December 16, 2008

+ plot



Its 2:50am, and for the umpteenth time this week, I’m still awake. I just finished watching “The Crime of Padre Amaro,” which was pretty rad, and I’m still not tired. I figured a 2 hour long movie would make me sleepy, considering I only got 6 hours of sleep last night. This is not true. My body often likes to ignore what is logical and stick to the unknown.

The other day I started to question doctors. This is odd, considering my father is one, but I am fairly certain I was misdiagnosed the other day. I had an inexplicable rash on my hand… it was peculiar – not your typical rash. It was on the top and the palm: on the top of my hand they were TINY bumps… I just realized how gross this is and how much you don’t want to read this. Let’s skip to the part where my doctor tells me that there are only 2 things that generally cause you to have a rash on the palm of your hand: hand-foot-mouth disease and syphilis. She informed me it was probably not syphilis because it didn’t show up anywhere else on my body, and that would be impossible (good to know? Where could I have gotten syphilis anyway? Ew.) So that left hand-foot-mouth as the only possible (apparently) diagnosis. HFM usually includes a high fever and rash on the feet and the inside of the mouth. I didn’t have this. So basically, I just had an ugly hand for about 3 days and nobody could really tell me what it was.

I don’t know. I just found it incredibly odd that it was diagnosed like that. It still doesn’t sit right with me that I don’t now what happened. My original hypothesis was that I fell asleep with a house centipede in my bed and it took a liking to my hand. I’d say its 50-50 between HFM and centipede friend.

That might have been overshare. Sorry.

Saw “Choke” last night with my pal Kevin. It was good to finally hang with him, considering we had both been doing the “lets hang out” thing and then it just wasn’t working out. We boozed a little in the theater, and the movie was mediocre, but it was nice to see him. I wouldn’t tell you to go out and see it necessarily. Read the book, and then decide if you want to ruin what you read. If you don’t, don’t go see the movie. If you don’t care go. If you want to kill yourself, go see “Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist,” and if you’re a real masochist, go check out “The Women,” which has (according to Variety) only grossed about $800,000. Do you realize how much for a movie that is? “Eagle Eye” has made 35 million in the week that it’s been open. “The Women” has been out for a few weeks now. See the issue? Go drown yourself in your bucket of coke…

In other entertainment news, here are the shows I think you should be watching:
The Rachel Zoe Project – for the love of God, from the tabloids alone we know this woman is a nutjob, but this show just makes my life. The Rachel-isms (“I DIE”) and the constant state of FASHION CHAOS are absolutely hilarious. Watching this woman self destruct over her debt from her several leopard coats is the female equivalent of the film “Shoot Em Up” with Clive Owen that came out about a year ago. Nobody really knew about it, because there was no plot really, people just shot each other a lot. I didn’t see it, but I felt like I had after the preview. Good enough for me.

Project Runway – Bravo owns. Seriously. And if you aren’t watching project runway by now there is something seriously wrong with you. don’t write it off as a “girl thing” – i know SEVERAL men (including my father) who watch. It’s totally brilliant. One of the contestants is from Portland, and she’s actually dope baller dope, but I don’t know who is going to win. I hope its not Kennley, and I’m pretty sure the only reason she’s on the show is because she makes incredibly annoying television, and all of the other designers like each other too much to fight. Go figure. Keep the drama going, bravo.

Man and Wife – okay. this is going to sound really silly, but I’m pretty convinced this is the second coming of the “loveline” realm. Apparently Fat Man Scoop (the MC/DJ – what is he?) and his wife, Shonda, used to make webisodes for their site: … they basically talk about sex and relationships… they’ve got this whole “respect yourself and each other,” “use protection” and “Love one another” or some crap they preach every episode (frighteningly like Loverman Gunther’s “love, sex, respect” motto or whatever it was) MTV decided they were awesome (which they are, especially Shonda. Fat Man Scoop kind of just yells a lot. As to be expected: He did that on Missy Elliot tracks a lot…) and basically put their bed on a soundstage in front of an audience. no, they do not have sex, they sit in bed and answer questions. its totally worth it to see some nervous girl walk up to the mike and ask if a guy can tell when a girl is faking an orgasm. Its on Monday – Thursday, and its only 22 minutes long, so you really have no excuse not to catch at least ONE episode. You might be hooked after that. Shonda is kind of a baller and Fat Man Scoops is… fat and loud. Go figure.

