Revelation #5877

It had occurred to me that there has never been a point in my life where I’ve truly desired sex. (*gasps from audience*) It is true. Quite possibly sad, but true, and it wouldn’t matter to me anyway if it was sad. What I’ve discovered lately, is that I purely desire intimate connection, and that the physical act of sex has never been what I thought I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, sex isn’t a “beautiful wonderful thing” or whatever, and unique to all of it’s… users, and I completely understand that. I just am finally aware of what (at this juncture) is the most important part of that act, and by no means is it physical.

Sex is an incredibly private thing to me. I’m not really one to kiss and tell much anymore (trust me, you think you know, but you have NO idea) and I am finding those private moments are incredibly more valuable that way. I think I enjoy looking back on an intimate moment knowing that only I and (hopefully) just the other person know about it.

Even with the conclusion of my last (and very long) relationship, I don’t feel the need for sex. I don’t miss it. I don’t feel like it’s incredibly necessary to my basic survival or enjoyment or life. I do, however, miss the intimate connection. It’s not about the act itself, its about the closeness, trust, and connection.

I saw a play tonight that kind of made me think of these things.

I guess it’s just knowing that you’re loved through physical closeness. It’s intuitive intimacy. I long for those moments where you’re just held by someone. Being able to curl up in someone’s arm and nuzzle into their neck. Intertwine fingers and legs and cold feet. It’s feeling someone’s breath on your skin and not minding it in the slightest. I guess the physical connection I’m looking for in my next relationship is more about FEELING closeness, just as much mentally as physically. In reflection, I think that’s where my balance has been off in the past, and I know that in the future I need to slow myself down and work at a pace where I’m not catering to someone else. From now on, I need intimacy to be returned, not just taken from me as I hold it out willingly, hoping for something in return.