Dad” got past that speed bump and proved you can come back from last place. I think I’m rooting for Dallas and his mom though. They’re good people. At first I thought Dallas was like a super guido that I couldn’t stand to look at, but I feel like he’s running out of hair gel so they’re getting cuter.

Oprah – Is it weird I channel surfed to Oprah because Hugh Jackman was on the show and I wanted to hear him sing show tunes and I wanted to her Oprah say: “Please Welcome, HUGH JACKMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” Is that weird? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think I’m cool.

Rock of Love Charm School – Spotted Dick, VH1? Really? “ARE YOU SERRRRRIOUUUS RIGHT NOW?” I wish they had of sent Brandi M home. I’m gettin sick of her crap. I’m glad they didn’t get rid of Jess. She’s always been one of my favorites.

Exiled – Okay, so they sent Erin to Mongolia. Erin is the daughter of Eazy-E… I think. I don’t remember. The point is she’s a spoiled rotten baby who’s mom finally smartens up and sends her to Mongolia for a week. I have never seen someone so resistant to trying new things. That girl is a mess! She just said something like “That cow is using the bathroom out it’s butt!” It’s like she’d never seen a cow before. Is that what it’s like to grow up spoiled. Have you never been to a zoo or taken on an elementary school field trip to the farm? It just boggles my mind that this cow was such an issue for her. “Are you sure you don’t have any bathroom?” Poor girl. After they kill a sheep: “I can’t believe they killed that in front of me with out my discretion and then ask me to be an accomplice in their murder!” They she goes on to think she’s amazing to have “helped” the family by picking a strawberry. Shedoesn’t seem changed by this experience, she just thinks even more highly of herself. Then her host tells her a saying they have: “Protect your name more than your body.” And she bursts into tears saying that she has a very powerful name and her father died and blarblarblar. I still don’t think she’s learned anything. Well, maybe by the end she learns that not everybody in the world is like her, and that maybe animals aren’t as scary and dirty as she thought.

You know what’s whack? The “Scream Queens” ad in the bottom right corner of the TV in the middle of the shows. It’s a sudden loud scream and it’s not exactly always at the appropriate times.

I hate you too.

October 13, 2008

Had a very interesting weekend in New York. Did some serious reflection and spent a lot of time completely silent while Josh put a soundtrack my inner-monologue with some crazy music. (The Department of Eagles Jojo Cover is still fucking with my brain.) I find it funny that people think there’s something wrong with me when I’m quiet. I realize I’m a very loud person, but sometimes I just need to be quiet and listen to what’s going on around me. I’m so self absorbed I find I overlook things.
I had a really wonderful time just KICKIN it and pretending like I actually lived there all weekend. It was kind of nice. A window into what could be.

Oh, and I had the craziest Japanese food ever. I can’t even… Ugggh. So fucking good.

Kath & Kim – Molly Shannon has always been one of my favs, and from the first few seconds of the show, you can tell that this part was written for her. God. Thong leotard win. Selma Blair plays her role well, but Molly Shannon. Dear God. So far the show isn’t amazing but I might just start watching the show for Molly Shannon-isms. God, I’ve missed her. I’m going to tune in next time, just because Molly is my girl, but if it doesn’t improve, I might spend that 22 minutes watching something else…

Amazing Race – There was a serious drama about a sports bra to start the entire episode. It made me really excited because if they’re showing coverage over a sabotaged sports bra, Mark and I are going to KILL IT on the show. We’re going to be just like the two best friends that both got divorced (yeah, that’s their selling point), Kelly and Kristy: “We’re like comic relief to each other! We don’t get annoyed at each other – we get annoyed at other people… and then talk about it to each other.” So, you gossip? Also, when the sports bra confrontation came up again: “We don’t care if anyone likes us really…” Adorable.
Tonight they’re in Bolivia, and it looks like they’re going to get into the fighting ring with some of those fighting women that were highlighted on Bizarre Foods… or was it Bourdain? How can I mix them up? I DON’T KNOW.
And what’s up with people bitching about the fucking altitude? I get it, it’s high up or whatever, but editing it so everyones talking about how much they hate it slays me. And GOD, those bikes? You mean those scooters with seats? That looks like a bruised tailbone to me. “I AM MASTER OF MY FATE. I AM CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.” You tell em, Aja. I think I’d be mumbling similar things if I was riding a wooden plank on wheels down cobblestones.
However, the nerd bros made a HUGE mistake, and something tells me that’s not gonna work in their favor. When the clue specifically says “walk” you don’t take a cab. Duh. (Mark please take notes so I’m not completely responsible for messing up our future competition together.) Dallas and his mom also cracks me up. Mom seems so midwest, but Dallas is clearly Staten Island. Glorious.
Oh, I am so sick of the separated couple that keeps winning. Ugh.
Oh God, the nerds didn’t even lose because they effed up by taking a cab instead of walking, it was that they needed oxygen from running around so much in a wrestling ring. Le sigh. And then that penalty. Such tough cookies. I can’t wait to watch Starr break her arm next week.