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern – the man eats everything, and i like that he’s willing to admit when something sucks. Like I think tripe sucks (he likes tripe. ew.) but when he eats something really gross (like moldy, fermenting tofu) he’s not afraid to tell you. He’s also really good at describing texture and smell. I tried to find out if he owned a restaurant in New York, but he apparently doesn’t, so I don’t even know how to judge his taste.

Amazing Race – watch this because its the best reality show on television (that isnt on bravo) and Mark and I are going to be on next season. You heard it here first. We are counting down the days until the audition.

Gossip Girl – if you can’t handle it, i dont blame you. But whoever the writer is has such an incredible addiction to a brilliant plot structure that I can’t help but eat up every trashy moment of this show. I can’t wait until someone get pregnant, but I know it probably won’t because last monday I actually foresaw what was going to happen for the rest of the season (I wont ruin it for you) but I know I’m right. It’s not on this week, so you’ll have to wait until the monday after next. Boo hiss.

I hope that’s enough trash to keep you going until I remember to update again.

Oh, and another thing:
Don’t call it a blog. It’s not. Smart people blog. People with real writing skills blog. This isn’t a blog, because bloggers don’t write about themselves. We could say this is a fictional blog (I could be writing as a character?) but we all know that’s not true because I’ve already described my recent whackadoo hand disease in detail (I told you just in case you try to convince yourself you have syphilis one day – check your palms!) and I feel like a character wouldn’t do that to you. A real person was. So for now, this is no blog, this is a online exploration of an incredibly ordinary life. It just happens to be like every Death Cab for Cutie song – they’re all about universal themes, so people can relate. I used to think Ben Gibbard sang to me, and then when you really break it down, everybody feels like “the ice is getting thinner” or youre sick of your “twin sized bed” and you want something bigger… anyway, this “exploration” exists almost as a forum. feel free to fight me on my opinions, tell me i’m an idiot or a genius, or laugh at the fact I’m making a mockery of my own private life on the internet.

And no, I will not tell you the URL of my secret blog. Which I guess isn’t a blog at all. It’s just a secret.

Not a “must see”

October 2, 2008

Kevin and I saw this up when we went to see Choke last night.

omg ew not again

1. this image creeps me out xcore.
2. omg they’re making ANOTHER one? what else is there to do?
3. just reitertaing #2. EW.

Yesterday I went out and saw “The House Bunny,” and yes, I can hear you screaming “BEFORE HAMLET 2? YOU DUMBASS!” (And yes, I put in a request to see “Hamlet 2,” and it was promptly ignored by my homompanions.) But none the less, I got over it, and “The House Bunny” was a decent choice.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall weeeeee? First off, Anna Faris is a genius. I don’t know how she does it, but she seems to be spot on with over-the-top comedy. She’s a “FUNNY GIRL,” which is hard to come across these days, considering since Belushi declared “women aren’t funny” and the ladies kind of gave up. Faris stands tall (and horrendously skinny) in the crowd of “college girls,” who are too nerdy for their own good.

This isn’t a story of change or heartfelt victory or any of that bullshit. I mean, it is (obviously) but it’s also just fluff. It’s cotton candy, just like those little bunny tails. It’s so light and silly that it doesn’t matter how much you eat: it’s still going to be funny.

