Seen it in my head, burning my heart

I’ve been stressed out lately. It’s not for any reason in particular, just that fate doesn’t seem to have me in mind this week. I had a pretty serious blow to my ego the other day and I’ve got a lot on my plate socially (when all I want to do is crawl under my comforter and stay there forever), For someone who seriously lacks in the self-confidence department, having this one blow up in my face was quite a devastating event… there are few things I am confident in, and this generally was not one of them, but in this case, I felt as if I had done well, and I was looking forward to a positive result.

Instead I got silence. And that, to me, reeks of failure.

There that whole “no news is good news” scenario, but not hearing back after an important interview can’t be good news. I feel as if I’ve lost a bit of my balance and direction, and no amount of social distraction is apparently going to compensate for that. Wallowing alone in my room doesn’t seem to help either (I’ve been playing Plants v. Zombies in a serious attempt to forget that I live in the real world) and I seem to have fallen out of the loop with a lot of people – friends whom I consider to be closest with have gotten bogged down in their own worlds with their own social engagements and their own professional endeavors. I am still feeling like I’m the only one that has no idea what I’m doing.

Everyone is doing their best to cheer me up. Even the people that don’t understand how my brain works the way it does. A slap to the face is a slap to the face. If you want to help, just make me laugh. Or hide me in a really dark room with a comforter; I’ve fallen asleep (sober!) on a hardwood floor before and I’ll do it again. I don’t want to emotionally eat. I’m not in the mood to be coddled. I would just liked to be distracted or secluded. I’m itchyscratchy.

—

Last night I figured out that I changed but you stayed the same. It’s refreshing to know that maybe it wasn’t me who couldn’t grow up.