The Sarah Silverman Show – Holy Christ. Her ancestors got raped and pillaged by Mongolians too?! IT’S LIKE SARAH KNOWS ME. This season is way better than the last. “I just want their apology… and for them to change ‘Mongolian Beef’ to ‘Sexual Predator Beef’.”
On a personal note, I’m glad Sarah and Jimmy got back together. They’re awesome.

Gossip Girl – This is just one nasty passive aggressive episode. I mean, the part with Chuck Bass playing with the secret societies at Yale is fun, Nate Archibald being blacklisted, and at the dean’s party background music was Muse’s “Time is Running Out” played by a string quartet. Wow. And God, I almost died when Serena yelled “I HATE THOSE STUPID HEADBANDS” because I was thinking the same fucking thing. But UGH sappy ending like woah. Like vomit in my own mouth sappy. Is this the end of the season or something? The preview for next week makes me feel like this is just the television version of “Cruel Intentions”; everyone is bartering with sex. Cute.

So yeah, I guess that’s all I got for today. Hope everyone’s week started off with a superawesomebang.

Crisis averted?

October 9, 2008

Today I had a bit of a crisis. I think I survived it though. I just had to go home and shut myself off… I think it’s the first time I didn’t go running and crying to everyone I know about what went wrong. Shutting up helped, I think, in a different way from talking to someone about it.

Ungh.

I’m going to New York tomorrow. Getting out of Boston is a bit of a relief… I’m ready to go spend the weekend with my “family”… I’m really excited to see them.

Watched a lot of TV tonight. Let’s review, shall we? Spoliers ahead, so close your eyes if you haven’t checked your DVR lately.

America’s Next Top Model – What the fuck is Tyra wearing during this episode? During the first challenge, she’s wearing a giant leather “belt” which is actually the silliest corset I’ve ever seen. I feel you girl, I don’t have a waist either, but that was a really silly attempt to make it happen. Tyra wears a hood at elimination, deciding to be “dramatic” and calling herself “little black riding hood”. You’re joking, Tyra. Please. Something tells me there’s something wrong wit her weave. And her eye shadow is totally the wrong color. It makes her eyes look orange.
As for winner, I’m on team Marjorie and team Annalise. Go Hunchback!

Project Runway – Oh. My. God. First, Tim was in Portland, which totally slays me. I love that man, and seeing him in my hood was just insane. Come back to me, Tim. Come back. As for elimination, I think based on that challenge they eliminated the right person. However, I think based on the whole season, K-beezy should have been totally booted. Michael Kors called her out though – on the wedding dress – and I have a feeling that bad tude is gonna carry over into the next part of the finale. Go team Leanne!

Top Design – I don’t have much to say about this episode… this show is starting to lose my attention (where is the judge that dresses like a couture clown?!) and Wisit was one of the reasons I was watching. I do have to admit that the exit they choreographed for him was beautiful. When that guy sang, I was always jaw on the floor. I’m really glad they sent him out singing… it’s stunning.

The Sarah Silverman Show – The premier episode for the new season pretty much was a chapter from my life. Except I don’t leave myself voicemails. Holy shit. It was absolutely hilarious. Last season kind of whomped and this season’s subplot of Sarah’s sister and cop boy-slash-friend is annoying. I wasn’t interested at all in “emissions”, and quite frankly, I just wanted to know what other shiz Sarah was going to get into. She’ll always be one of my heroes.

I’m going to try to go to bed early tonight. I’m a bit too emotional for my own good today. Le sigh.

We all know I’m addicted to reality television, like in a bad way. I’ll watch it, not matter how crappy it is. You know Fox Reality Channel? No? I do. I watch it when I’ve already seen the episode of the reality show that’s already on. I have seen more CRAPPY reality TV on Fox Reality than I have in my entire life. There are shows on that channel I have never heard of. The point is, I have seen it all (probably… well, almost) and today, I’m going to talk about the finales of two of the crappiest reality shows on VH1: “I Love Money” and “I Want to Work for Diddy.”