Props to Faris for keeping it real, that girl from Superbad for sometimes having a double chin and her character being named “Natalie,” that girl from the Cheetah Girls doing that really bad “bri-tish” accent, and Destiny, from Rock of Love, having one line in the prostitution jail scene (don’t ask.) Word.

I would say if you’ve got the money, and you just need a good laugh, go. Of course Hef and the Girls are in it, and of course they are terrible actors, but it’s still a fun time for all. My mom probably would have enough laughed, but I’m probably going to drag her to the new Woody Allen flick instead (meh.)

My Lonesome Cowboy

June 9, 2008

The weekend was splendiferous. I feel terrible knowing that my readership is going down due to lack of posting, but I am going to try WAY harder to update. I mean, I just sent my mom an email that was longer than most of the posts I write, so I really have no excuse.
It’s not like I don’t have the time. Honestly, it is too hot to write. I feel as if I could write on the west coast if it was that hot, I mean, 90 degrees of DRY heat is way different than 90 degrees of HUMIDITY. It makes me want to die. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going to sell my soul in exchange for air conditioning. My roommate already has done that.

I honestly can’t justify an investment like an air conditioner for an apartment I’m going to live in for 2.5 more months. If I buy one, it’s not like I can put it in storage until I move in February – seriously, it would be a storage unit with an air conditioner, maybe some of my summer clothes, and quite possibly my new best friend, Mr. Box Fan.

To distract myself from the heat, I’ve been trying to keep busy in air conditioned places. And if I’m at the apartment, I sit in front of my fan in a swimsuit (seriously.) On Saturday, I spent most of the day in front of the fan, using my dove bronzing lotion and painting my fingernails while catching up on all the MTV I’ve missed during the week (AMERICAS BEST DANCE CREW AUDITIONS, YES PLEASE!) then went out for dinner with Stef and a coworker. We got Tapas (SO GOOD) and saw Sex and the City (SO LONG). It was fun, but I wouldn’t force any non-fan to sit through over 2 hours of outfit montages and carrie-isms. I certainly enjoyed it, but I have an annual SATC marathon where I watch every episode in order. You may call me a loser, but I see it as dedication.

Yesterday was fabulous, in the most fabulous sense of the word. Brunch was fabulous. The Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum was fabulous. Rob was fabulous (hah.) and dinner with Matt and Stef and Rob was delicious – seriously go to Momofuku. the pork will change your life. fo reals.

I am just so unmotivated to do anything now. Somebody give me a new blog to read… hopefully one that updates every 45 seconds plz. k thanks.

In no particular order…

Weezer’s “Pork and Beans”

Not only is Weezer going back to the sound that made them kickass in the first place, but this video is brilliant, utilizing v-video that is still in everyone’s minds. The only thing missing is a Rick Roll.

The Grouch’s “Artsy”

In a surprisingly similar vain, The Grouch’s “Artsy” pulls from contemporary music video and commercials to make a pretty interesting video. I feel like Talib Kweli or Swiss Beatz or Lupe Fiasco already did something making fun of the HP commercials (how those three are in a group, I don’t know) but somebody did. I still like this video.

We Are Scientists’ “After Hours”

Not only do I love We Are Scientists more after this video, but I’ve always loved Akiva Schaffer (YES, of AKIVA, JORMA AND ANDY OF LONELY ISLAND!!!) This video is simple, the budget probably went to hiring the actress (who is on 30 Rock or something? What’s with 30 Rock kids getting cast in music videos lately?) and paying the dog’s SAG fees or something.

Flight of the Conchords’ “Ladies of the World”

If I have to explain why this is great, you either have absolutely no idea who I am or are as boring as a brick. Fo seriously.

Foo Fighters’ “Pretender”

Dave Grohl gives me a boner and the simplicity of the idea and killer effects and imagery is like a sweet sweet orgasm for the eyes. Seriously, somebody was like “Here: run around with this steady cam for like four minutes. By the way, wear a poncho.” (better res is available on youtubes, just not embedded)

Girls Aloud’s “Don’t Speak French”

Guilty pleasure. I’m sorry. Whoever picked these girls out of an audition line was a genius. The song sucks, the idea sucks, but dear God, where did these creatures come from? Way to put out there the only thing these girls have got goin for them… Bravo hair/makeup/costume. (P.S. I’m sorry I made you watch that.)