Alright, if you watch the shows, and you don’t want to know who wins, don’t read this. I’m telling you now, this is full of spoilers, and I don’t care if you accidently stumble upon this, don’t read it if you don’t want. Okay, I think I’ve said enough about that. These thoughts are intended for if you’ve seen the finale, otherwise it might not make sense, and then sucks for you…

Thoughts on the “I Love Money” finale:
We all saw this coming. Seriously. If you didn’t know who was going to win, you may be retarded and a trip to the doctor is in order. Hoopz is a winner. There’s nothing more to say about that. I’m surprised that she was so surprised that she won. That’s redonk. Of course she was going to win. Hoopz always wins. Fuck, she made out with Flavor Flav to win “Flavor of Love.” That girl’s a natural winner: she’s hot, could probably bench press me, and is “honest” (according to everyone else on the show.) Natural selection of reality stars – go figure a pretty, tough, honest one wins. As for Megan quitting before the “jury” of her peers could talk shit about her and pick White Boy and Hoopz to go to the finale. Duh. Duh duh duh. Stupid Megan. You don’t even got a cool nickname. You have a shitty dumbass dog and no cool nickname. You are a loser, Megan. You manipulated everyone on the show, and then instead of taking it like you should have, you quit. Quitters are dumb. Megan, you are dumb. And White Boy, you are a good loser. Way to be a good sport.

Thoughts on “I Want to Work for Diddy”:
These tasks are ridiculous when they get down to the final two – Diddy has like 300 assistants, its not like just one of them gets stuck packing all of Diddy’s clothes. That’s redonk. But I’m jumping ahead of myself. Fucking Poprah. Thank GOD that bitch was voted off in a matter of seconds of the first episode. She wasn’t even voted off, she was just FIRED by Diddy in front of everyone for her “attitude.” Thank the LORD. That woman was a miserable creature. She’s completely deluded and psychotic and shouldn’t have made it past episode three. Laverne should have outlasted her. Psh. As for the “best of both worlds executive” Suzanne and “young with big dreams” Mike, I think that picking Suzanne was the best career choice. Poor Mike had to stand there and watch her fly away… BUT HOLY SHIT when the plane stopped and Diddy invites Mike too, I just about shit my pants. He was so excited I could have almost cried for him, and Diddy just looked like Santa Claus; he was so pleased with himself. I guess I didn’t see that one coming. I was prepared to be sad for Mike. But I still wish Laverne had made it. She was a badass. I still don’t know if Suzanne can handle it honestly. She’s kind of… well… 40 and white. Sorry, but it’s true.

Okay, I think I’m going to crash with some froyo and pretend like I care about watching the hip hop honors when in reality I just want to watch Cypress Hill yell in their microphones, Gym Class Heroes make faces, and Tracy Morgan be shitfaced. Win for Brian Fellows.

Its 2:50am, and for the umpteenth time this week, I’m still awake. I just finished watching “The Crime of Padre Amaro,” which was pretty rad, and I’m still not tired. I figured a 2 hour long movie would make me sleepy, considering I only got 6 hours of sleep last night. This is not true. My body often likes to ignore what is logical and stick to the unknown.

The other day I started to question doctors. This is odd, considering my father is one, but I am fairly certain I was misdiagnosed the other day. I had an inexplicable rash on my hand… it was peculiar – not your typical rash. It was on the top and the palm: on the top of my hand they were TINY bumps… I just realized how gross this is and how much you don’t want to read this. Let’s skip to the part where my doctor tells me that there are only 2 things that generally cause you to have a rash on the palm of your hand: hand-foot-mouth disease and syphilis. She informed me it was probably not syphilis because it didn’t show up anywhere else on my body, and that would be impossible (good to know? Where could I have gotten syphilis anyway? Ew.) So that left hand-foot-mouth as the only possible (apparently) diagnosis. HFM usually includes a high fever and rash on the feet and the inside of the mouth. I didn’t have this. So basically, I just had an ugly hand for about 3 days and nobody could really tell me what it was.

I don’t know. I just found it incredibly odd that it was diagnosed like that. It still doesn’t sit right with me that I don’t now what happened. My original hypothesis was that I fell asleep with a house centipede in my bed and it took a liking to my hand. I’d say its 50-50 between HFM and centipede friend.

That might have been overshare. Sorry.