Herman Dunes’ “1-2-3-Apple-Tree”

There’s just something about well done contemporary puppetry that really makes my day. And I dig the song. It just makes me feel good. I think.

Tokyo Police Clubs’ “Tesselate”

My boy Miguel came up with the concept and co-directed it (fo seriously) and I love it. I think it’s an adorable concept, and kind of takes me back to that Disney World thing, Body Worlds or whatever they’ve got, where you go through that journey of the body to help this guy out and there’s all these other guys living inside this guy trying to help him get through the day. (I’m pretty sure it has to do with reproduction too, but I probably blocked that from my 9 year-old memory.) This, however, has nothing to do with reproduction, and is probably cooler.

I’m sure I have tons of more videos to say I love, but these were the ones I found easily. I hope you like them too, and maybe see something you haven’t seen yet. There’s a lot of crap out there, but luckily there’s some select groups of artists floating around… 😉

Woke up to rain. Odd. It’s been in the 80s and 90s the past few days. Tried to watch “Grindhouse” this morning. Got through about 15 minutes, in which Rose McGowan pole danced (sort of?) somebody’s face melted a la the Nazis in Indiana Jones, Fergie pretended she knew something about cars, and somebody got their balls cut off. And, oh my God, all of the women had huge tits and tiny waists. Imagine that. What a perfect world Robert Rodriguez lives in.

I figured I couldn’t handle three hours of it. Considering part two was directed by Quentin Tarentino, I was probably going to vomit in my mouth some more, and figured my morning was better suited for other things.

Made breakfast. Wandered around the house. Mulled over last night’s gossip girl and tomorrow’s therapy session #2. Baked cookies. Worked on a friend’s graduation present (You’ll get it in July in your new Dailie, Boo.) And had a moment with… someone I really didn’t want to see. I had kind of a clairvoyent moment, where I considered that I was going to a very popular hangout place downtown, and that I might just see someone I REALLY didn’t want to see. I considered my options if I ran into a person like this, and decided that the project could wait for another day if I had to enact an escape route. Upon arrival, I was the only one there. I worked for about three hours, and about halfway through hour 2, in walked a nemesis, one from high school I really never wanted to see again, and at one point considered beating the shit out of. (The only reason I didn’t is because she outweighed me by about 20lbs with her beer gut. I figured I could hate from afar and avoid confrontation.) However, she walked in, looking slimmer and more composed, and I still wanted to beat the crap out of her. Luckily, I was almost done with my project, so I finished, paid, and left. But not without workin it as I walked out the door. I’m sure as soon as I left she had a fit with her friend that I was there and “What the hell” was I doing back in town. It’s been three years, but I still want to punch her in her fat little face.

That’s a lot of rage in one girl. Trust me, it’s not something you want to unleash.

So I rolled home about 3pm. My brother joined soon after and we were interrupted by a phone call from my Dad. He told my brother to get a box out of his closet and bring it to me. Inside were my brand new Wii controllers and their chargers. We began charging for the preparations for the night.

After a lovely dinner and American Idol viewing session with lil Bro, all in the world was right, the Wii console arrived from heaven, and we promptly began to damage our joints by bowling (arms), boxing (arms. ow.), golf (back), tennis (arms), baseball (elbows). It was a hoot, and I got some sweet pics of my Dad about to punch the TV with his bowling arms to prove it. He got really into the boxing too. It was kind of pathetic, but it shows where I got my competitive streak from. We had a really great time and ended the night with a rousing game of Mario Kart (Father says “Marry-oh”, Bro and I say “Mar-ree-oh” – guess who grew up on the East Coast and who didn’t) and decided it was time to throw in the towel for the night. Wii sports is EXHAUSTING.

Going to see Alex tomorrow. Finally. I feel like it’s been… oh it has been almost half a year since I’ve seen him. And since we’re not meeting up in Topeka any time in the next few months, I figured I needed to drop in for a visit. He always seems to remind me that I’m a normal human being, and for some reason, I subconsciously decided to be myself around him (around others, I become incredibly chatty and friendly.) I was told that I needed to spend more time with the people that are my true friends, and stop worrying about being friends with “everyone.” Alex is one of those true friends, and I’m glad that I’m able to see him before I jet off to the big city again. He gets me; I like that.

In other news, I am glad I have rediscovered popsicles and Ding Dongs, a rarity in the East (I CANT FIND THEM ANYWHERE.) I’m tempted to bring back a few boxes, and then I remember I’m 10lbs heavier than I’d like to be. I’m sticking to coke zero (YESSS) and sugar free popsicles for the time being as treats. Ding Dongs will just have to be a special hometown memory.

P.S. 58% to 42%. I always like it when my team wins.


May 9, 2008

Finished “Paris, Je t’aime” (finally). I thought it was a really beautiful film. For those of you who have seen it, the last story really spoke to me – the one with the woman who goes to Paris by herself and the entire voice over is like an essay she wrote for her french class. The weak pronunciation, the jilted speech patterns, and the tourist short pants, fanny pack, and white tennis shoes. The whole film was a really glorious piece of work, and I’m very curious to see if “New York, I Love You” ruins the concept or paints the portrait of New York by New Yorkers that Parisians painted of Paris. I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it.

TV: Finished disk 1 of “Weeds” Season 2. It feels like FOREVER since I’ve seen Season 1, but the ideas are still as funny an interesting as it once was. I’m having a little trouble with the DEA theme, and I think they should have considered the long-term effects of it before introducing it to the storyline. It’s going to be difficult to write out if they decide to. (For those of you keeping up, don’t tell me how if they do it. I’ll find out eventually…)

Finished “Fuck Up” by Arthur Nersesian. Really great, but not for everyone. It’s the story of this guy where things just keep getting shittier and shittier. Basically it’s a “what can go wrong will go wrong” and even the things you don’t think will go wrong, will get worse. It’s such a nitty-gritty 90s New York. Reading another one of this books “The Swing Voter of Staten Island”. Oh go figure, another book about New York.

Swept. Dusted. Swiffered. Started dishes. Paid rent. Grocery shopped. You know. Keeping busy.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore and I can only focus on tomorrow. I suppose I just count the hours until I go to sleep again, and start the timer over when I wake up again. It’s a pretty sad existence, but if that’s what it takes to get through the day right now, then that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m watching Magnolia. It’s the part with the frogs. I have no idea what’s going on in this movie anymore.

It reminded me of this random association I have with Julianne Moore. I don’t know why but I think of Laura Linney every time I see her, and every time I see Laura Linney, I see Catherine O’Hara.

I thought I would do some photo representations of celebrities I mentally associate with one another. Ready?

Julianna Moore, Laura Linney and Catherine O’Hara

Ben Stein, Eugene Levy, and Groucho Marx

Sean Astin and Seth Rogan

That’s all for today. If I think of more, I’ll post.

God, what is up with the raining frogs? What is up with this movie? Maybe I should have been paying closer attention from the beginning.

Hallie and I went to “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” last night (which was a good and bad idea… sigh) and it was really fun. Could have done without a few extra peen shots, and it was a little bit on the long side, but the writing was HILARIOUS. I absolutely loved the cut away/memory shots, and the rock-star English boyfriend was absolutely hilarious in every way, shape, and form.

I would highly recommend seeing this film. It was funny, heartwarming, and a great watch with friends. The theater was packed – even on a Sunday night at 9pm.