Saw “Choke” last night with my pal Kevin. It was good to finally hang with him, considering we had both been doing the “lets hang out” thing and then it just wasn’t working out. We boozed a little in the theater, and the movie was mediocre, but it was nice to see him. I wouldn’t tell you to go out and see it necessarily. Read the book, and then decide if you want to ruin what you read. If you don’t, don’t go see the movie. If you don’t care go. If you want to kill yourself, go see “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist,” and if you’re a real masochist, go check out “The Women,” which has (according to Variety) only grossed about $800,000. Do you realize how much for a movie that is? “Eagle Eye” has made 35 million in the week that it’s been open. “The Women” has been out for a few weeks now. See the issue? Go drown yourself in your bucket of coke…

In other entertainment news, here are the shows I think you should be watching:
The Rachel Zoe Project – for the love of God, from the tabloids alone we know this woman is a nutjob, but this show just makes my life. The Rachel-isms (“I DIE”) and the constant state of FASHION CHAOS are absolutely hilarious. Watching this woman self destruct over her debt from her several leopard coats is the female equivalent of the film “Shoot Em Up” with Clive Owen that came out about a year ago. Nobody really knew about it, because there was no plot really, people just shot each other a lot. I didn’t see it, but I felt like I had after the preview. Good enough for me.

Project Runway – Bravo owns. Seriously. And if you aren’t watching project runway by now there is something seriously wrong with you. don’t write it off as a “girl thing” – i know SEVERAL men (including my father) who watch. It’s totally brilliant. One of the contestants is from Portland, and she’s actually dope baller dope, but I don’t know who is going to win. I hope its not Kennley, and I’m pretty sure the only reason she’s on the show is because she makes incredibly annoying television, and all of the other designers like each other too much to fight. Go figure. Keep the drama going, bravo.

Man and Wife – okay. this is going to sound really silly, but I’m pretty convinced this is the second coming of the “loveline” realm. Apparently Fat Man Scoop (the MC/DJ – what is he?) and his wife, Shonda, used to make webisodes for their site: mandandwife.tv … they basically talk about sex and relationships… they’ve got this whole “respect yourself and each other,” “use protection” and “Love one another” or some crap they preach every episode (frighteningly like Loverman Gunther’s “love, sex, respect” motto or whatever it was) MTV decided they were awesome (which they are, especially Shonda. Fat Man Scoop kind of just yells a lot. As to be expected: He did that on Missy Elliot tracks a lot…) and basically put their bed on a soundstage in front of an audience. no, they do not have sex, they sit in bed and answer questions. its totally worth it to see some nervous girl walk up to the mike and ask if a guy can tell when a girl is faking an orgasm. Its on Monday – Thursday, and its only 22 minutes long, so you really have no excuse not to catch at least ONE episode. You might be hooked after that. Shonda is kind of a baller and Fat Man Scoops is… fat and loud. Go figure.

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern – the man eats everything, and i like that he’s willing to admit when something sucks. Like I think tripe sucks (he likes tripe. ew.) but when he eats something really gross (like moldy, fermenting tofu) he’s not afraid to tell you. He’s also really good at describing texture and smell. I tried to find out if he owned a restaurant in New York, but he apparently doesn’t, so I don’t even know how to judge his taste.

Amazing Race – watch this because its the best reality show on television (that isnt on bravo) and Mark and I are going to be on next season. You heard it here first. We are counting down the days until the audition.

Gossip Girl – if you can’t handle it, i dont blame you. But whoever the writer is has such an incredible addiction to a brilliant plot structure that I can’t help but eat up every trashy moment of this show. I can’t wait until someone get pregnant, but I know it probably won’t because last monday I actually foresaw what was going to happen for the rest of the season (I wont ruin it for you) but I know I’m right. It’s not on this week, so you’ll have to wait until the monday after next. Boo hiss.

I hope that’s enough trash to keep you going until I remember to update again.

Oh, and another thing:
Don’t call it a blog. It’s not. Smart people blog. People with real writing skills blog. This isn’t a blog, because bloggers don’t write about themselves. We could say this is a fictional blog (I could be writing as a character?) but we all know that’s not true because I’ve already described my recent whackadoo hand disease in detail (I told you just in case you try to convince yourself you have syphilis one day – check your palms!) and I feel like a character wouldn’t do that to you. A real person was. So for now, this is no blog, this is a online exploration of an incredibly ordinary life. It just happens to be like every Death Cab for Cutie song – they’re all about universal themes, so people can relate. I used to think Ben Gibbard sang to me, and then when you really break it down, everybody feels like “the ice is getting thinner” or youre sick of your “twin sized bed” and you want something bigger… anyway, this “exploration” exists almost as a forum. feel free to fight me on my opinions, tell me i’m an idiot or a genius, or laugh at the fact I’m making a mockery of my own private life on the internet.

And no, I will not tell you the URL of my secret blog. Which I guess isn’t a blog at all. It’s just a secret.